Tweets Perfectly Depicting What Married Life Is Really Like

If you're looking forward to marrying your sweetheart, maybe you should read what it's like from firsthand married couples.

Sophia

Published in Funny
22 Feb 2019

Tweets Perfectly Depicting What Married Life Is Really Like

If you're the kind of person who dreams of not only a fairy tale wedding but also living out your day-to-day life with the love of your life, you might be in for a bit of a shock.

[ADVERTISEMENT]

Marriage isn't all about buying each other flowers or enjoying romantic candle-lit back rubs like it's portrayed in the movies, as much as we all wish it were. It's more about reminding your significant other to pick their socks up off the floor or maybe calling them at work, begging them to bring you toilet paper because they didn't replace the last roll, even though you've told them to do so PROBABLY A MILLION TIMES!

[ADVERTISEMENT]

Anyway, read these tweets from real-life married couples and decide if you can handle the hilarious truth behind REAL marriage.

Did you hide my hairbrush? I KNOW YOU DID

[facebook]
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"

[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016

ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016

I'm having flashbacks of when my fiancé watched our show without me... Pure evil.

[crawls out of burning house]
"SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?"
[flash backs of wife making me watch Big Bang Theory]
"No."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 29, 2016

My husband doesn't seem to realize I'm mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I'm not mad at him
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 6, 2016

Also: Tomatoes.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017

50 Shades of Grey, the married-with-kids version:

Attempting to sort 50 white (now grey) socks in laundry basket while husband snores.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 20, 2017

Maybe if you do it so poorly that she gets mad at you, she'll never let you do it again!

If at first you don't succeed maybe your wife will just do it for you from now on like that time I loaded the dishwasher.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2015

In case you're wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn't tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.
— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018

Did you? No... But, DID YOU?

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth, here for it (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016

Or breathe too loudly. Or blink with attitude.

Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017

[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017

Oh, because the WOOD needs love and attention, but not our spawn.

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well...
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016

Maybe next time I'll forget to tell you I'm late, and maybe we'll both be on time!

Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) February 15, 2017

I REALLY hate sharing...

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015

My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) November 2, 2014

I will stick to the budget... right after this!

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017

Me, "I need to get in shape."
Hubs, "What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?"
Me, "Shape, not Shake."
Hubs, "So...."
Me, "Chocolate."
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 19, 2017

The best thing that ever happened to you? Knew it.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015

Marriage is basically agreeing to not sleep in a comfortable position again for the rest of your life.
— QUΞΞN🎃ΔLΔNΔ (@AlanaRockz) November 16, 2015

"Turn over; you're breathing in my face."

Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017

Wife: You pick dinner.

Me: Pizza.

Wife: No.

Me: Tacos.

Wife: No.

Me: Subs.

Wife: No.

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Wife: It's up to you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016

I did it the last four times, but he keeps pushing it down like it's not his problem. HOW DARE HE!

Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016

You: *opens mouth to say something

Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."

-marriage
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016

No. I definitely do not.

Wife: I'm going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 20, 2017

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016