Reddit Investigates If a 90-Year-Old Grandma with Dementia Can Bake a Transphobic Cake with Her Granddaughter's Deadname on It

A 46-year-old dad walked out of his daughter's birthday party after he saw the cake his grandma allegedly baked for her. OP's 17-year-old daughter, Alexis, is a transgender woman.

OP admitted it was a huge adjustment for their family, especially for his 90-year-old grandmother, who has mild dementia.

Alexis originally planned to spend her birthday with her friends. OP's sister, who is their grandmother's main caregiver, suggested that they hold a party with family at their grandma's house as well.

OP's daughter agreed, thinking it was a great idea. The party was going well until the birthday cake was brought out.

One of their grandma's passions in life was baking. She bakes and decorates cakes for their family's special occasions.

Written on Alexis's birthday cake was, "Happy Birthday, (Deadname)!" Alexis cried as soon as she saw what was written on the cake.

OP quickly gathered their things before following his daughter out of the house. They spent the rest of the night watching Alexis's favorite movie at home, eating store-bought cake and ice cream.

Alexis felt better after a while. OP's phone was blowing up with messages from his sister, but OP put her on mute to focus on his daughter.

OP checked the messages once Alexis was safely in her room. His sister's first message was to ask if Alexis was okay and if they were coming back.

Her Tone Quickly Changed After That

u/HopefulChocolatepie

OP's Sister Called Alexis Ungrateful and Unstable. She Said Alexis Should Have Smiled Because Their Grandmother Put a Lot of Effort into the Cake.

u/HopefulChocolatepie

OP Texted His Sister That Those Were Horrible Things to Say About His Daughter and That They Were Done Spending Time with Family That Day. His Sister Replied with, "K."

u/HopefulChocolatepie

Ethics of Caregiving and Autonomy

The situation raises significant ethical questions regarding autonomy and decision-making in caregiving. Research in the field of bioethics highlights the importance of respecting the autonomy of individuals, even those with cognitive impairments.

When caregivers impose their beliefs or values on those they care for, it can lead to feelings of invalidation and resentment. This situation illustrates the need for a balanced approach that respects both the caregiver's intentions and the individual's dignity.

OP's Relatives Are on His and Alexis's Side. They Have Been Getting the Cold Shoulder from His Sister and Grandma.

u/HopefulChocolatepie

"Happy Birthday to You, Too, OP, 'Cause Clearly Your Sister Thinks You Were Born Yesterday," Is Such a Quotable Sentence.

pottersquash

People Doubted If OP's Grandma Actually Baked the Cake Without OP's Sister Assisting Her.

Kcinic

Psychologists point out that the principles of person-centered care emphasize the importance of understanding the individual's perspective. According to studies published in the Journal of Gerontology, when caregivers engage in open dialogue with individuals experiencing dementia, it not only enhances their sense of agency but also improves the overall quality of care.

This approach could have transformed the interaction between the grandmother and her granddaughter, allowing for a more meaningful exchange that respects the grandmother's identity.

Even If Grandma Baked and Decorated Everything, Smearing the Wrong Name Wouldn't Have Been a Hard Thing for Aunt to Do.

StrangledInMoonlight, pottersquash

OP's Sister Has an Agenda She's Trying to Push. It's Gross That She Used Their Grandma to Hide Her Bigotry.

HelloRedditAreYouOk

If the Cake Was Iced Flawlessly, Then It's Doubtful If OP's Grandma Wrote Alexis's Deadname by Herself.

squishpitcher

Navigating Family Dynamics

Family dynamics can often complicate caregiving relationships, leading to conflicts over values and expectations. Research indicates that unresolved family conflicts can exacerbate stress for both caregivers and care recipients.

Engaging in family therapy may provide a platform for addressing these conflicts, allowing family members to express their feelings and negotiate their needs. This could foster a more supportive environment for everyone involved.

No Matter What Happened in That Kitchen, the Onus Falls on OP's Sister.

Reddit

Grandma's Dementia Would Have Affected Her Ability to Retain New Information, i.e., Remembering Alexis's Name and Preferred Pronouns.

Sangy101

Let's Say She Did Write Alexis's Deadname on the Cake. She Can't Be Held Responsible for It. OP's Sister, Who Was Supposed to Be Caring for Their Grandma, Should Have Intervened.

Sangy101

Moreover, studies show that providing caregivers with emotional support and resources can mitigate feelings of frustration and helplessness. Cognitive-behavioral strategies can help caregivers navigate their emotions while maintaining respect for the autonomy of their loved ones.

Encouraging caregivers to seek support from professionals or support groups can enhance their coping skills and enable them to provide care that honors the individual's rights and preferences.

Grandma Probably Had No Malicious Intent Because of Her Medical Condition.

tan_sandoval

However, the Aunt's Reaction Was Telling.

tan_sandoval

She Went on the Offensive and Immediately Called Alexis Unstable Instead of Immature or Anything Else.

yet_another_sock

OP Said He Would Talk to His Grandma to Straighten the Story Out. As for the Transphobes in His DMs, Go Kick Rocks.

u/HopefulChocolatepie

Despite all of this, OP's unconditional love and support for his daughter was incredibly touching. He didn't hesitate to leave the party when he saw how the cake affected her.

He spent the rest of the night making sure she could go to bed feeling a bit better. Most of all, he defended her from his own sister and online strangers who tried to push their outdated beliefs.

Psychological Analysis

This situation reflects the challenges faced by caregivers who may struggle with balancing their intentions with the autonomy of their loved ones. It's essential to recognize that even those with cognitive impairments have a right to agency and respect.

Fostering an environment that encourages open dialogue can enhance understanding and improve relationships within families.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

This scenario underscores the complexity of caregiving relationships, especially when cognitive decline is involved. Maintaining a balance between care and autonomy is crucial for fostering dignity and respect in these interactions.

Ultimately, engaging in open communication and seeking professional guidance can significantly improve the caregiving experience for both parties involved.