How Some Parents Responded To Their Child’s Coming Out

Coming out as LGBTQ+ is a big step involving understanding and accepting who you are and sharing that with others. For some, it’s a gradual process; for others, it may happen suddenly.

One of the most challenging parts can be telling parents or caregivers, as it often brings up fear and uncertainty about how they will react. How parents respond to their child’s coming out can make a huge difference.

A supportive reaction can be reassuring, but a negative one can lead to hurt and confusion. For example, one Reddit user asked for advice on how to respond when their child says, “I think I’m gay.”

Some parents might respond with understanding and love, while others might be shocked, upset, or angry. This mix of reactions makes coming out to parents feel unpredictable and, at times, overwhelming.

The fear of rejection is common, especially when people don’t know how their parents will react. Some parents may need time to understand and accept their child's identity, while others may struggle because of their beliefs or lack of exposure to LGBTQ+ issues.

Despite this, many stories show that, with time, parents can learn to accept their children for who they are, strengthening their bond. Coming out isn’t a one-time event—it’s an ongoing process.

It’s crucial that LGBTQ+ individuals feel supported and safe, regardless of how their parents respond at first. Ultimately, the best response from parents is love, patience, and openness to understanding. This helps build trust and creates a space for deeper connection.

A parent's reaction has the power to shape the path forward.

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"Lesbian here. When I came out to my dad he said “that’s ok honey, I don’t like guys either.”

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Pure, unconditional love.

"My stepdad, who I consider my dad, was the man that raised me, and he's a big redneck steel worker. I came out at 18 and he sat me down and said "son, I've loved you like you were my own for the past 14 years. Why the hell would I stop now?"Unsplash

The Importance of Parental Support

According to Dr. Michael Thompson, child psychologist, supportive parental reactions can significantly impact a child's mental health. In his work, he emphasizes that acceptance can lead to higher self-esteem and lower rates of anxiety and depression among LGBTQ+ youth.

Dr. Thompson notes that children who feel accepted by their families report feeling more secure in their identities. This underscores the critical role parents play in the coming-out process, as their reactions can either affirm or undermine their child's self-worth.

"Already knew that."

"One of my friends from high school was gay, and when he came out to his family his Dad literally didn’t look up from his newspaper & told him his sister didn’t need to tell him she was straight so why would he need to explain that he was gay? He’s known him his whole life and already knew that.It was cute because he was so worried."Unsplash

"I was going to have to tell you."

"In the 90s, when my girlfriend finally told her traditional Italian mom and grandma at 19, they sighed in unison and grandma said, 'oh thank baby Jesus, I was worried that I was going to have to tell you."Unsplash

"Best dad in the world."

"When I came out to my dad when I was 16 I thought he would disown me. He said: “Son, If anyone ever hurts you for that, I’ll f*****g kill them”. In that moment I realized that I had the best dad in the world."Pexels

A relationship expert highlights that communication is key during this vulnerable time. It’s essential for parents to create an open dialogue where their child feels safe expressing themselves.

Active listening without judgment can foster trust and understanding. Parents should ask questions to clarify their child's feelings and experiences, rather than jumping to conclusions. This approach not only nurtures a supportive environment but also strengthens the parent-child bond.

Granny was decades ahead of her time...

“I thought you were about to give me bad news! Don’t scare me like that!” - My granny when my uncle came out (in the ‘70’s!). She was decades ahead of her time…"Pexels

"No matter who you love, I still need you to take out the trash."

"I want you to know that no matter who you love, I still need you to take out the trash. It's full. And replace the f*****g liner this time."Pexels

"Yeah, I figured."

"I drunk-dialed my dad my freshman year of college in a sobbing mess and told him I was Bi. Went something like this:Me: I'm bi$exual.Dad: Yeah, I figured.Me: Huh? What?Dad: There were some obvious signs. Go to sleep idiot. You have class in the morning."Unsplash

Navigating Negative Reactions

Dr. Brené Brown, a vulnerability researcher, notes that negative parental reactions can lead to feelings of shame and isolation for the child. Her research shows that shame can be particularly damaging, as it often drives individuals to hide their true selves.

To mitigate these effects, she suggests that parents acknowledge their child's feelings, even if their initial reaction was not supportive. This can begin a healing process and allow for open discussions moving forward.

"It's okay, your mother likes guys too, maybe I am the weird one."

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"Your mother owes me £10."

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"Asian Dad: But are you a Doctor yet?"

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Family therapists recommend that parents educate themselves about LGBTQ+ issues to better understand their child's experiences. Resources like educational websites and community organizations can provide valuable information.

Additionally, attending workshops or support groups can help parents process their feelings and learn how to be more supportive. This proactive approach can ease tension and foster a healthier relationship as the family navigates this journey together.

"You can get STDs from girls too!"

"I was getting ready to go to a sleepover with a girl I was totally crushing on and my mom was like “you look like you’re getting ready for a date!”And I paused and was like “would it be okay if I was…. Going on a date with a girl?”My mom just said, “Of course just remember to practice safe s*x. You can get STDs from girls too!”Pexels

"I know... And I don't care."

"Well... My dad said "I know... And I don't care. As long as you are happy, I'm also happy for you." and then asked me if I wanted a beer or scotch to celebrate that I finally had the confidence to tell him."Unsplash

"I have a gay daughter and I love herrrrrr!"

"I came out a few months ago at the age of 42. My 80 year old dad stood up, started dancing, and tone deaf sing-yelling ‘I have a gay daughter and I love herrrrrr!’ It was adorable."Pexels

The Role of Peer Support

Research indicates that peer support is equally important in the coming-out process. Dr. Susan David, an emotional agility expert, explains that friends often provide a sense of belonging that can counteract negative family responses.

Peer validation can empower LGBTQ+ youth to embrace their identities, especially when familial support is lacking. Building a network of supportive friends can help buffer against feelings of rejection and isolation.

"Hi gay, I'm Dad."

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"It really wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it was."

"I’m Bi. When I came out to my parents, It wasn’t exactly planned.My older brother knew I was dating a girl and he accidentally let it slip in front of my mom. My mom looked at me, and asked if I had a girlfriend. I said yes, she then proceeded to ask when I’m bringing her over for dinner. It was the most normal conversation about dating I’ve ever had with my mom.I later found out my mom is also bi so it really wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it was at the time."Pexels

"Now maybe I'll get a son-in-law that I really like!"

"When I came out my dad had the best response ever: "Wow! Now maybe I'll get a son-in-law that I really like!" and then he hugged me."Unsplash

Psychologists suggest that families can benefit from therapy during the coming-out process. Engaging in family therapy allows for guided discussions, helping all members express their feelings in a structured environment.

A professional can mediate conversations, ensuring that everyone's perspective is heard. This can facilitate understanding and growth, allowing family dynamics to improve as they navigate the complexities of acceptance together.

"Hi probably gay, I’m definitely dad."

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“So? what the f**k you want me to do about it!?”

"So my aunt is kind of old school and doesn’t know how to address things. She is kind of in the middle between baby boomer and Gen X so she is a bit more tolerant, but she is still awkward. My aunt has 3 boys and they are all gay lol. The youngest one was like 9 or something when he told her and he goes “Mom, I think I’m gay” and she looks at him dead in the eyes and says “So? what the f**k you want me to do about it!?” LolShe’s fully supportive and tried to be nonchalant but her reaction was probably not what he was expecting."Unsplash

"I just told her I loved her."

"When my daughter told me she was gay, I just told her I loved her, and that none of that would change my feelings. Then I began giving her the heads up when hot ladies would walk by."Pexels

Long-Term Impacts of Acceptance

Dr. Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, emphasizes that acceptance can lead to long-term positive outcomes for LGBTQ+ individuals. Studies show that those who have supportive family environments report higher levels of happiness and fulfillment.

These individuals are more likely to pursue their goals and engage in their communities, highlighting the profound effect of familial support on personal development.

"I have known that since you were 10."

"This story does not involve a dad, but it involves a very religious grandma. One of my friends was very nervous about telling his grandma that he was gay, and put it off for a long time. But when he turned 18 he decided that he had to get this done. When he told her she just looked at him calmly answered "of course you are. I have known that since you were 10". At the age of 10 he didn't even know it himself yet."Pexels

"I think I should’ve been first."

"My mother was disappointed. Disappointed because, “You told your cousin Shirley before you told me? I think I should’ve been first.”Pexels

"That just means twice as many people that can turn you down for dates now."

"My daughter was looking extremely nervous one night while I was cooking dinner. I could see her talking quietly with her mom but she continued to look uneasy.After a bit of time, she came into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. She didn't want to tell me at first but I could tell she was uneasy so I said she could always tell me anything.She finally said that she was panse$ual. I just looked at her and said "that just means twice as many people that can turn you down for dates now" and she busted out laughing as I went back to cooking to finish dinner.She was apparently really nervous about telling me for some reason and was glad I wasn't upset."Unsplash

Parents are encouraged to reflect on their own biases and beliefs regarding LGBTQ+ identities. Acknowledging personal feelings can lead to more constructive conversations with their children.

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, a child development expert, suggests journaling or participating in discussions with trusted friends to process these feelings. This self-awareness can help parents respond more positively and effectively when their child comes out.

" I don't have to worry about you getting some girl pregnant!"

"Great ! Now I don't have to worry about you getting some girl pregnant !Am Dad. Said this !"Pexels

"You still have to wear a condom. You still have to wear a condom."

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"Love and acknowledgement and support."

"Our son came out to us a month ago. We already suspected, so it wasn't a shock.When he told me I thanked him for telling me, told him that I loved him, then explained that who he wants to tell next and how he wants to tell them is 100% his choice and we will support him however he wants and needs. He gave us a list of people to tell, and by the end of the week he wanted everyone to know.Love and acknowledgement and support."Unsplash

Creating a Safe Space

Experts recommend that parents actively create a safe and supportive home environment. This can include openly discussing LGBTQ+ topics, displaying supportive symbols like pride flags, and fostering an atmosphere of acceptance.

A supportive home can significantly reduce anxiety and fear for LGBTQ+ youth, making it easier for them to express their true selves. Such actions send a clear message that love and acceptance prevail over societal stigmas.

"Thanks for being brave enough to tell me, honey."

"My high school aged daughter told me this exact thing while in the car a couple of months ago. I told her "Thanks for being brave enough to tell me, honey. I don't care who you love, only that they love you back as much as I do and are worthy of the love you give them. Make sure they deserve your love and make you a better person, and I'll be happy."

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"I told her that I loved her completely and didn't care who she loved."

"When my daughter came out, I was a bit shocked, but I told her that I loved her completely and didn't care who she loved. It completely softened her demeanour in our relationship and she has been far more open with me ever since. I think in the months leading up to that she was terrified to tell me, which made her distant and cold. After telling me that, she has been back to normal. Just tell them how much you love them, and get back to business as usual."

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“So that’s why you don’t like mushrooms”.

“So that’s why you don’t like mushrooms”. At least that’s what my friends dad said to him when he came out. We still don’t know what he meant by that."

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Finally, maintaining ongoing communication is crucial. Parents should check in regularly with their child about their feelings and experiences. Simple questions like 'How are you feeling today?' can open the door for meaningful conversations.

Therapists recommend regularly revisiting the topic of identity, as this reinforces to the child that their experiences and feelings are valid and important. This ongoing dialogue strengthens the parent-child relationship and fosters trust.

He vowed his son would stand tall before standing out.

"My wife asked me this when we found out we were having a son.I told her I’d make sure he knew how to fight before he told anyone else.I love the boy no matter what, but we live in rural Montana. Of course folks are more accepting than they were in previous generations but you never know."Pexels

Coming out is a personal experience that looks different for everyone. While parents’ reactions can be hard to predict, their support is vital.

Whether they accept it right away or need time to understand, it’s essential that the person feels loved and safe.

With time, patience, and love, parents and children can work through it together, strengthening their bond and accepting each other for who they are.

In conclusion, the way parents respond to their child's coming out can have lasting effects on their mental health and self-acceptance. Experts like Dr. Brené Brown and Dr. Michael Thompson emphasize the importance of open communication and unconditional love during this vulnerable time.

By educating themselves and creating a supportive environment, parents can significantly influence their child's journey towards self-acceptance. Ultimately, fostering an atmosphere of love, understanding, and acceptance lays the groundwork for healthy familial relationships and supports the child's growth as an individual.