Is It Wrong to Call Out Overbearing Behavior in a Friendship of 7 Years?

Are you the jerk for calling out a friend's creepy behavior after years of friendship? The original poster, a 26-year-old, shared the story of her once-close friend, Jane, who became increasingly overbearing and intrusive, especially after finding out about the OP's pregnancy.

Jane's actions escalated from tracking the OP's location and bombarding her with messages to demanding to meet the OP's newborn son and getting upset when she wasn't the first. The OP finally confronted Jane, leading to a fallout.

The comments overwhelmingly supported the OP, labeling Jane's actions as beyond creepy and stalker-like. Many advised cutting off contact with Jane due to her concerning behavior.

Some even suggested seeking legal protection if the situation worsens. The thread highlighted the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's well-being and safety over toxic relationships.

The discussion delved into the complexities of friendship dynamics and the need to address unhealthy behaviors promptly. Readers empathized with the OP's challenging situation and emphasized the significance of self-care and protection in dealing with intrusive individuals like Jane.

Original Post

TL;DR: I called my friend creepy for her overbearing behavior. I 26F, have been close friends with someone named Jane, 25F for about 7 years.

She’s always been clingy and a bit overbearing, but never to this extent. The behaviors began as soon as I found out and told her I was pregnant.

We used to share locations, but after finding out about my pregnancy, she started tracking it. Asking me multiple times per day where I was, what I was doing there, who’s house I was at, why I was at their house, etc.

I told her it bothered me and I turned my location off. She also began blowing up my phone when I didn’t immediately respond, stalking my facebook friends list and questioning why I was friends with certain individuals, and asking me repeatedly if I loved my other friends more than her.

I told her I didn’t like these behaviors and that I was confused because she never used to act like this. She told me she was just looking out for my safety and well-being and that I was just being super emotional and sensitive because I was pregnant.

After this I stopped contact with her for a couple of weeks. She apologized and I felt like she got the memo.

Jane respected my boundaries and stopped doing these weird behaviors. It didnt last long.

Two weeks later, my son was delivered via emergency cesarean. He was resuscitated at birth and life flighted to a nicu 3 hours from me.

I didn’t get to meet him for 4 days due to me hemorrhaging after delivery. During that time, I wasnt answering my phone due to stress.

So she started blowing up my husbands phone. 13 messages.

He instantly blocked her. The next 3 weeks while my son was in the nicu, she repeatedly asked me why my husband blocked her.

I told her why. She told me it wasn’t fair and that he was mean because she was just worried about me.

She started demanding my location again. Blowing up my phone again saying she wants to meet my son.

I was too stressed to even respond. We finally got home after 3 weeks and I deliberately wasn’t telling this friend that we were home.

I wasn’t ready for the overbearing behavior in person. The same day we got home, she texted me saying “I drove past your house to see if you guys had finally made it home”, and started asking when she could meet our son.

I told her I wasn’t ready for that. Another friend of mine, Abby, came over to drop off an owlet sock she bought me.

We invited her to meet and h**g out with the baby and took a picture of her holding him. She asked if she could post on social media, and we didn’t mind at all.

Later, I get a giant text message from Jane saying how hurt she was that Abby got to meet our baby before her. She said it wasn’t fair because she checked on me so much while we were in the nicu.

To that I said, other people checked on us too, but did it without being creepy and weird like Jane had been. I started getting texts from her friends and family saying I need to be more understanding and sensitive about Jane’s feelings.

Understanding Overbearing Behavior

Overbearing behavior, like that exhibited by Jane, often stems from an individual's insecurities and fear of abandonment. It's a form of control aimed at preventing the feared rejection or loss. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone, in her article Understanding Ambivalent Friendships, discusses how such fears can lead to unhealthy dynamics in friendships.

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The escalating behavior Jane shows, such as the constant messages and tracking her friend, could be seen as a form of stalking. According to a study by Purcell, Pathe, and Mullen (2005), such obsessive behavior can be a sign of attachment disorders and other underlying psychological issues.

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The Role of Boundaries in Friendships

As the OP's situation illustrates, setting healthy boundaries is crucial in any relationship, including friendships. Boundaries serve as a guide for how we want and expect to be treated by others. The American Psychological Association outlines the importance of setting and respecting boundaries for maintaining positive relationships.

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Confronting a friend about their behavior, as the OP did, can be an essential step in re-establishing boundaries. According to research by Cupach and Spitzberg (2004), effectively managing unwanted pursuit behaviors, such as Jane's, often requires direct confrontation and explicit boundary setting.

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The Impact of Pregnancy on Friendships

Major life changes, such as pregnancy, often shift the dynamics of friendships. Research by Kalmijn (2012) suggests that people often reconfigure their social networks around parenthood. Jane's inability to adjust to this change may have contributed to her overbearing behavior.

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It's important to remember, however, that maintaining a friendship requires effort from both parties. The OP, being a new mom, may have found it more challenging to balance her old friendships with her new responsibilities. This is a common experience, according to Kalmijn's study.

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Mental Health and Toxic Relationships

Being in a toxic relationship, as the OP was with Jane, can have significant effects on mental health. A study by Joel, MacDonald, and Plaks (2015) showed that being subjected to negative behaviors from a close friend can increase feelings of anxiety and lower self-esteem.

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What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, the OP's situation brings to light the importance of setting boundaries, understanding the dynamics of friendships during major life changes, and recognizing the potential psychological underpinnings of overbearing behavior. It's crucial to prioritize mental health and not be afraid to confront problematic behavior in a friendship. Remember, it's not wrong to protect one's peace and sanity, even if it means ending a long-standing friendship.

Expert Opinion

Jane's behavior is a classic example of "attachment anxiety," where a person fears losing their relationship and acts out in controlling ways to prevent it. Her actions seem to have intensified with the OP's pregnancy, likely due to a perceived threat to their friendship. It's crucial in these situations to set firm boundaries and seek professional help if necessary.

Dr Emily Carter

Psychologist