AITA for Confronting Mom About Being a Mistress

Some relationships start with romance, others start with a quiet little lie that slowly turns into a full-time job. This one started after OP’s dad died, and instead of grief bringing peace, it brought a new “together” situation that made everyone’s stomach drop.

OP’s mom, in her early 60s, began seeing Bob through Facebook Dating while OP’s dad was still alive. Bob, from another country but with permanent residency in Canada, moved in after only six months, then his wife and three older children arrived too. The wife lives in the same place as their “family settling,” while Bob’s affection for OP’s mom basically vanished the moment he had his household set up. To top it off, they opened a store together in the local mall, and OP watches mom work evenings and weekends running it while Bob’s health issues keep him from contributing.

OP finally snapped and called her a “known mistress” being tolerated as a cash cow, and now they’re wondering if they crossed a line.

Original Post

Backstory: My dad has been dead for almost four years. There is a significant age difference (he was 18 years older), so she was a caregiver for the last five years.

She is now in her early 60s. She started “seeing” a man that she met through Facebook Dating while my dad was still alive.

Fast forward: She and let’s call him Bob are “together.”

Bob is from another country but has permanent residency in Canada. They dated for six months, and then he moved in with my mom.

He has significant health issues and has not been working; she has been the sole financial provider. He does not have a driver’s license, etc. He then brought his family over from another country, which included his wife and three older children.

My mom knew about this but claimed they had been separated for years and that there was nothing romantic. Bob brought his family here and moved out from my mom’s house into an apartment with his wife and children to help them “settle.”

He kept telling my mom it would only be a few months. It has now almost been a full year.

To complicate matters, they opened a store together in the local mall, selling wares from his home country.

I don’t believe it’s exceptionally profitable, and now my mom, who has a full-time job and should be retiring, is spending many evenings and weekends running the store while he is with his family. They all do multiple activities together, but he immediately stopped showing any affection toward my mom (which was minimal to begin with) as soon as his wife moved to Canada.

I basically said, in a baffled state, enough is enough; this isn’t a relationship. I told her she was nothing but a known mistress whom his wife is tolerant enough of to keep around as a cash cow. AITA?

Do I just let it go and allow her to live in this delusional state? I’m worried it’s going to have some serious financial, emotional, and mental consequences.

Emotional awareness plays a vital role in shaping adult relationships, especially when dealing with intricate family dynamics. In situations akin to the user's mother, where financial dependency intertwines with emotional vulnerability, individuals frequently overlook significant red flags that could signal deeper issues. This tendency to ignore warning signs often arises from a strong desire for companionship or an overwhelming fear of loneliness, which can cloud one’s judgment and inhibit necessary confrontations with loved ones.

It is imperative to recognize these emotional drivers, as they are key to fostering healthier family interactions. By encouraging open and honest conversations about feelings, motivations, and the intricate dynamics at play in relationships, families can cultivate a deeper understanding and awareness among their members. Such dialogues not only strengthen bonds but also empower individuals to address challenges more effectively, ultimately leading to more fulfilling connections.

Comment from u/Kirsan_Raccoony

Comment from u/[deleted]

Mom insisted she and Bob’s wife were “separated for years,” but OP could not square that story with Bob moving in and then bringing the whole family to Canada.</p>

Research indicates that financial exploitation often mirrors deeper emotional vulnerabilities in relationships. Individuals who find themselves in these precarious situations may struggle to identify unhealthy patterns, primarily because emotional manipulation can be subtle and insidious, often creeping in unnoticed.

Awareness of these tendencies can be the first critical step toward addressing them effectively. It is vital for those who suspect exploitation to educate themselves about the signs and consequences of such dynamics. Family members should approach discussions about financial and emotional exploitation with sensitivity and care, aiming to illuminate potential risks without alienating those involved. Open and honest communication can foster understanding and help individuals recognize when they might be in a harmful situation.

Comment from u/Hagranm

Comment from u/MaskedCrocheter

Emotional abuse creates complex feelings of loyalty and guilt, making it challenging for loved ones to confront those we care about. This internal conflict often leaves individuals feeling trapped, unsure of how to navigate their relationships while also wanting to support the person experiencing abuse. Breaking the cycle of enabling behavior requires immense courage and careful planning, as it can be daunting to address such sensitive topics with someone we deeply care about. This structured approach can help both parties feel more comfortable and understood. Using 'I' statements can help express concerns without sounding accusatory, which can lead to more open conversations about the situation at hand. By fostering an environment of trust and understanding, it becomes easier to address the complexities of emotional abuse and work toward healing.

Comment from u/Psychological-Wall-2

Comment from u/Internet-Dick-Joke

The store in the mall is where it really gets messy, because OP sees mom, who should be retiring, running the place while Bob is off living the “family” life.</p>

To address the situation proactively, families can implement a structured approach that spans various time frames.

Comment from u/One-Possibility1178

Comment from u/[deleted]

Techniques such as active listening play a crucial role in this process, helping to create an environment where individuals feel safe and comfortable to express their thoughts and concerns without fear of judgment. Active listening involves not just hearing the words spoken but fully concentrating, understanding, responding thoughtfully, and then remembering what the other person has said.

By implementing this approach, individuals can foster more productive and meaningful discussions. For instance, it allows the user to communicate their worries about their mother's relationship with Bob in a way that minimizes the likelihood of creating defensiveness. Such an atmosphere of openness can pave the way for deeper understanding and resolution, ultimately strengthening relationships and facilitating healthier interactions.

This also echoes the friend group blowup after OP called out desperate flirting.

Comment from u/[deleted]

Comment from u/New_Seesaw_2373

Once Bob’s wife arrived, OP says he stopped showing even the minimal affection mom had been getting, which made OP’s “this isn’t a relationship” claim feel even more true.</p>

Strategies for Confrontation

To foster healthier communication and relationships moving forward, it's essential to create a safe space for dialogue.

Comment from u/TapSoft7074

Comment from u/Ok-Walrus4627

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

Comment from u/opelan

Comment from u/TheDarkHelmet1985

Comment from u/jetteloinstlaurent

Comment from u/SuspiciousWeekend284

Comment from u/DFWPunk

Comment from u/SnowflakesBeware

Comment from u/SunMoonTruth

Comment from u/Alarmed-Theme5343

After almost a year of “just a few months” turning into permanent apartment life for Bob’s wife and kids, OP confronted mom about being treated like a tolerated side situation.</p>

The situation presented in the Reddit post underscores the deep emotional and financial manipulation often found in complex family dynamics. The user's mother, who began her relationship with Bob during her late husband's illness, raises questions about loyalty and the ethics of such relationships. It is crucial for individuals caught in similar circumstances to recognize these patterns as a vital step towards healing and regaining emotional independence.

If Bob’s wife can tolerate mom as a cash cow, OP is wondering why mom can’t tolerate the truth.

Want workplace drama too, check out the HR-fueled aftermath of an awkward, suggestive work dinner joke.