19-Year-Old Labeled As A Jerk By Her Mom When She Refused To Make Packed Lunches For Her Misogynistic Brother-In-Law
The young woman has been cooking her dad's meals for two years, but she doesn't want to do the same for her BIL.
Not getting along with at least one family member is nothing new. Everything may seem fine and dandy on the surface, but you definitely know you will not have an easy relationship with this person in the foreseeable future.
This young woman's brother-in-law was that person for her. The 19-year-old avoids her BIL as much as she can because, according to her, he is misogynistic, disrespectful, and doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.
OP says she is uncomfortable around her BIL because he used to make fun of her a lot. He also orders his wife, OP's sister, and OP's mom around by making them prepare his food, wash his clothes, and do all of the childcare.
Lately, OP has been forced to spend more time with her BIL because he is helping out with the construction work at her parents' house. Her dad and BIL usually leave for work at the same time in the morning.
OP has been preparing her dad's lunches for about two years now. She has been learning how to cook, and ever since then, she cooks most of their meals at home, including her dad's packed lunches.
OP made enchiladas that particular morning for her dad. She packed the enchiladas along with the sauces, a side salad, a bag of chips, and drinks to go along with it.
OP told her dad his lunch is in his car already, then OP's BIL asked OP where his packed meal was.
OP shrugged and said she left a container of food on the counter and that he was more than welcome to pack his own meal. He was visibly annoyed and asked OP why she didn't pack food for him.
OP replied that he's not her dad and left it at that. Her mom tried to mediate and told OP to start packing lunch for her BIL.
BIL smirked at OP when he heard that. In response, OP sat down and told him no because he could either pack his own lunch or just buy his food when he gets to work.
The mom said OP was embarrassing her, but OP's dad defended her. He told BIL to stop arguing and just pack his own lunch because OP already cooked for them.
Finally, the defeated BIL surrendered and just said he would buy lunch from outside. OP's mom was not ready to let the issue go, and when OP's dad defended her again, the mom tried to reason that it was unfair because OP packs his lunches for him.
OP's dad said he doesn't demand it, and besides, BIL is an adult. When he left for work, OP's mom called her an a**hole for not doing as she was told, then said OP was raised better than that.
Tiny-City-9550
Is OP wrong for not packing lunch for her BIL? You can read her original post below:
Tiny-City-9550
"He has no boundaries."
Tiny-City-9550
Navigating Family Dynamics
Family dynamics can often be complex, particularly when differing values and beliefs come into play. According to family systems theory, as posited by Dr. Murray Bowen, individuals within a family unit are interconnected, and their behaviors can significantly impact one another. This interconnectedness can lead to scenarios where one family member's actions, like the refusal to make packed lunches, can be interpreted as a personal affront by others, particularly when cultural or traditional expectations are at play.
In this case, the young woman’s refusal to cater to her brother-in-law’s demands may symbolize a broader rejection of misogynistic attitudes, highlighting her desire to assert her independence and values. Research suggests that individuals who articulate their boundaries clearly can improve their mental health and relational dynamics, as it fosters respect and understanding within family structures.
"I cook for all of us."
Tiny-City-9550
"I shrugged."
Tiny-City-9550
"He gave me a dirty look."
Tiny-City-9550
According to research published in the American Psychological Association, the perception of fairness in family responsibilities is crucial for healthy relationships. When one member feels that they are disproportionately carrying the burden of household tasks, it can lead to resentment and conflict. This is particularly relevant in the scenario described, where the 19-year-old feels obligated to cook for her father while simultaneously rejecting the notion of doing the same for her brother-in-law.
Psychologists emphasize the importance of equitable distribution of chores to maintain harmony in family relationships. Encouraging open discussions about roles and responsibilities can help mitigate feelings of resentment and promote a more collaborative family dynamic.
"My mom tried to berate me."
Tiny-City-9550
He is an adult man who has a job. He can pack his own meals.
Lurker_the_Pip
The dad definitely raised OP to be her own woman. We love that for her.
johnny9k
The Role of Assertiveness
Assertiveness is an essential skill that often gets overlooked in family relationships. Research by Dr. Randy J. Paterson indicates that assertiveness training can help individuals express their needs and set boundaries effectively without resorting to aggression or passivity. For the young woman in this article, her refusal to make lunches for her brother-in-law can be viewed as a necessary step toward asserting her own boundaries and values.
Studies show that individuals who practice assertiveness are more likely to experience greater self-esteem and less anxiety in interpersonal situations. Developing assertive communication skills could empower her to articulate her discomfort with her brother-in-law's misogynistic behavior, fostering a more respectful environment.
A whole lot of internalized misogyny she has to unlearn.
Psychological_Fish42
Simply said, it's do what you've been told because you don't want the big, strong men to be angry at you.
av227
A more detailed explanation of the "rock the boat" norm can be read below:
a_tyrannosaurus_rex
From a developmental psychology perspective, the relationships we have with family can profoundly influence our self-concept and identity. According to Dr. Carol Gilligan's research on gender differences in moral development, women often prioritize relational dynamics and the welfare of others in their decision-making. In this case, the young woman's conflict with her brother-in-law may stem from a desire to maintain her self-respect while balancing familial obligations.
This perspective highlights the importance of self-advocacy in promoting mental health, particularly for young women navigating patriarchal family dynamics. Encouraging her to engage in self-reflection and understand her unique values could help her navigate this conflict more effectively.
"Any woman that rocks the boat doesn't know her place." Rock the damn boat, OP; capsize the damn thing if you want.
a_tyrannosaurus_rex
Where is OP's sister in all of this?
LoveMyFuckingLife
They don't live in one house, and we can only guess if she packs him his meals.
Tiny-City-9550
Exploring Gender Dynamics
The situation described also brings to light the broader societal issues of gender roles and expectations. Research published in the journal Psychology of Women Quarterly suggests that women often face pressure to conform to traditional roles, particularly within familial contexts. This pressure can be especially pronounced in the presence of misogynistic attitudes, which may dictate that women should serve or cater to men's needs.
Understanding these societal dynamics can empower individuals, like the young woman in this article, to challenge these norms and assert their autonomy. Engaging with literature on gender studies and feminist psychology could provide her with valuable insights and strategies for confronting such outdated expectations.
Even with OP's sister, this devil of a man is useless.
Fast_Exercise_4716, Tiny-City-9550
If OP's mom was that adamant, she should pack him his meals. Make sure there's a change of nappies there as well.
BrickOnly2010
Apparently, mom waits on BIL when he's around, and she does this for the men of the house.
Tiny-City-9550
Therapeutic interventions can also play a significant role in helping individuals process complex family relationships. A clinical psychologist may utilize cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques to help the young woman identify and challenge any distorted beliefs related to her role in the family. For example, she might explore beliefs like 'I must always be accommodating' or 'Displeasing my family is wrong.'
Evidence shows that CBT can effectively reduce feelings of guilt and obligation, enabling individuals to make healthier choices in their relationships. By reframing these beliefs, she could feel more empowered to assert her boundaries without the weight of familial expectations.
It could be a cultural thing, as OP hinted above.
Avocadosareawesome
The picture is getting clearer, and mom has a lot of ingrained internalized misogyny to unlearn.
MexicanPete, Tiny-City-9550
Does OP's family owe this man a great debt? Is that why he has to be catered to?
BeneficialDark1662
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for psychological well-being, especially in family settings. According to Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, setting boundaries is a way of taking responsibility for our own lives. The refusal to prepare lunches for her brother-in-law can serve as an important boundary-setting action for the young woman, signaling that she will not support behaviors that undermine her values.
Research indicates that individuals who set clear boundaries tend to have better mental health outcomes, including reduced anxiety and stress. Therefore, it may be beneficial for her to engage in boundary-setting exercises or consult with a therapist who can guide her in reinforcing these important skills.
Apparently, they don't owe him anything, but OP's mom wants her to serve the men of the house the same way she does.
Tiny-City-9550
The disappointment towards the mom is so enormous, BIL can pack it as a hearty lunch.
MeowzyThrowaway
OP's dad sounds really cool, though.
Tiny-City-9550
Social support is another critical factor in managing familial conflicts. Studies have shown that having a supportive network can buffer against the negative effects of family stressors. For the young woman, seeking support from friends or other family members who share her values could provide her with the emotional backing she needs to navigate her relationship with her brother-in-law.
Peer support not only offers a sense of belonging but also encourages individuals to uphold their values in challenging situations. Engaging in conversations with those who understand her perspective can empower her to stand firm in her decisions without feeling isolated.
That would be an unwelcome relish for his sandwich.
whateveramoon
Exactly; they are enabling this jerk's behavior.
Trick-Sir-420
OP's gesture of packing lunch for her dad is sweet, and she does it out of love...
verucka-salt
Understanding Misogyny in Family Contexts
Understanding and addressing misogyny within family structures is pivotal for fostering healthier relationships. According to Dr. Michael Kimmel, a sociologist who specializes in men's studies, ingrained misogynistic attitudes can be perpetuated through family traditions and expectations. This can create a toxic environment that affects not only women but also men, who may feel pressured to conform to harmful stereotypes.
It’s essential for the young woman to recognize that her feelings of discomfort with her brother-in-law are valid and that challenging such attitudes can contribute to broader societal change. Engaging in dialogues about gender equality and fostering awareness within her family could serve as a catalyst for change in their collective attitudes toward gender roles.
... and there's a really heartwarming story behind it.
Tiny-City-9550
OP read all of the comments on her post, and her heart is full from the kind and supportive comments.
Tiny-City-9550
It's crystal clear that OP did absolutely nothing wrong in this story. She was doing a sweet gesture for her dad willingly because he loved her packed lunches right from the very start.
OP's brother-in-law is indeed an entitled and sexist a** who wanted the packed lunches just to show OP he could make her do what he wanted. Well, he learned that OP has a stronger spine than he does, and, vindicated, she can now enjoy her food with her own satisfied smirk.
Psychological Analysis
This situation highlights the critical role of boundaries in family dynamics. The young woman's refusal to cater to her brother-in-law’s demands isn't just about lunch—it's a powerful stand against his misogynistic behavior, reflecting her desire to assert her independence and challenge traditional gender roles. When individuals feel pressured to conform to outdated expectations, it can lead to resentment, but setting boundaries, like she did, can foster healthier relationships and improve mental well-being.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Recommendations
The interplay between family dynamics, gender roles, and personal boundaries is complex and multifaceted. Research underscores the importance of open communication, assertiveness, and setting healthy boundaries in family relationships. As highlighted in various studies, creating a supportive environment where individual values are respected can lead to better mental health outcomes and healthier familial interactions.
In summary, navigating challenging family dynamics often requires a nuanced understanding of both personal and cultural contexts. By fostering assertiveness and seeking supportive relationships, individuals can empower themselves to take charge of their familial roles, ultimately promoting healthier relationships and personal well-being.
