AITA for not disclosing my bisexuality to my girlfriend?

Some people think honesty is as simple as saying the exact words out loud. This Reddit post proves that is not always how it works, especially when the “truth” is hiding in plain sight.

The situation starts with a fairly normal conversation, OP showing his girlfriend pictures of him and his friends from when he was 16 and 17. She spots something that makes her pause, him sitting in his friend’s lap, and realizes that his friend is his ex. Then she goes one step further, because OP’s girlfriend assumes the real issue is not the ex at all, it’s that he likes guys, and she’s upset he never explicitly said he was bisexual.

What makes it messy is that OP feels like she already had plenty of clues, while she insists the missing label still counts as being lied to.

Original Post

Okay, this is ridiculous, but she has explicitly asked me to ask the internet because she’s convinced she’s in the right. So, my girlfriend (24F) and I (21M) were talking about school and our childhoods a few days ago—I originally lived in England, but she’s always been a Scotland girl, so we were comparing.

I was showing her pictures of me and my mates from when we were 16/17, and she noticed that my friend and I seemed a little close in some of the pictures; she even noticed that I was sitting in his lap in one of them. So, she asked me, and I just flat out told her, ‘that’s my ex,’ because it didn’t seem like a big deal to me; it still doesn’t.

She got a bit annoyed then and asked me why I hadn’t told her about this before. I assume the ‘this’ she was talking about was my ex, and I said that I hadn’t really thought about him in a while because we were teenagers and I’ve moved away since then.

She got more annoyed then and said, ‘not that, I mean that you like guys.’

I got kind of confused then because it’s not something I hid from her. She’s right; I’ve never explicitly told her that I’m bi, but I have pins of the flag on several bags, we thirst over male celebrities together—hell, the night we met, I was flirting with her male friend at a pub (this was lighthearted and before we were dating, obviously).

So anyway, I apologized for not telling her and asked what the big deal was. She’s not homophobic by any means, and I didn’t understand why she was getting so angry. I told her as such, and she stared at me blankly, appalled, as if I should know.

She said she didn’t like being lied to—which I didn’t; she never asked, and it never came up! But okay, I get why she was upset about that; it could be seen as hurtful, and she’s sensitive; we both are, so I understood and apologized.

She then said that she couldn’t believe I had ever been with a guy and that it was weird. I asked her why it was weird, saying that I’ve seen pictures of her with her exes and that I was okay with it, and she said the ex thing didn’t bother her; it’s that my ex was a guy.

This baffles me more because, again, she’s not homophobic; at least, I didn’t think she was. She asked if I ever thought I was just gay and not bi, and I said no, stating that I liked girls before I ever knew I liked guys.

She told me she didn’t really believe in bisexuality, saying that it ‘wasn’t a good look for the community’ or something along those lines. I said, well, I am one, so here’s the proof.

The argument basically went round in circles at that point until we went to bed. We haven’t really spoken properly since.

Whenever I try, she interrupts me and tells me that she ‘can’t believe I was gay before her and lied about it,’ which, again, I’m not gay; I’m bi. I like girls—I like her! It’s so frustrating to me because she won’t even hear me out and just tells me she feels betrayed that I lied to her, and she thinks I’m just dating her because I don’t want to ‘fully commit to being gay.’

She hasn’t broken up with me as of yet, but I feel like she’s going to if we keep arguing like this, and she won’t let me get a word in. So, AITA??? First of all, those people who think I’m going to give my girlfriend an STD or are convinced I have AIDS or whatever, f**k off.

Genuinely. I’m sorry I don’t like being mean to people, even over the internet, but far too many of you seem to have this thought.

First of all, my girlfriend insisted we both take STI tests before we did anything because she got one from a previous partner and doesn’t want that to happen again. Second of all, all of you convinced that I slept around with men and contracted some deadly virus, I have never had traditional sex with a guy.

The only guy I’ve ever been with was my first relationship with the aforementioned ex, and my only other relationship has been with the woman who took my virginity, which only lasted a month. So stop.

Now to clarify some important things. Yes.

I know I should’ve mentioned I was bisexual to her once we started dating, but truthfully, it didn’t even occur to me to. I’m a little air-headed and thoughtless—I’m not very good at communicating with people in general and can be quite thoughtless and annoying.

Most of my friends back home are queer, and a lot of hers are too, from what they all said when I met them for the first time. I’ve also been told that you can tell I’m bisexual by a lot of people, including my own parents.

So with all that, it completely didn’t occur to me to tell her. I do know, though, that that isn’t really an excuse and that I should’ve told her immediately in the pursuit of transparency.

I am working on my communication skills and knowing when to be more mindful and mention things even if they don’t seem important to me. I wasn’t trying to hide it, and I wasn’t trying to make her guess by leaving little hints here and there; I thought it was obvious, so I didn’t mention it.

Clearly, it wasn’t, and I need to be more mindful. I would never lie to her on purpose to be malicious; you don’t do that to people you love. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost six months.

The reason this didn’t come up in the beginning of our relationship is that it was quite a whirlwind. As in, we met in December, and four days later, she began a week stay at my flat, so we moved quite fast.

My girlfriend attends university close by and has a job, so we maybe get to see each other over the weekend or maybe a Friday night, but that’s about it. I like making the most of my time with her, so we don’t talk about ‘serious’ stuff all that much.

I love and adore her so much that it physically hurts when I don’t get to see her for over a week. I’m not interested in being with anyone else sexually at all because I’m not in love with anyone other than her.

The majority of these comments are calling her homophobic/biphobic, and, well, I don’t really know what to think about that right now. I need to talk to her properly.

She’s a very emotional person, which is something I absolutely adore about her, but it does mean when she’s angry, she lashes out. I need to talk to her about it all, and I need to talk to her friends.

I’m not throwing this away if she was just lashing out or being ignorant. She’s not an unreasonable person.

She only knows about my most recent ex because she was asking about a scar on my forehead, and I told her the story, which included her. Yes, she does love me and doesn’t care about my sex drive or lack thereof.

She’s not manipulative or gaslighting me; she just lets me know when I’ve done things wrong, which I like because no one else ever tells me when I’ve done things wrong. I’m bisexual.

I’m not gay. She’s not a beard.

I like guys. I like girls.

I love her. If I missed anything, it’s because it’s 3 AM and I’m tired.

If you want further clarification, comment, and I’ll try to answer. Edit 2: I posted an update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6MbxmLKCOy (It’s quite long, so be prepared)

Thank you, everyone, again :)

The Complexity of Identity in Relationships

Identity disclosure can significantly impact relationship dynamics.

In this case, the OP's decision not to disclose their bisexuality may stem from fears of rejection and misunderstanding.

Research indicates that individuals often grapple with the fear of how their identity will be perceived by their partners.

Comment from u/Sweetjennieex

Comment from u/MimiLaMarais

That’s when OP starts pointing out the “obvious” signs, the bisexual flag pins on his bags and the fact they even flirted with male celebrities together before they were dating.

Studies show that non-disclosure in relationships can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, particularly when partners may feel misled.

In this scenario, the OP's girlfriend's questioning of motives may reflect her own insecurities rather than the OP's intentions.

Understanding these dynamics can help both partners navigate their emotions more effectively.

Comment from u/bored_time-traveler

Comment from u/ZucchiniSad2691

In this case, the OP may benefit from exploring the reasons for their non-disclosure and the potential impact on their relationship.

Addressing these feelings openly can facilitate a deeper connection between partners.

Comment from u/Full_Pace7666

Comment from u/wheres-my-swingline

After she gets appalled that he’s been with a guy, OP pushes back, asking why it’s “weird,” especially since she has shown him pictures of her own exes.

A practical approach might involve initiating a conversation about identity in a safe and supportive environment.

Encouraging open dialogue about fears and expectations can help both partners feel validated and understood.

Additionally, exploring resources such as couples therapy can provide a structured space for these discussions.

Comment from u/Oneill_SFA

Comment from u/saltyeyed

Acceptance of diverse identities is crucial for relationship health.

This is a lot like the OP who asked their brother’s partner to move out over privacy.

Comment from u/Mysterious-Type-9096

Comment from u/Turbulent_Guest402

Then the argument shifts from the ex in the photo to the bigger betrayal in her eyes, her saying she “doesn’t like being lied to” and OP insisting she never asked.

It's also essential for partners to prioritize emotional safety by creating spaces where both can express their feelings without judgment.

Recognizing the importance of vulnerability in relationships can lead to significant emotional growth and intimacy.

Ultimately, focusing on mutual understanding can strengthen the relationship.

Comment from u/Unique_Midnight_6924

Comment from u/lithiumrev

What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

Comment from u/jrm1102

Comment from u/YeetusMaximus1337

Comment from u/Adelucas

Comment from u/Chemical_Success1153

Comment from u/Ok-Estimate-7267

Comment from u/ILuvPretzelz

Comment from u/Simple_Technician946

By the time she’s staring at him like he should know better, it’s clear this is not just about a conversation from a few days ago, it’s about what counts as disclosure in their relationship.

The situation presented in the article highlights the complexities of identity disclosure within romantic relationships.

Now OP is stuck wondering if he did something wrong, or if his girlfriend just decided the missing word was the real problem.

If you thought couples’ trust issues were intense, read how one OP demanded their parents pay rent after a long stay.