Doctors Share Some Of Their Funniest Or Stupid On The Job Stories
If you've ever thought the life of a doctor is all glitz and glam, read these stories to see what it's really like.
No one really likes going to see their doctor, right? It's costly, the wait is always ridiculously long, and there's nothing to do except stare at centuries-old magazines and shield yourself from the wrath of other sick people.
However, you don't know what anyone else is there for and what might be your boring waiting room sniffer might be the best (or most hilarious) part of a doctors day.
Check out these stories that tell tales of some of the most confused (ie: dumb) patients, and doctors dry sense of humor! You won't regret it, and it will certainly make your wait go that little bit faster!
1. Liar Liar
Maybe this doesn't count but I'll throw it out there. Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flamethrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "Nooooo". I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight-faced and professionally as possible I said, "Sir...liar, liar, pants on fire". The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.
2. The best WHAT?
Told this story before, but surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very poshmiddle agedlady. Very cut class accent. There was ananaestheticthat we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out ofanaesthesiaand heard some funny things.
3. Smooth Moves
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.“You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”“Two.”DR LEON PENDRACKY, OPTOMETRIST
4. Lord Molar
When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said "Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!" My dad said he couldn't stop laughing because I wouldn't leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.- CrossFox42
5. You've Got A Friend In Me
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works.But my doctor knew how to calm me down.“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”CHELSEA BENDER, PATIENT, PENNSYLVANIA
6. Confused Toiletries
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.”A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”DR TRAVIS STORK, EMERGENCY PHYSICIAN AND HOST OF THE DOCTORS
7. Abandoned
Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of power cuts. Lights dipped out, generators kicked in.As he's finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights go out again. He gets up and walks out to check on things.Fifteen minutes later I'm still sat on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walks past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes."....do you...do you have an appointment?"Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.- Hitz365
8. Hooray!
Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. He had one couple who couldn't get pregnant. Turns out they thought sleeping together literally meant sleeping in the same bed. Another couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say "THANK YOU!!!!!" and didn't need any more sessions.- blake41185
9. A Bit Too Personal...
I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, "Oh, my, no, that's far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn't be concerned with such things."I didn't bother pointing out that I'm not a lady. I figured if she didn't notice the beard, then she wasn't going to understand an explanation either.- auraseer
10. If It Works
My patient announced she had good news … and bad.“The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.“What’s the bad news?” I asked. “It tasted awful.”Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.DR MURRAY GROSSAN, ENT-OTOLARYNGOLOGIST
11. Adorable Monster
I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say "I'm fuckin liiiiiit I'm gonna do so many drugs when I get older" to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I'm pretty sure I created a monster.- leroy020
12. Real Life Saver
I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out because "something had tore his throat open". He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn't want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I'm looking, and looking....there is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok...what do you feel or see? "I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE". WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified....I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.- Hathathn
13. Aged Astronaut
An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the 'treats' prepared the night before.The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.TL;DR- elderly lady was convinced she was dying but later found out she was just stoned.- undertheraduh
14. Allergic To Water
RN here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can't really remember what for but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, heart disease, you name it. Anyhow I'm at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him. A few minutes in he starts complaining that he's thirsty. He needs something to drink RIGHT NOW. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and as her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams "NOOOO! NO WATER! HES ALLERGIC TO WATER!"Well this is gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but sprite and sweet tea for years because of his "water allergy".The next question the wife had was "where are we all supposed to sleep?" The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at he hospital with him.You can't make this shit up.- jsellars8
15. Worst Nightmare
Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said "That's nice", instead of "That's ok".- mocopoco
16. Sexual Education Is Important!
I hope I'm not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn't get pregnant. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.- tugg-speedman
17. Chocolate Milk?
Of Course Not!A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, "Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”- GJenkss
18. Early Menopause
Not a Doctor, but EMT.Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last period was "like ten months ago" so she'd gone through menopause.She was 25.- Kaylinwriter14
19. Sparkly Downstairs
I heard this story on a local radio morning show many many years ago:A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.The doc takes a quick look and says "My, aren't we fancy today!"She and not used her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead accidentally used her daughter's glitter hairspray.- Eroe777
20. Please Dispose Of Safely
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..- Laxrules56
Mikayla
