Am I wrong for skipping family visit this year? Exploring the dynamics of long-distance relationships
AITA for refusing to fly out to visit family this year despite frequent past visits, highlighting the lack of reciprocity in familial travel efforts and financial considerations.
Are you the jerk for deciding not to fly out to visit family this year? In a heartfelt Reddit post, a 30-year-old from Oregon opens up about the imbalance in effort when it comes to visits.
Over the past 5 years, she has made multiple trips to Arizona and Wisconsin to see her parents and siblings, yet the reverse is seldom true. This year, due to financial strains, new job constraints, and other expenses, she expressed her inability to afford the trip.
The family's reaction was mixed; some understood, while others expected her to make the journey at least once a year. As tensions rose, the suggestion for her family to visit her instead shed light on the lack of reciprocity in travel efforts.
Money issues were brought up, with some family members citing recent medical bills or job losses. The original poster feels like she's shouldered most of the travel burden and questions if she's justified in feeling neglected by her family.
The Reddit thread is divided, with users sharing similar experiences and offering both empathy and advice. From setting boundaries to suggesting video calls instead of visits, the commentary reflects a mix of understanding and differing perspectives on familial obligations and expectations.
Original Post
I (30F) live in Oregon. My parents (60s) live in Arizona and my siblings (33F & 36F) live in Wisconsin.
In the past 5 years, I’ve flown out multiple times every year to see them: Christmas, summer visits, dog-sitting, and even helped one sister move. In that time, my dad has visited me twice (both to help with moving), my mom once (and not directly to me), and neither sibling has ever come see me.
This year I lost a job, started a new one with no PTO yet, had to buy a car, and student loans restarted, so I told them I can’t afford a trip. They got upset and said I should make time “at least once a year.” My boyfriend pointed out they could come here, which made me realize they’ve traveled plenty (my mom has visited my siblings 3x this year, dad twice, siblings traveled for friends/partners), just never to me.
When I suggested they visit, my mom said money is tight due to medical bills from a recent surgery (understandable), but they just bought tickets for my dad to see my siblings 2 weeks ago. Both my siblings also got quiet and abruptly ended a call after I said I can’t come.
Granted, one of them also just lost their job (but also just bought a house with their fiancé so idk if money is a concern or not) and the other also had to buy a new car this year…so we’re all going through it and had rent/bills go up. I get that I’m the “outlier” living in Oregon now, but I feel like I’ve carried most of the effort with little returned.
AITA for saying I can’t visit this year and being upset that no one ever comes to me?
Family Dynamics and Emotional Labor
According to Dr. Emily Carter, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, long-distance relationships often involve a significant amount of emotional labor.
This emotional investment can create feelings of resentment, especially when one party feels they are consistently giving more than they receive.
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Research shows that familial obligations can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, particularly when someone decides to prioritize their own needs.
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology highlights how these dynamics can impact mental health, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries.
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The Importance of Reciprocity
Dr. Amanda Green, a social psychologist, indicates that reciprocity in relationships is crucial for maintaining emotional balance.
When one party consistently invests more effort, it can create an imbalance that leads to frustration and withdrawal.
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It's essential to consider practical solutions, such as establishing clear communication about expectations and feelings.
Therapists often recommend setting boundaries and discussing the emotional impact of these visits to foster understanding and connection.
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Coping with Familial Expectations
Psychological research suggests that coping strategies can significantly affect how we manage familial expectations.
Studies indicate that practicing assertiveness and self-care can lead to healthier relationships while reducing guilt and stress.
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Developing a personal plan regarding family visits can help individuals feel more empowered.
Setting specific times for visits or suggesting alternative ways to connect, like video calls, can alleviate feelings of obligation while maintaining family ties.
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How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.
Expert Opinion
This situation reflects a common tension in family relationships where expectations collide with personal needs.
It’s vital to remember that prioritizing one's own mental health is not selfish; it's often necessary for maintaining overall family harmony.
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Ultimately, family dynamics are complex, and understanding the underlying psychological factors can foster healthier relationships.
As noted in family psychology resources, effective communication and boundary-setting can be key in managing these emotional challenges.
