The Best Sarcastic Quotes Sure To Sharpen Your Wit
Sarcastic quotes are the best; they’re inherently clever and just the right amount of sass.
Sarcasm has a way of turning ordinary language into a sharp little weapon, and that is exactly why people keep coming back to it. A well-timed line can land as a joke, a jab, or both at once.
This roundup pulls together 40 sarcastic quotes that range from dry and clever to downright savage. Some are famous, some are mysterious, but all of them are built for anyone who appreciates a perfectly timed eye roll in sentence form.
If you like your humor with a little bite, you are in the right place. Read on.
1. "I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
– Author Unknown
giphy2. "Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."
– John Wayne
giphy3. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."
– Bill Murray
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4. "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
– Albert Einstein
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Some of these are more blunt than subtle.
5. "Find your patience before I lose mine."
– Author Unknown
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6. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."
– Steven Wright
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7. "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
– Robin Williams
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8. "Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us."
– Stephen Colbert
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9. "Politics: ‘Poli’ is a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.’"
– Robin Williams
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10. "So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"
– Author Unknown
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That one probably says what a lot of people are thinking.
11. "Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
– Author Unknown
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12. "I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
– Oscar Wilde
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13. "Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."
– Steve Landesberg
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14. "I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."
– Author Unknown
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15. "Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."
– Author Unknown
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16. "I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
– Edward I. Koch
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17. "An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."
– Stephen Colbert
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18. "If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
– Steven Wright
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19. "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."
– Leon Trotsky
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20. "You know what I like about people? Their dogs."
– Jarod Kintz
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21. "I always say 'Morning' instead of 'Good morning' because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."
– Author Unknown
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That is a very specific kind of honesty.
22. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
– Oscar Wilde
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23. "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
– Fred Allen
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24. "A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."
– Sir Winston Churchill
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25. "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."
– Author Unknown
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26. "My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly 'we need to talk.'"
– Author Unknown
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27. "My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
– Rodney Dangerfield
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That escalated fast.
28. "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."
– Betty Reese
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29. "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."
– Abba Eban
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30. "An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true."
– Robert Oppenheimer
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31. "Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."
– Author Unknown
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32. "If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
– Shelby Mitchell
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33. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
– Albert Einstein
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34. "I am busy right now; can I ignore you some other time?"
– Author Unknown
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35. "Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language; I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."
– Author Unknown
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36. "Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
– Author Unknown
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37. "If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel."
– Author Unknown
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38. "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away, and you’ve got his shoes!"
– Billy Connolly
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39. "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."
– Michael Levine
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40. "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more."
– Walter Matthau
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Some of these lines are so dry they practically crackle.
Meh, maybe those quotes you scrolled through really weren’t all that sarcastic after all. Not in the slightest bit.
Who would like those quotes anyway? Just some sweet old ladies live, laugh, love-ing their best lives? Probably.
If you enjoyed this, be sure to share these sarcastic quotes with your friends and family. Or don’t, and hoard the witticisms for yourself; see if I care.
May your sarcasm always land.
After Einstein’s stick-and-stones joke, see how the internet mourns Chuck Norris with memes.
