31 Men Reveal Their Biggest Regrets About Getting Married

Some people get married and think it will fix everything, like love is a cheat code. For the 31 men in these Reddit stories, marriage turned into the place where old hopes met brand-new reality, and the gap hurt more than they expected.

In one story, a man regrets tying the knot at 21, before he felt ready to know what he was really signing up for. In another, the problem was effort, not timing, his wife put in all the work while he admits he didn’t try hard enough. And then there are the darker ones, like being married to an abusive narcissist, and the regret that comes after realizing “forever” doesn’t automatically mean “safe.”

It’s not just heartbreak, it’s the moment they look back and realize they didn’t choose marriage, they got pulled into it.

"Getting married when I was too young, 21, not old enough to know a lot of things that I should have known."

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'Settling' instead of 'waiting'

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Regret emerges as a profound emotional undercurrent throughout the narratives shared by the 31 men in the article about their marriage experiences. Many of these individuals reveal that their initial dreams of matrimony, filled with love and harmony, often clashed with the reality they encountered. This dissonance between expectation and experience can lead to a deep sense of regret, particularly when they feel their aspirations for marriage remain unfulfilled.

The stories illustrate how this regret serves as a catalyst for introspection, compelling these men to reevaluate their choices, values, and the emotional needs they sought to satisfy through marriage. Their reflections highlight the importance of understanding one's desires before making such a significant commitment, suggesting that the journey toward fulfillment is complex and often fraught with unexpected challenges.

Being married to an abusive narcissist

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"Not putting in the effort that is expected. My wife put in all the effort and I didn't try hard enough."

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Exploring Regrets in Marriage

Regrets often stem from unmet expectations and the complexities of human relationships. many regrets in marriage relate to communication failures and unexpressed feelings. Couples who fail to articulate their needs and desires may find themselves harboring resentment and disappointment over time.

Understanding these dynamics can help individuals reflect on their marital choices and consider how open communication might have altered their experiences.

"My wife and I both agree: we got married because our families, and society in general, expected it."

"We have no regrets--our marriage is pretty good--but the relationship isn't *better* in any way for us being married. Married or not, we're definitely happier together than apart, though."

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"I made a poor choice in women"

"Shockingly, not much. My marriage only lasted 5 or 6 years.

I made a poor choice in women, or rather I ignored the red flags that were waving in my face like a Communist parade. Thing is though, I wouldn't change any of the marriage part of it.

My X-Wife turned out to be more awful that I thought though. When my gay kid came out (over a decade after we split), she actually told her "Why don't you try being normal" which still pisses me off to this day.

But again, I don't regret the time I spent with her. It helped forge me into who I am.

While it all went down in flames, I learned a lot in those few brief years and I ended up with a kid who I love with all my heart. She's the best part of my life.

She also doesn't even see her mother anymore. Once that whole "be normal" thing went down, that was it.

I regret very little of my life. I've had a great one. Even now at middle age, I'm not going to sit here and look back wondering "what if?".

Of course I could have made some better choices. A lot of them in fact.

But as long as you learn from your mistakes, these aren't wasted experiences. I'm not the smartest guy in the room, but I never make the same mistake twice.

And I feel like regret, wondering what might have been, fawning over the past, it's all a waste of the present. At least that's how I try to live."

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That 21-year-old regret hits hardest when you realize he wasn’t just young, he was swept up before he even knew what he needed from a marriage.

Moreover, studies show that the impact of regret can vary greatly among individuals. Those with higher emotional intelligence often navigate regret more effectively, utilizing it as a tool for personal growth, while others may dwell on negative feelings.

Understanding this difference can help individuals strategize on how to better cope with their regrets, encouraging a mindset that looks toward future possibilities rather than past mistakes.

"I was manipulated into marrying a woman that turned out to be profoundly violently mentally ill."

"I knew she had issues but had no idea how severe. I should have trusted my gut instinct.

The final time 20 years ago she was committed to a psych ward I grabbed custody and a restraining order. Always trust your instincts."

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"Biggest regret is not pushing to meet her family sooner."

"We dated for 6 years long distance before I saw her mom and dad and sister interact at a dinner table. It revealed so much about my wife’s behaviors, mannerisms, stigmas that I previously could not wrap my head around.

Her parents were unbelievably toxic to one another’s and her sister was unhinged. We’re still married and happy with a child on the way but it would have been nice to know about her family history of mental illness and her parent’s loveless marriage and all the neglect my wife suffered prior.

I remember talking to my dad about her and the best way I could describe her was that occasionally for weeks/months on end she turned into a house cat. She would do nothing just eat and sleep, mindlessly watched tv and social media for 12-16 hours a day, refuses to do even simple tasks.

And then like a switch she would be normal again and contribute as if nothing happened. Turns out her mom is diagnosed with ADHD and depression, her sister is diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD and her dad is a literal hoarder and while not medically diagnosed has done some pretty messed up things that has me thinking he has no ability to feel empathy…."

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Psychological research indicates that regrets can be categorized into two main types: actions taken and actions not taken. A study published in the American Psychological Association found that individuals often regret not pursuing their dreams or passions, which can manifest in feelings of dissatisfaction within their marriages. This reflects the importance of personal fulfillment in maintaining a healthy partnership.

Couples are encouraged to engage in discussions about their individual aspirations and how these can coexist within their marriage.

"Thinking that the things that bothered me about her would fade"

"Thinking that the things that bothered me about her would fade. Or she would change.

Boy was I wrong. Every single surface is covered in c**p, I am about to divorce someone for being too messy."

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"I wish I’d just done it sooner"

"I don’t mean this in an “Aw sweet” kind of way, but I wish I’d just done it sooner. I wanted to have a good job before we got married.

But getting married wouldn’t have changed that, except maybe making it a little easier for us tax wise. We’d been together for 6 years and knew about 8 months in we were done looking.

But. I had stupid young man pride.

My other regret, and she agrees, is the wedding. In hindsight it was a stupidly expensive party we didn’t get to enjoy."

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Expectations play a crucial role in shaping our experiences.

"Getting married so quickly"

"We got married when I was 23 and he was just shy of 25. We’d only been together 10 months.

We had always planned to get married, just not THEN. But then his very proper grandparents said that we should get married or they’d be disappointed, essentially stop seeing us, and we’d see no help from them.

To this day I’m not sure what kind of help they thought we wanted. So we got married.

BUT…..been married for 21 years (together for 22) and very happy together so I guess it worked out in the end."

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"Thinking I could cure his depression and PTSD"

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Societal pressures can profoundly shape our views on marriage and success. Research from the University of Michigan suggests that individuals may feel compelled to conform to societal norms, leading to choices that may not align with their true selves. This disconnect can lead to significant regrets, especially when individuals prioritize external validation over personal happiness.

Encouraging open discussions about societal expectations can help partners navigate their unique desires and values within their marriage.

"My gullibility in believing my wife and her family are capable of keeping their promises and saying what they mean."

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"Not trusting my instincts sooner"

"Divorced here - not trusting my instincts sooner. I vividly remember telling her that she had the ability to "steam roll" my emotions and feelings.

that was *before* we got married in 2001. cut to 4 years post divorce now in 2023, and her steamroller is larger and more abusive and meaner."

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Then comes the “settling” theme, where men describe agreeing to marriage because it was expected by families and society, not because their relationship was ready.

Additionally, cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques can help individuals reframe their regrets. By identifying the thoughts and beliefs that contribute to feelings of regret, individuals can work on altering their perspectives, focusing on lessons learned rather than failures.

This process can lead to greater self-compassion and a more positive outlook on future possibilities.

Also, if you’re wondering how tiny habits explode into fights, check out the little things that drive people crazy.

"Not divorcing sooner."

"I held out for years longer than was good for either of us and the children. It got ugly.

In hindsight, I should have walked away with her saying that I gave up too soon rather than having put up with those last five years of truly vast quantities of money spent on marriage counseling that just made things worse, intense fights, bruises, concussion, and winter nights sleeping in the car."

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"Not talking about boundaries before and ensuring I have enough space and time to myself."

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Furthermore, the concept of 'sunk cost fallacy' can play a role in marital regrets. Individuals may feel compelled to stay in unsatisfactory marriages because of the time and effort already invested, even when the relationship is no longer fulfilling. Research in behavioral economics highlights how this cognitive bias can trap individuals in cycles of regret and dissatisfaction.

Recognizing this pattern can empower individuals to reevaluate their choices and consider whether staying in an unfulfilling relationship is truly in their best interest.

"Not cohabiting first"

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"The money spent on it."

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Communicating Regret with Partners

Open communication is vital when dealing with feelings of regret in relationships.

"We’re married during Covid, so we didn’t get a wedding. Feels silly to do one now, but I hate that I missed out."

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"Letting my MIL push us around for a couple of years."

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After that, the stories get uglier fast, like the guy admitting he was married to an abusive narcissist, and how that kind of regret does not fade on its own.

Self-reflection is a critical component in addressing marital regrets.

"Not doing it sooner"

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A prenup

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Moreover, engaging in active listening during these conversations can enhance emotional closeness. Research in relationship psychology indicates that couples who practice active listening experience higher levels of satisfaction and connection.

Creating a safe space for vulnerability during discussions about regret can lead to healing and growth.

The wrong approach

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Simple

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Moreover, the role of forgiveness cannot be understated in the context of marital regrets.

"1st marriage no regrets, but the 2nd was just a mistake"

"1st Marriage, no regrets about getting married with what I knew at the time, but I do regret how I handled her infidelity. I was far too conciliatory, and I think if I had been more firm with her in setting boundaries afterward, maybe we'd have actually made it (I doubt it, but in retrospect I think that was our only chance).

2nd marriage was just a mistake. We just weren't compatible.

She's a good person, but we weren't good together. I knew this subconsciously before we got married, but I convinced myself that my misgiving were just "jitters."

After I realized it (~6 months), should have ended it sooner (kept trying for 7 years-I/we had no chance). I'm engaged now to a woman who makes me feel VERY differently about the relationship than I ever have, and this feels like "it's supposed to," if that makes any sense, but I still learned a lot from my past, and I'm using what I learned to make sure I don't repeat mistakes (I definitely accept my portion of the blame for things that went wrong-I've had a lot of time to think about them)."

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"I lose the sense of independence and freedom for mental compromise as a partner"

"For me, it is the constant compromising I do mentally. It probably the same in any kind of relationship but I lose the sense of independence and freedom for mental compromise as a partner.

Not a big regret for me but the biggest one i can think of. It's good to remind oneself to take a me day every once and a while."

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And even the “no regrets” guy still lands on the same sting, being married didn’t magically make things better, it just changed the shape of the same relationship.

Processing regret is crucial in the journey of understanding one's marriage experience. The men in this article reveal that many rushed into marriage, driven by an idealized vision of wedded bliss. They express the importance of finding closure to reconcile their feelings about their choices. Engaging in reflective practices can serve as a vital tool for these individuals. For instance, writing a letter to oneself or participating in a symbolic act can help them confront their regrets and ultimately embrace new beginnings. This perspective highlights that addressing past decisions is key to moving forward and finding personal peace.

Losing yourself

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Spending on a videographer

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Building a Supportive Partnership

Creating a supportive partnership is essential in mitigating regrets.

Finances

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Getting married

"Getting married. I love my wife and kids, and getting married probably saved my life.

I feel like I'm not cut out for marriage, though, and I have so many days where I wish I just chose never to get married and have kids."

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Ultimately, understanding that regret is a common human experience can be liberating.

It seems like pretty much everything

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The stories reveal that many rushed into marriage, driven by an idealized vision of love and happiness, only to confront unexpected challenges. Open communication and self-reflection emerge as vital tools for navigating these complexities. Couples who engage in honest discussions about their experiences can better understand each other's perspectives, ultimately working together to minimize regrets and build a more fulfilling future. As these narratives show, a supportive partnership is essential for overcoming the disillusionment that can arise in marriage.

As highlighted by the stories shared by these men, navigating the emotional landscape of regret in marriage is a complex journey that demands introspection and honest dialogue. Many expressed feelings of being unprepared for the weight of expectations that accompanied their vows, which often clashed with the reality of married life. The importance of recognizing and addressing these expectations cannot be overstated, as they can significantly impact relationship dynamics.

Furthermore, the notion of closure emerged as a common theme among their regrets. Embracing regret, rather than shying away from it, can ultimately lead to richer, more meaningful relationships and personal evolution. The insights gleaned from these experiences serve as valuable lessons for those contemplating marriage, suggesting that a thoughtful approach can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Ultimately, addressing regrets in marriage involves a combination of self-awareness, communication, and support.

Marriage often begins with idealized expectations that don't always align with reality. When life's responsibilities and disagreements take over, many face disappointment and start questioning their decisions.

Hopefully, this discussion broadened your horizons so you won't make the same mistakes. Learn from other people's missteps and prevent similar issues from happening to yourself.

Now they’re stuck wondering if “we should have waited” was the regret all along.

Want more marriage-era money tension? Read how she said, “he isn’t entitled to my family’s saving,” in this bank-balance relationship clash.