1. Medically induced inebriation brings out such interesting parts of us!
Was talking to a girl on the phone who at the time was fucked up on painkillers and started relating to me a story about how when she was 7 she pushed a girl into a pool and watched her drown. Her grandma came home, found out about it, and told her to tell the police it was an accident.That should have been a warning sign right there.
2. Uh, how many people can we threaten at once?
Copied from an email I received from a stalker seven years ago: “When you and her have your baby, rest assured, I’ll be the one that raises it.”
3. Where do 11 year-old kids even learn about blowjobs? Say no to jailbait, guys.
When I was about 17-years-old, I worked at a cafeteria and some girls (11 and 13) where chasing me for weeks. They even waited in front of my door when I had to go to work to chase me all the way up there.One day I was working and the cafeteria was full with people when the 11-year-old girl asked, “When can I give you a blowjob?” Everyone instantly looked at me.Uncomfortable isnt even the right word to describe my feelings at that moment.
4. How to lose a guy in 2 seconds
“I kept some of your hair.” At 20 year high school reunion.
5. Pro-tip: Discuss kinks IN DEPTH ahead of time. Especially this sort of kink. Not everyone is going to associate FUNK with POOP.
This happened to a friend of mine I was living with. I won’t go into it, but the situation we were in demanded we shared a bunk bed. We had a rule that we could bring girls home so long as we kept the noise down. One night, whilst sleeping, my friend brings this girl home with him. I woke up to them coming in as they went up to his bunk to start messing aroundI hear the typical stuff at first. Lip smacks, heavy breathing, some moaning. Then it happened. I hear the girl whisper to my friend the words “are you down with the funk?”
In retrospect, my friend says he said yes because the chick was hot and
he didn’t want to ruin the night. So he says “yeah baby, I’m down with the funk for sure.” Almost immediately the girl takes off her panties, stands up on the bunk, turns around, squats and shits.
Right on his chest.
Luckily for him it wasn’t the messy sort, but as you can imagine, the guy lost his shit(no pun intended). He tossed her off the bunk and started screaming for girl to get the fuck out of his house.Meanwhile, I’m on the bottom bunk laughing my ass off. So, not really the creepiest thing a woman’s ever said, but now you know what the funk is.
6. Possession is 9/10 of the law. However, your boyfriend is not a possession.
“You have no right to your own life and if you try to leave me I’ll kill you so nobody else can have you.”
7. Take a moment to note he still got laid.
“You don’t have to wear a condom, I’ll just miscarry.”
I wore a condom.
8. There's your cue to exit.
Her: “Just so you know, I wrote your name on my leg with a boxcutter so I’ll always have you near me.”
9. Someone needs some lessons in dirty talk that's not ...dirty
“I want your meat tampon.”
Had to explain to her how that was not a turn on.
10. I think the envelope takes the cake with this one.
I was over at her dorm room and, after we got done with our business, I spotted a bottle of my Cologne on her desk. I asked her about it, and she said she sprayed it around to make her room “smell like me.”Ok.
Next week. She gets into my car. Makes a big SNNNNIIIIFFFFFF sound, and says, “Oh, mmm, smells like YOU in here.” She started masturbating. No shit. Enroute to Kroger.
Few weeks later, at her dorm room, I decide to get a little nosy. I find the following: 1-Aforementioned bottle of cologne. 2-Two pairs of my dirty undies (not left by me.) 3-pair of my dirty socks (again, not left by me. And this freaked me out more than anything for some reason.) 4-Envelope with, what I can only assume to be (drumroll…..) my pubes in it.
I break up with her over ICQ (the good ol’ days!) She informs me that she left a bag at my apartment. It’s under my bed. In said bag is a bunch of completely random shit with K-mart tags still on it. It was obviously a plant, meant to force us to have an awkward post-breakup makeup reunion. Nay, says I.Got my army buddy to drive me over to her dorm in his ford festiva.
I saw her on the curb, waiting…crying. I launched that bag out the window and we took off as fast as that festiva would go. Never did see if the bag hit her but, given it’s trajectory, it’s highly likely.
For those who will want to know: The cologne I was wearing was Old Spice.
11. "Are you sure you want to block this person?" Yes.
I remember one time this one girl who was oddly talkative in my Options and Fixed Income class kept talking and asking me about my personal life. Then when she added me as a facebook friend, there was a message with it that said “Found you =)” Pretty uncomfortable.
A girl I hadn’t even dated CARVED MY INITIALS INTO HER ANKLE.
She received no penis.
13. AKA "I'm going to do this when you go to sleep."
I was on a study abroad trip to the middle of nowhere, Ireland, to study photography. Sitting down to lunch one day, a girl I was traveling with said, “I wish I could cut off all your hair and knit it into a sweater for me to wear. It would keep me warm.” She said it while smiling in a friendly way, but there was intensity in her eyes. It made me uncomfortable.
14. Here's a quick way to end a relationship
I was dating a girl called Alison. My Grandma is also called Alison. I had mentioned that I found it a little weird that they had the same name, so once as we were having sex she asked “Does this make you think of your Grandma?”
It didn’t. Until then.
15. Also, schedule an appointment to get checked out for STI'S
“Put on a condom, you don’t know where I’ve been.”
Kudos to her for warning him though, honestly.
16. Well... that would be a mood killer more than anything.
Had a girl grab my face in the middle of sex tell me it was okay if I came in her, then grabbed my face and told me, “I know how to kill babies!”
17. This is where you curl up and wish for the sweet release of death...
“Did you enjoy that dinner? I put my blood in it. Now part of me is inside of you.”
Yes this actually happened. I thought she meant she put a lot of work into it, like “blood, sweat, and tears” and asked her…and she showed me the cut she made to bleed herself into the dinner.
18. It may be worth the fee to change your phone number, buddy.
I had a girl I once kissed at a party proceed to send me pictures of her crying, half naked and makeup smeared all over her face joker style.
She won’t stop calling me or sending random pictures of herself with distressed or angry face. This has been going on for three months now.
19. ...Um, excuse me, what?
“I think about you when my dad fucks me.” – Actual quote. I really had no idea what to say or do about that.
20. That's one hell of an ice breaker.
“Your lips looked dry while you were sleeping, so I licked them for you.”