Jobless Boyfriend Manipulates His Girlfriend Into Thinking She Is Financially Abusing Him By Not Making Him A Co-Owner Of The Apartment She Wants To Buy

Arguments are inevitable in relationships. Disagreements are a part of being together but the telling part is not the opposing views, it's how you communicate them to each other.

OP and her boyfriend of two years are not new to disagreements. OP describes Adam as a person who doesn't easily open up about things that bother him.

They currently live together but OP is the only one with an income due to Adam's undisclosed disability. OP says they get along well enough but Adam can become unreasonable from time to time.

For example, Adam doesn't cook for both of them because he is worried that OP won't like what he makes. He still makes food enough for himself and from what OP can smell in their kitchen, Adam knows how to cook well.

Adam also refuses to do any chores because he is afraid he will break or damage things in their apartment. OP was frustrated by this but they are currently working on this specific issue.

A new and more complicated issue has driven a much bigger wedge in their relationship. OP has been dreaming of buying an apartment of her own for years.

She has been saving to buy one since 2015 and if all goes according to plan, she will be able to do that this year. OP decided to share this personal milestone with Adam, thinking he will be happy for her.

Adam freaked out when OP said she will finally buy the apartment she wanted this year

Adam said OP should wait until they were married to buy the apartment. OP said she would not be doing that.

Adam went on to say that he feels lousy witnessing OP buy an apartment all by herself without having contributed to it. OP asked Adam what she was supposed to do because what he was describing sounded like a personal issue that had nothing to do with OP.

He gave OP two options: 1, buy the apartment but include his name on the title, or 2, wait until they were married so the apartment becomes a shared marital asset.

OP said no to both options and told Adam to drop the issue. OP thought that was the end of the discussion until Adam proved her wrong during his family's dinner.

While his family was there, Adam began complaining about OP's plan to buy an apartment. He brought up the two options he could live with and said he couldn't accept the power imbalance in their relationship.

Adam also said that what OP was doing made him feel like he wasn't contributing anything. OP had enough and said Adam feels that way because he actually contributes nothing.

OP said he can fix that by finding a job and having a decent income. His family looked shocked while Adam stared at OP and walked away.

OP waited for Adam to come back but had to go home without him because his mom said he felt overwhelmed and needed space away from OP. Adam's mom shamed OP for what she said and hinted about the "financial abuse" in their relationship.

As of the last update, Adam hasn't come home yet. He is, however, demanding to talk about the apartment once again and probably expecting OP to cave in to one of his two options.

u/Throwaway2356110

Is OP the a**hole for finally getting real with her boyfriend?

u/Throwaway2356110

Now - the complicated part:

u/Throwaway2356110

Understanding Weaponized Incompetence

The term 'weaponized incompetence' refers to a tactic where an individual pretends to be incapable of performing a task to avoid responsibility or gain sympathy. This behavior can often stem from deeper psychological issues, such as learned helplessness or low self-esteem. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights that individuals who feel powerless in certain domains may unconsciously resort to this strategy as a means of exerting control over their circumstances.

In the context of the relationship described, Adam's behavior may reflect an underlying fear of inadequacy or rejection, leading him to manipulate the narrative around financial contributions. This dynamic not only creates an imbalance in the relationship but can also exacerbate feelings of resentment and frustration for the partner who feels burdened by the financial responsibilities.

Understanding Weaponized Incompetence

Dr. John Gottman’s research on marital dynamics highlights the concept of weaponized incompetence, where individuals feign inability to avoid responsibility.

His studies suggest that this behavior often emerges in relationships where one partner feels overwhelmed and seeks to manipulate their circumstances.

This tactic can create significant imbalance, leading to frustration and resentment.

Power imbalance

u/Throwaway2356110

So, OP is financially abusive?

u/Throwaway2356110

Excellent four-point argument to make OP think about the reality of her situation

Dis_Is_Hooman

Research indicates that effective communication styles are crucial for couples in resolving conflicts. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship expert, states, "When partners engage in open and honest dialogue, they create a safe space for vulnerability, which is essential for conflict resolution." Her insights can be found on her professional website, dralexandrasolomon.com. In this scenario, OP might find it beneficial to foster open conversations that allow Adam to express his thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. This approach could help cultivate an atmosphere where both partners feel acknowledged and appreciated, potentially easing the strain related to financial matters.

Moreover, recognizing the signs of financial manipulation is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, financial abuse can be a form of emotional manipulation that erodes trust and autonomy.

Understanding these dynamics can empower individuals to take control of their financial situations.

It doesn't take a lot of jumping to get to this conclusion

Minnie_091220

Drop this man like a hot potato. Get a dog, OP, any dog at all would be better than this guy.

Elementary57

If he can cook for himself, why can't he cook for two? His reasoning sounds more like an excuse to lower OP's expectations of him even more.

ALostAmphibian

The Impact of Financial Stress on Relationships

Financial stress is a well-documented strain on relationships, often leading to increased conflict and decreased satisfaction. According to Liz Weston, a financial columnist, "Money issues can amplify existing relationship problems and create new ones, leading to anxiety and dissatisfaction." The pressure of financial instability can create a cycle where stress leads to conflict, which then exacerbates financial issues. In this scenario, it's crucial for both partners to recognize how financial stress may be influencing their interactions. Implementing joint financial planning sessions may not only help alleviate some of the financial burdens but also strengthen the partnership through collaboration and shared goals, as noted by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who states, "Working together on finances can enhance communication and trust between partners."

Establishing Financial Boundaries

Setting clear financial boundaries is vital in preventing manipulation.

Dr. Elizabeth Dunn, a psychologist specializing in financial behavior, emphasizes the importance of transparency in financial matters.

Open discussions about financial expectations can help prevent misunderstandings and foster mutual respect.

Parasite is a a better name to call him instead of boyfriend

HTX-713

It's the same as pulling out the mental health card to excuse terrible behavior

CorvusStrix

OP needs to realize her self worth because it's just unhealthy to think she deserves a guy like Adam

IHaveSaidMyPiece

A clinical psychologist specializing in relational dynamics suggests that setting clear expectations and boundaries around finances can greatly enhance relationship stability. According to research from the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who regularly engage in discussions about financial roles and responsibilities tend to report higher satisfaction in their relationships.

For OP and Adam, establishing a clear agreement regarding financial contributions, including discussions about co-ownership of the apartment, may help clarify expectations and reduce potential misunderstandings. Regular check-ins to assess how each partner feels about their contributions can also foster a sense of fairness and collaboration.

Additionally, creating a joint financial plan can promote accountability.

Research indicates that couples who collaboratively manage finances report greater satisfaction in their relationships.

This shared responsibility can enhance trust and reduce feelings of resentment.

The best time to end the relationship was yesterday, the next best time is today

Lia_Delphine

He thought if he had his family to back him up, OP would cave in to his demands

Notthesharpestmarble

He has already "trained" OP to expect nothing from him and do everything for him. What does he contribute in this relationship, truly?

iLiveInAHologram94

Navigating Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency can often complicate financial dynamics in relationships. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, individuals who rely heavily on their partners for emotional validation may struggle with asserting their needs, particularly in financially charged discussions.

This dependency can lead to scenarios where one partner feels taken advantage of, while the other may feel overwhelmed by guilt or inadequacy. To combat this, it’s essential for both partners to cultivate self-esteem and emotional resilience, ideally through therapy or personal development workshops that focus on building autonomy and communication skills.

The Importance of Communication

Effective communication is essential in addressing financial issues.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s work on Nonviolent Communication suggests that expressing feelings and needs openly can reduce conflict.

Creating a safe environment for financial discussions can lead to more productive outcomes.

How is that financial abuse? Maybe Adam should live with his mom again if she's so concerned about OP controlling him.

Emergency-Fox-5982

It says a lot about him and how he views his relationship with OP

pixiep48

OP, read this out loud three times and ask yourself why you are still with Adam

NDC-not-covered

Behavioral psychologists emphasize the importance of recognizing and addressing maladaptive communication patterns. In relationships like OP and Adam's, where financial imbalance exists, one partner may adopt passive-aggressive tactics or withdraw emotionally as a means of coping with stress. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist, states, "When financial stress enters a relationship, it can create a breeding ground for misunderstandings and resentment" on her website dralexandrasolomon.com. To break this cycle, couples may benefit from cognitive-behavioral techniques that help them identify and reframe negative thoughts and behaviors. Engaging in couples therapy could provide a structured environment for both partners to learn healthier communication strategies and address underlying emotional issues, as noted by Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist, who emphasizes the value of open dialogue in resolving conflicts on his site iankerner.com.

Furthermore, seeking professional advice can also be beneficial.

Consulting with financial advisors or therapists can provide couples with tools to navigate complex financial issues.

According to David Bach, a financial author, "Understanding the emotional aspects of money is crucial for couples to build a healthy financial relationship." Professional guidance can facilitate healthier financial dynamics and improve communication about money matters.

The reality of the situation doesn't sink in until you've seen it all written down

addisonavenue

The bar is in hell at this point

escapist11

Should OP choose to continue this relationship, she will have a lot of back pain carrying a lot of dead weight for the rest of liviher life

21stCenturyJanes

The Role of Transparency in Relationships

Transparency in financial matters is critical in fostering trust and security in relationships. According to a study in The Journal of Family and Economic Issues, couples who openly discuss their financial situations and future plans report greater relationship satisfaction and stability.

For OP and Adam, adopting a practice of regular financial check-ins could help bridge any gaps in understanding. This proactive approach not only encourages openness but also empowers both partners to express their needs and expectations clearly, ultimately leading to a healthier partnership.

Promoting Mutual Accountability

Ultimately, fostering mutual accountability in financial matters is key to a healthy relationship.

Dr. Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability emphasizes that sharing responsibilities can enhance intimacy and trust.

When both partners feel invested in their financial decisions, it strengthens the overall relationship.

I would honestly rather be single and alone than living with a person like Adam. He does nothing, expects everything, and has the audacity to demand more.

OP can do so much better than Adam. It will take a lot of work for her to realize that she deserves more than the bare minimum from the person she plans on spending the rest of her life with.

Psychological Analysis

This scenario reflects the complexities of financial dynamics in relationships, where manipulation can undermine trust.

It's essential for individuals to recognize these patterns and actively work towards establishing healthier financial practices.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Recognizing and addressing weaponized incompetence is crucial for maintaining emotional health in relationships.

By establishing financial boundaries and fostering open communication, couples can promote mutual respect and understanding.

Ultimately, shared accountability is essential for building a healthy partnership.

In summary, the psychological dynamics at play in this relationship highlight the importance of communication, mutual respect, and emotional awareness. Dr. Sue Johnson, a couples therapy pioneer, emphasizes that "effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship," which includes addressing underlying issues like weaponized incompetence and emotional dependency. As noted on her professional website, iceeft.com, open dialogues about finances and mutual responsibilities can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction.

Ultimately, both partners must feel empowered to express their needs and work collaboratively towards solutions, ensuring that the relationship thrives amidst any challenges it may face.