40 Funny Toasts for Weddings, Pubs, and Anywhere You Need to Raise a Glass

It started with a harmless handoff, someone grabbing a drink, then turning their head like they’re waiting for a punchline. You know the look, the one that says, “Toast time,” even if your brain is still stuck on what you’re holding.

That’s how these tiny, two-second lines become survival tools. In a pub, you need at least three people who already know the words, because half the fun is the chant. At a wedding, though, the stakes get weird fast, the best man goes too long, the maid of honor turns emotional, and somehow a college nickname always shows up like it’s been invited separately.

Some toasts are quick, some are chaotic, and the wrong one can turn a raised glass into a full-on family dinner.

Short Funny Toasts for When the Glass Is Already Raised

Two-second toasts. Useful when someone hands you a drink and stares.

• "Here's to alcohol, the cause of and the solution to all of life's problems."
• "May we never go to hell, but always be on our way."
• "Here's to being single, drinking doubles, and seeing triple."
• "Here's to the night I'll never remember with the friends I'll never forget."
• "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."
• "May your trousers grow tighter from gluttony, not gout."
• "Here's lookin' up your old address."
• "Bottoms up, and may the bottom never come back."

The short ones survive because nobody can mess them up halfway through.

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Funny Drinking Toasts (For Beer Gardens and Whiskey Bars)

These need a pub, a beer, and at least three people who already know the words.

• "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." (Misattributed to Benjamin Franklin for so long that nobody bothers to correct it anymore.)
• "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." (Winston Churchill, allegedly.)
• "Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer, and another one."
• "May we live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent."
• "Here's to fine wine, sharp cheese, and arguments left at the door."
• "Drink today, and drown all sorrow. You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow."

The Germans take this category most seriously. Their "Prost!" comes from the Latin "Prosit," meaning "may it do you good," which was shouted by 16th-century German university students during drinking sessions. Centuries later, the word survives because nothing else fits quite as well in a beer hall.

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Funny Wedding Toasts for Best Men and Maids of Honor

Wedding toasts go badly in predictable ways. The best man says too much. The maid of honor cries about her own breakup. Someone reveals a college nickname. The whole genre of awkward wedding toasts that call out the bride and family is a useful list of what not to do.

These are the ones that work.

• "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
• "May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old-fashioned enough to last forever."
• "To the bride and groom: may all your ups and downs be in the bedroom."
• "Marriage is finding that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life. Here's to two people who found each other first."
• "May the bride always remember she said yes, and may the groom never forget why he asked."
• "Here's to the couple. May they make each other laugh as often as they make the rest of us roll our eyes."

Keep it under 30 seconds. People are holding drinks and looking for the cake.

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Rhyming Funny Toasts (The Ones People Actually Remember)

Rhyming toasts are easier to recite drunk. That is the entire reason they exist.

• "Here's to the wings of love. May they never molt a feather. Till your shoes and her shoes are under the bed together."
• "Here's to wine, women, and song. May we always enjoy them, but never too long."
• "May your troubles be less, and your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door."
• "Here's to me, and here's to you. May our friendship be true. If by chance we disagree, the hell with you and here's to me."
• "Champagne for our real friends, and real pain for our sham friends."
• "May we always be happy, and may our enemies know it."

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Dirty Funny Toasts (Pick Your Crowd First)

Not for weddings unless someone gave explicit permission. Not for the company holiday party. These are for nights with people who've known you long enough that nothing surprises them anymore.

• "Here's to you and here's to me. Here's to all the company. If by chance we disagree, the hell with you and here's to me."
• "Here's to the woman who taught me how to drink. She told me how, she told me when, and now she's drinking with my friends."
• "Here's to the breeze that lifts her skirt above her knees, and to the chair that holds her there."
• "May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead."
• "Here's to the bachelor, so lonely and gay, for he's married tomorrow and miserable for life."

A surprising amount of what bartenders overhear from customers involves dirty toasts being workshopped in public. Most of them don't land. The ones above have at least been pre-tested.

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Funny Toasts From Famous People (Half of Them Misattributed)

The thing about famous toasts is that the more famous the person, the less likely they actually said it. With that in mind:

• "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." (Dorothy Parker. This one's real.)
• "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." (Hemingway, probably.)
• "Here's to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life." (F. Scott Fitzgerald, possibly.)
• "Here's to absent friends, and may they be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows they're dead." (An Irish toast attributed to nobody in particular for so long that everyone just calls it Irish.)

Half of these have been printed on so many pub walls that the original speaker has been forgotten. Probably for the best.

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That’s why the two-second toasts matter, especially when someone stares at you mid-sip like you’re on the spot for a magic trick.

For more chaos on the sidewalk, check out the 69 signs that went completely off script.

Then you pivot to the beer garden crowd, where “Prost” gets shouted and suddenly you’re part of a very loud, very committed group project.

But at the wedding, the vibe flips, because the best man’s “just one more sentence” and the maid of honor’s emotional detour can derail the whole room.

And the moment someone reveals that one college nickname, the bride and family are trapped in the blast radius of a joke that did not need to exist.

The Funny Family Dinner Toast

Burnt toast turns up a lot in marriage tweets about snack wives and worn-out husbands for a reason. Family dinner toasts share the same energy. A round of these works at Thanksgiving, an anniversary, or any meal where someone has decided to be sentimental.

• "To everyone at this table: thank you for being interesting enough to talk about behind your backs."
• "To family. You can't pick them, but you can sometimes outdrink them."
• "Here's to the people we used to be, and the people we will be when this bottle's empty."

The best toast fits the room. A two-line rhyme at a friend's wedding lands better than a five-minute story about Vegas. Keep it short, keep it clean enough for the audience, and end before people notice you're still talking.

For pub night company, funny trivia team names covers the other half of bar humor for when toasts give way to quiz rounds.

Nobody wants to be the person whose toast turned the night into a group memory.

Still stuck on a riddle after staring at it for too long? Try these adults riddles that sound simple until you actually try to answer.