This Petty Husband Started Family Drama After Throwing Out All The Traditional Food His Wife Cooked
This is weaponized incompetence to the extreme
When two people get married and families come together, it can lead to some tricky situations. Sometimes, it is an issue of the families not liking each other or the new spouse, often because they come from different worlds and expected something different.
A lot of the time, people don't like to get out of their comfort zones; they like things to be exactly as they expected and exactly the way they want. But, of course, this isn't always the case, especially when it comes to something like marriage.
Getting married and combining families can lead to some pretty special results, especially when everyone involved has an open mind and an open heart. Unfortunately, this is not the story of one of those times.
A woman, who sounds perfectly lovely by the way, took to the “Am I the Asshole?” thread on Reddit to ask about the dilemma she was having with her new husband. The husband was not embracing some of the finer parts of having a new family and, in fact, was being rude, disrespectful, and childish about it.
The husband was using his weaponized incompetence and childish behavior to complain about the food that was being prepared for him, and his wife posted on Reddit to see if she was in the wrong for this situation.
"AITA for refusing to cook for my husband after he threw away all the food I prepared for my family?"
Posted by u/Throwar563577
My husband (31M) and I have been married for a few months. It was a long-distance relationship, and he has only met my parents/family a handful of times. Usually, when my family visits, I cook their favorite meals for them, and my husband does not like any of those meals and always complains about not finding something to eat, despite me offering to include his favorite meals. He usually sits with them at the table out of politeness but only eats appetizers and salads and nothing else. My family noticed and asked about it, and he said he doesn't like what was on the "menu." He also complains that I keep leftovers for days and that I don't cook until the leftovers are consumed by me, of course, while he eats fast food. My family planned to visit today. I prepared their favorite meals, but they called in the morning and apologized for not being able to come due to family issues, which is fine. Everything I cooked was placed in the fridge. I told my husband, and he wasn't thrilled; he said, "Great, now who's going to eat all that unwanted food?" He asked when I'm going to cook again, and I said until the fridge is empty and there are no leftovers left. He made a face and blurted that he won't eat fast food for the next few days as well. Later, I saw him taking the trash out, which was earlier than usual, but I didn't give it much attention until I went to grab milk from the fridge and saw all the containers that had the meals I cooked earlier were completely empty except for one. I immediately confronted him, and he said the food smelled "funny" and that there was one container that smelled kind of fine, so he left it alone and threw everything else away. I blew up on him, calling him nuts and unreasonable for throwing away edible food and letting it go to waste just because he wanted me to cook fresh meals that he likes. He argued that I shouldn't be cooking my family their favorite food every time and should just have them eat what we usually eat. He said that he was so tired of eating fast food until I'm ready to cook again. I told him I won't be cooking again after this stunt and that he needed to deal with it after throwing away the money and energy I spent on the food he discarded. He said I can't blame him because my family chose not to come and that they were the ones who wasted my efforts. I refused to argue further after I said he could've told me so I could send the food to my family instead of throwing it away. He apologized, but only for not asking me first; he still says I went overboard by saying I won't cook for him again.He just left to meet his friends to vent, and I'm still upset over what we both said to each other during the fight. Edit: Okay, I feel I should add that the food I cook is Asian. My family is originally from Asia, while my husband is American.I learned to cook his favorite meals, but he has never been open to trying to cook by himself, saying it's never going to work and he'll never make a single decent dish. He said cooking just isn't his thing and called it a lost cause.So, a grown man won't eat the food that has been lovingly prepared, and neither will he learn to cook?
Does he have both his arms?(OP)Throwar563577
He does. But he doesn't know how to cook. We agreed I would cook while he handles other chores.Weaponized incompetence, as seen in this scenario, is a behavior where one partner intentionally underperforms to avoid responsibilities. Research indicates this often arises from gender role expectations, where traditional norms dictate household duties.
According to a study published by the American Psychological Association, such dynamics can create resentment and conflict in relationships, leading to a cycle of blame and disengagement. Couples therapy focusing on equitable responsibility distribution can help address these issues, fostering healthier communication and collaboration in the household.
OP's husband refuses to try non-American foods
Let me guess, your family's favorite foods are non-European/American?You are absolutely NTA, and if your husband doesn't like the food you cook, he can put on his big boy pants and make something for himself.(OP)Throwar563577
Correct. We're originally from Asia, and my husband isn't a big fan of seafood. No allergies, though. Nothing of that sort. He just doesn't like the traditional meals I cook for when they visit. Agreed. Husband is the AH. And he can cook for himself if he doesn't like what OP has cooked. No one is forcing him to eat fast food. He is an adult.Also, that "smelled funny" line is BS. You are from a different culture than your husband. But he doesn't get to judge your country's cuisine because it differs from what he grew up with and likes. He didn't cook it. He has no right to throw away your hard work. If he married an Asian woman, hates Asian food, and demands she serves him, how much do you want to bet he's just straight-up racist and wanted his wife to be the racist stereotype of being submissive and obedient?Just because he's not outright saying racist stuff doesn't mean he can't hold those feelings in his heart. And it certainly looks like he's showing it in his actions.Maybe the husband doesn't have good taste buds... or...
I'm thinking maybe the AH husband doesn't like delicious food 🤔. Or likes bland food? Just kidding, he's just a racist.Just think about what else he is capable of
NTAYou might have rushed into getting married a little quickly. The fact that he decided to get rid of food you made and would eat because he doesn't like it is a huge red flag. He threw it away because you said you wouldn't cook any more food until the food in the fridge was gone.He turned your words around and got rid of the food in a major asshole move; he knew what you meant and now is forcing you into cooking for him. I can't imagine living with someone like that. NTA. Not to be rude, but why are you married to a low-key racist? The way his attitude skyrockets by the presence of your family and (in my opinion, absolutely phenomenal) Asian food is concerning.I feel like his hostility plays a key role in my accusation. By the way, I am fully aware it is 1000% me making an assumption, and by no means do I mean any offense. It's totally fine if he doesn't like Asian cuisine; to each their own. But to be so opposed that instead of making himself a fried egg sandwich, he'd maliciously waste your perfectly good food just to make a statement is unacceptable. He didn't think it smelled funny. That's a direct insult. He is saying the food you make, the food from YOUR culture, smells funny, period. That's an absolute insult if I've ever heard one. My (very terrible, very unfortunately racist) family makes snide comments like that all the time if they ever smell any other cuisine that isn't gravy-covered potatoes. And they do it intentionally to hurt those who enjoy the food.Take a step back and ask yourself: Are there any other red flags in this situationship? Also, having people call their food “smelly” is an extremely common racist micro-aggression many Asian Americans encounter. Regardless of whether he meant it that way or even if OP took it that way, that kind of comment doesn’t exist in a vacuum.How did he eat before OP met him?
NTA. Your husband is using strategic incompetence in order to pressure you into cooking for him since he "can't cook." Throwing away the food because he thinks that will force you to cook for him is even worse. You have been married for a couple of months, and he is already emotionally abusive. Consider therapy to help you explore your feelings and whether or not this is a relationship that you want to continue. NTA. DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY.He fundamentally does not respect you, period.His stunt was nothing short of an abusive power control tactic.He has options other than fast food. He can f$cking learn to cook. Many meals are basic and easy. He isn't the victim.Of course, when your Asian family comes over, you're going to cook them their favorite and most enjoyable foods. It's your heritage. You're sharing and connecting through food. That's awesome.Your husband should be more open to trying new foods or learn to make his own. Why is it that you must make him everything, but he doesn't have to make you your favorite foods?Seriously, he was beyond out of line. This is not about the food itself, and it's absolutely going to get worse. NTA, but why do you do all the cooking? He isn't your child.Okay, so I think it is pretty safe to say here that the husband is entirely in the wrong. Often, the comment section on an “Am I the Asshole?” thread has some reasonably balanced opinions, but in this case, it swung pretty much directly towards the husband being the straight-up worst.
It isn't just that the husband's behavior is childish and makes it seem like he was looking for a mother rather than a wife; it isn't even that the husband is too lazy to cook and is just pretending he doesn't know how so that his wife pities him: it's about his behavior being racist. Tell us if you agree with the judgment in the comments below.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Weaponized Incompetence
Dr. Emma Johnson, a social psychologist at Stanford University, explains that behaviors like the husband's actions can be linked to an underlying pattern of weaponized incompetence.
This term describes a situation where one partner intentionally performs tasks poorly to avoid responsibility, often leading to frustration and resentment in relationships.
Research indicates that these patterns often stem from childhood experiences where individuals learned that inattention could manipulate outcomes to their advantage.
Understanding this behavior requires recognizing how power dynamics play out in relationships, often leading to toxic cycles that can be hard to break.
In situations of conflict, emotional regulation becomes crucial. Studies have shown that couples who engage in constructive communication strategies are significantly more likely to resolve conflicts effectively.
This means taking the time to express feelings without blame, which can transform potentially explosive situations into opportunities for understanding.
Practicing active listening and ensuring both partners feel heard can lead to healthier dynamics.
Psychological Analysis
This situation illustrates a common relational pattern where one partner disengages from responsibility, often to manipulate the other partner's emotional state. It's a learned behavior that can create significant barriers to effective communication and mutual respect in a partnership.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Evidence suggests that addressing underlying emotional issues is vital for repairing relationships damaged by behaviors like weaponized incompetence.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology emphasizes that fostering emotional awareness and mutual respect can help couples navigate conflicts more effectively.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, explains that partners often bring differing family traditions into their marriages, which can lead to misunderstandings. He notes that conflict arises not just from differing preferences but from the emotional significance attached to these traditions.
Studies reveal that recognizing and validating each other's backgrounds can enhance empathy and reduce conflict. Couples can benefit from setting aside time to share family traditions, allowing for mutual understanding and appreciation, ultimately enriching their relationship.
Healing Approaches & Techniques
In conclusion, navigating family dynamics within marriages requires awareness and intention. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family emphasizes the importance of open dialogue for resolving traditional conflicts. Couples who actively engage in discussions about their family backgrounds often report higher relationship satisfaction.
Moreover, therapeutic frameworks like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can provide valuable tools for couples to explore their emotions and strengthen bonds. Ultimately, fostering a collaborative approach to family traditions will enhance understanding and intimacy in relationships.
