15 Life Lessons From TV's Ron Swanson, The Former Director of Pawnee, Indiana's Parks and Recreation Department

Ron Swanson never needed a long speech to make a point, and that is part of why Parks and Recreation still gets quoted so often. His blunt takes on work, government, fishing, and pretty much everything else turned him into one of TV's most memorable characters.

The show followed Leslie Knope, Ann Perkins, Ben Wyatt, April Ludgate, and Ron through the daily chaos of Pawnee's Parks and Recreation Department. Leslie believed in public service, Ron believed in doing as little of it as possible, and that clash made every scene sharper.

These are some of Ron's most memorable lines, and they still land years later. Read on.

We wanted to share Ron's teachings far and wide

Here is a consolidated list of Ron Swanson's words of wisdom. You may not need these lessons today, but there will come a time when Mr. Swanson's wise words could save your life or your wooden furniture:

1. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

2. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

3. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

4. “I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

5. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

6. “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

Ron keeps the bowling advice just as simple.

7. On bowling: “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”

Screenshot from YouTube / Swanson Pyramid of Greatness | Parks and Recreation

8. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

9. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

10. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

He also had a very specific approach to ex-wife effigies.

Also, this is like a secret-recipe standoff with a competitive cousin over a cooking contest.

11. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

Screenshot from YouTube / Comedy Bites

12. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

13. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

14. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

15. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”

NBC / Parks and Recreation

One thing you can't learn from Ron is how to be internet savvy. Although if you wanted to go off the grid completely, Mr. Swanson also has a guide for that.

Just remember, don't trust banks, fish is basically a vegetable, and do not half-ass two things; whole-ass one thing. Thank you, Ron, and we know you'll never read this.

Ron would probably hate the attention, which makes the whole thing even better.

If you’re ready for more internet chaos, check out the Chuck Norris meme comeback as the internet mourns his loss.