Redditor Asks If He's An A**hole For Asking His Dad To Choose Between Him And Their Extended Family Members

A Redditor wanted a straight answer from his dad, and it turned into a full-blown family standoff. The question was brutal in its simplicity: should his father choose him over the extended family, or keep playing the “we all come first” game?

Here’s the complicated part. OP says his dad was raised in a codependent setup, so OP was basically trained to tag along on constant family visits. Then life kept stacking changes, grad school pulled OP away with his wife Amy, and when Amy got into medical school, OP moved again to support her, which should have been a sweet team moment. Instead, aunt Sarah started sending horrible messages to Amy, even telling her to get out of OP’s life, and the cousins backed Sarah like it was a group project.

Now he’s wondering if asking his dad to choose him makes him the a-hole, or if his family is just used to guilt-tripping him.

The Redditor asked if he's an a**hole for asking his dad to choose him over his extended family.

Reddit/Aware_Mirror_1365

He explained that his father was raised in a very codependent way.

The OP was made to go with his dad to visit the family all the time.

In the intricate web of family dynamics, loyalty often becomes a double-edged sword, as illustrated by the situation faced by Reddit user u/Aware_Mirror_1365. His request for his father to prioritize him over extended family members highlights the emotional turmoil that can arise from conflicting familial obligations.

Choosing between one's immediate family and broader family ties can foster unhealthy dynamics, as seen in this case. The emotional distress that accompanies such decisions is evident, as the user grapples with the fear of being sidelined in favor of relatives.

This dilemma underscores the broader conflict many face when trying to navigate their own needs against the expectations imposed by family loyalty, often leading to deep-rooted conflicts and distress.

The OP eventually moved away for grad school, and he was one of the first of his cousins to get married.

His wife Amy moved away with him for school.

When Amy got into medical school, the OP returned the favor and moved with her.

This all started when OP’s dad’s “everyone has to be included” routine meant OP was always dragged along for family visits.

This dynamic can trigger feelings of betrayal and guilt, impacting the individual's mental health. This principle is evident in the Redditor's request for their father to choose between them and extended family members.

The OP's aunt Sarah sent horrible messages to Amy.

She went as far as to tell Amy to get out of the OP's life.

All of the OP's cousins supported Sarah and her actions.

Things got worse after Amy got into medical school, because OP moving with her lit up aunt Sarah, who began sending nasty messages.

Strategies for Healthy Communication in Family Conflicts

Additionally, practicing empathy and understanding can help mitigate feelings of betrayal or alienation.

This is similar to the Redditor debating whether to refuse moving in with their family’s demands.

They said that Amy's career was going to tear the family apart.

The OP decided to go no-contact with his family apart from some holidays.

The OP says his father supports his extended family no matter what they do.

Seeking family therapy can also provide a structured environment to address these issues, allowing for guided discussions that promote healing and understanding.

Research indicates that families who engage in therapy often experience improved relationships and reduced conflict over time as they learn to communicate more effectively.

When the OP confronted Sarah and his cousins about their behavior towards Amy, they said there was no problem with the way they treated her.

Now, Amy is starting her residency and is also in the early stages of pregnancy.

One of the OP's cousins is also pregnant and sent Amy a hurtful message.

When he tried to show his father the message, he refused to look at it.

So, the OP asked his dad to choose between him and their extended family members.

His mom said that the OP was ungrateful for trying to control his parents' decisions.

Here's how people reacted.

Reddit/Equivalent_Value2686

"It's time for you to support your wife."

Reddit/PleaseCoffeeMe

"It shouldn't have to be asked."

Reddit/HappyCamper82

NTA.

Reddit/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets

"Your family sounds horrible."

Reddit/rockshow12

The cousins didn’t just disagree, they backed aunt Sarah’s “get out of OP’s life” threat, turning the conflict into a team sport.

That’s why OP finally went no-contact with the family except for holidays, and now the dad’s loyalty is the whole problem.</p>

What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think the OP is being unreasonable by asking his father to choose, or is it a fair request considering how the extended family has been treating Amy?

We would love to hear your opinions on this. You can share your thoughts with us in the comment section.

The tension between family loyalty and personal needs is palpable in this Redditor's dilemma.

He might not be asking for too much, but the family dinner did not leave any room for “maybe.”

For another family money fight, read what happened when OP refused to split bills evenly after brother’s job loss.