Am I Wrong for Wanting Boundaries in Secret Relationship with Friend?

A 28-year-old man and his best friend, Sarah, started dating in secret like it was some kind of low-stakes science experiment. Spoiler: it never stays low-stakes for long.

They went from “we’re amazing friends” to “we have feelings,” then decided to keep it hidden for a while so it would be serious before they risked their friend group. For a year, it mostly worked, until Sarah started getting comfortable with PDA and dropping hints about going public. Meanwhile, he’s still stuck in that anxious place, loving her but terrified that if romance fizzles, their friendship could take the hit.

Now that Sarah wants to tell everyone, he’s asking himself if wanting boundaries makes him the bad guy, and the tension is getting louder by the night.

Original Post

So I'm (28M), and I've been friends with this amazing person (26F) for several years now. Let's call her Sarah.

We've always had a great friendship, sharing common interests and supporting each other through thick and thin. However, about a year ago, our friendship started to shift into something more.

We both developed feelings for each other, and after some hesitation, we decided to start dating in secret to test the waters since we valued our friendship a lot. For background, we both agreed to keep our relationship hidden for a while to make sure it was serious before involving our friend group.

Everything was going well until recently when Sarah started getting more comfortable with PDA and hinting at going public with our relationship. I, on the other hand, still feel a bit unsure about taking that step.

I value our friendship and worry that if things don't work out romantically, it could jeopardize what we have. Last night, Sarah brought up the idea of letting our friends know about us, and I hesitated.

I mentioned that I still need some time to be certain about this transition, which led to a bit of tension between us.

I love her, but I can't shake off this concern. So AITA for wanting to set boundaries with Sarah even though I care about her deeply?

Establishing boundaries is vital in any relationship, especially when transitioning from friendship to romance.

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Sarah is the one pushing for PDA and “going public,” while OP is the one trying to slow-walk the whole thing after keeping it secret for a year.

The moment OP hesitated when Sarah brought up telling their friends, the “test the waters” plan turned into a real-time argument.

It’s a lot like the OP who gave their friend an ultimatum over a crush.

The complexities of a secret relationship, as seen in the Reddit thread featuring the original poster and his friend Sarah, reveal how emotional dynamics can shift dramatically when romantic feelings are introduced. While keeping their connection under wraps might seem like a safeguard for their friendship, it actually heightens anxiety and uncertainty for both individuals involved. By scheduling these check-ins, the OP can create an open dialogue that not only clarifies their feelings but also nurtures a healthier emotional space that respects both their friendship and burgeoning romance.

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He’s worried about what happens if this turns out not to work romantically, because Sarah’s comfort with public affection makes that fear feel immediate.

Now their relationship is stuck between two timelines, his need for certainty and her desire to stop hiding, and that’s where the conflict really lands.

What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!

The Reddit thread presents a poignant exploration of the challenges that arise when a friendship begins to blur into romance. The original poster's desire for boundaries with Sarah speaks to a crucial aspect of any evolving relationship—communication. By articulating his need for clarity, he is not only protecting his feelings but also honoring the friendship that has been built over time.

This situation underscores the importance of establishing and maintaining boundaries to foster healthy interactions. These conversations can create a space where both individuals feel respected and understood, allowing their relationship to grow in a way that honors both the friendship and any romantic feelings that may develop.

It's completely natural for OP to feel conflicted about transitioning from a friendship to a romantic relationship, especially when there's a lot at stake emotionally. By openly discussing their feelings and expectations, both OP and Sarah can navigate this uncertain territory together, ensuring that their bond remains strong, no matter the outcome.

He might be the problem in Sarah’s eyes, but he’s not wrong for wanting control over his own risk.

Still unsure about boundaries after a secret ex hookup, see how OP handled “Setting Boundaries with Friend After Discovering Secret Relationship with Ex.”