Doting Daughter Witnesses Her Grandma Treat Her Mom Like a Servant, Causes Family Drama When She Asks Her To Move Away From Nana's Reach

A 31-year-old is withstanding pressure from her relatives to rescue her 55-year-old mom, who is under the thumb of her 79-year-old abusive grandma. OP temporarily moved in with her mom while her house was under renovation.

OP knows how abusive her grandma has always been. She treats OP's mom as an indentured servant to do her bidding.

She dismissed the health issues that rendered OP's mom unable to work as nothing but laziness. Her grandma ignored how much pain her endless summons caused her daughter as long as the task was done rapidly.

This awful treatment was nothing new to OP. Her grandma viewed her mom as less than because she was an unmarried single mom of two children.

The apple of her eye was her son, Dan. OP's uncle distanced himself from her grandma years ago but sent her a monthly stipend of $60. OP's grandma had plenty of money and made OP's mom pay for whatever she wanted using her meager disability check and the allowance OP provided.

OP has been spoiled rotten by her mom since she got home. Her mom ensures she has snacks while she works from home and even braids her hair.

OP's fiancé was initially alarmed by the pampering but has fallen in love with the care OP's mom showers upon them.

Who wouldn't adore a mother-in-law who makes fresh lemonade whenever you visit?

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Planning for their future, OP's fiancé suggested that they bring her mom with them when they move into their new house next year.

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Exploring Family Hierarchies

This family drama illustrates the complexities of familial roles and hierarchies, particularly when it comes to caregiving. Dr. Murray Bowen's family systems theory explains how family members often adopt roles based on historical patterns of behavior.

In this case, the grandmother's treatment of her daughter as a servant may reflect longstanding dynamics that have gone unchallenged over time.

OP's mom was over the moon with their offer. She has been excitedly planning her daily routine and the recipes she intends to try. OP's fiancé also promised to match the allowance she gives her mom to thank her for her care.

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OP's uncle was unhappy with this development. He accused OP of being selfish and "sticking" him and his family with the responsibility of caring for her grandma. Relatives have been bombarding OP with messages asking how she could be so heartless to a sweet old lady. The backlash scared her mom, but OP refused to leave her with her grandma.

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Research indicates that such dynamics can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict, particularly when one member feels undervalued or exploited. The daughter's request to move away from her grandmother suggests a need for boundaries to protect her emotional well-being.

Dr. Judith Herman's work on trauma emphasizes the importance of establishing boundaries as a crucial step in healing from relational trauma.

It isn't selfish of OP to remove her mom from an environment that does nothing to improve her life.

Furry-Baracula769

If her uncle doesn't want to live with his mom, then he can find alternatives. OP and her mom have done enough. It's time for him to do his part as the golden child.

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The Impact of Unresolved Family Conflicts

Unresolved family conflicts can perpetuate cycles of dysfunction, as noted by psychologists studying intergenerational patterns of behavior. This suggests that the uncle's reluctance to take on caregiving responsibilities may stem from his own unresolved issues with family dynamics.

In fact, studies show that individuals often repeat family patterns unless they consciously work to change them.

As for her mom's health, OP wants to do all she can to help. This time, her grandma can't interfere with her mom's recovery.

OGAnnie, Fancy-Information552

OP should also encourage her mom to have hobbies outside of their home and family.

LettheWorldBurn1776

Creating a family dialogue can be an effective way to address these longstanding issues. Research shows that family therapy approaches that focus on communication can help individuals express their feelings and work towards resolution.

Engaging a neutral third party, like a therapist, can facilitate these discussions and help family members understand each other’s perspectives.

Mingling with people her age who share the same interests could be beneficial.

Afraid_Bill2667, Fancy-Information552

Is this an "out of the pan, straight to the fire" situation?

hcneyfreckles

The relatives who claimed OP's grandma is a sweet old lady should volunteer their time and home to care for her. Those insults against OP and her mom come so easily because they haven't been around her grandma long enough to be abused.

OP said she is willing to pay the stipend her uncle sends to her grandma if it means her mom's safety. OP and her mom are lucky to have each other.

OP said she and her fiancé discussed hiring weekly cleaners, but her mom objected to the suggestion.

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OP might need to help her mom realize that people love her for more than what she can do for them.

Artistic_Frosting693, Fancy-Information552

Nana is now her favorite child's problem. It's as the stars intended.

AnonymousBromosapien

Make sure they can't contact Mom to keep her peace of mind.

mahfrogs

Psychological Analysis

This family conflict highlights the difficulty many face in establishing healthy boundaries within familial relationships. It's crucial to recognize that the patterns we inherit can often shape our behaviors in ways that are not always healthy.

Encouraging open discussions about feelings and expectations can pave the way for more balanced interactions and ultimately foster healing.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Understanding the intricate web of family dynamics is essential in addressing conflicts like these.

Research supports the idea that open communication and boundaries can play a significant role in resolving family tensions and improving relational health.