AITA for not letting my older daughter live with me to save on college fees?

Some people think college is just tuition and dorms, but this dad’s situation is way more cramped, emotional, and complicated than that. He’s 47, living in a small apartment with his wife Jane, and he’s trying to make room for his 18-year-old daughter’s big plan.

His older daughter Tina is already set, her mom and scholarships covering most of the private college costs near her mom’s house. Then Lisa calls up, wants to live with her dad and Jane for her last year of high school so she can get cheaper in-state college fees, and the timing is tight because this two-bedroom space is already struggling: Jane works from the living room in a comfy chair due to a bad back, and they have two pets.

Now Lisa is enrolled somewhere far away, and he’s stuck wondering if he just messed up his relationship with his kid for the sake of saving money. Here’s the full story.

Original Post

I'm a 47-year-old man. I have two girls, Tina (22) and Lisa (18).

Their mom and I split up, and we live in different cities.

Tina studies at a private college near her mom's house. Her mom and scholarships cover most of the costs.

Last year, Lisa found a college she loves. It's close to my house.

She called me and expressed her desire to live with me and my wife, Jane, for her last year of high school.

This would help her get cheaper in-state college fees. Jane and I live in a small two-bedroom apartment.

One room is Jane's office, but Jane has a bad back.

So, she often works from a comfy chair in our living room. We also have two pets.

I told Lisa I'd talk to Jane about her idea and get back to her. About a week later, Lisa called me.

She wanted to know if we had made a decision. I told her we didn't have enough room.

We also felt she would miss her mom too much. Now, Lisa has chosen a college.

It's far away from both me and her mom. I'm worried about her being so far away.

Am I the bad guy here?

Parental support, both emotional and financial, is crucial during a student's college experience. This research highlights the importance of having a reliable support system, as it can significantly influence a student’s overall well-being and success in their studies.

However, this support is not just about finances; emotional support plays a significant role in a student's ability to cope with the stresses of college life. Parents who provide encouragement, guidance, and understanding help their children navigate the challenges they face. The father's decision to deny Lisa’s request for living arrangements may inadvertently affect her emotional stability and sense of security.

Without close parental support, students can feel isolated, which can lead to increased anxiety and decreased academic performance. This lack of connection may hinder their ability to engage fully in the college experience, making it essential for parents to remain involved and supportive, regardless of financial contributions.

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Additionally, the father's choice could strain his relationship with Lisa in profound ways.

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The geographical distance introduced by Lisa's college choice can complicate their relationship further than either of them might have anticipated. Research by Jiang and Hancock (2013) indicates that physical distance often leads to diminished emotional closeness among family members, which can be particularly challenging during significant life transitions. This emotional strain can be intensified if not addressed proactively, leading to feelings of isolation or disconnect.

Frequent visits or consistent communication can mitigate this effect, but it requires concerted effort from both the father and daughter to maintain a connection despite the miles. They could explore various methods to stay in touch, such as scheduling regular video calls or planning visits during breaks, which could help foster a sense of closeness even from afar. By prioritizing their relationship, they can create shared experiences that bridge the gap created by distance.

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It's also important to acknowledge the father's valid concerns regarding space and Lisa's relationship with her mother. When a child transitions to a new phase in life, such as going to college, the emotional landscape can shift significantly, leading to potential feelings of division and conflict.

The father’s apprehension about Lisa possibly feeling torn between two homes is a legitimate concern that many families face during such transitions. Open discussions about feelings can foster understanding and support, which can ultimately lead to a more nurturing environment for her college journey. By addressing these issues collaboratively, they can foster a stronger bond and ensure that Lisa feels secure and confident as she embarks on this new chapter.

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When Lisa asks a week later what’s happening, dad tells her they can’t do it, and he also throws in the part that she’ll miss her mom too much, which is where the tension really starts to simmer.

The father's decision could also reflect on his self-perception as a parent, which plays a crucial role in his emotional well-being. This means that if Lisa struggles at college, the father might start questioning his choices and parenting methods, leading to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, or even self-doubt.

Such emotions can be overwhelming, but it’s important for him to remember that parenting is a complex journey filled with ups and downs. Encouraging self-reflection and seeking peer support can help him navigate these feelings more effectively. Engaging with other parents can provide valuable perspectives, fostering a supportive environment that allows him to maintain a constructive relationship with his daughter, even during challenging times.

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It's essential to consider societal norms that often dictate parental responsibilities and expectations. Many cultures around the world uphold the belief that parents should provide unwavering support during their children's educational journeys. This pressure can create significant stress and lead to feelings of inadequacy if a parent feels they cannot meet these expectations, potentially impacting their mental health and overall well-being.

Moreover, the weight of these societal expectations can sometimes result in a sense of isolation, as parents may feel they are alone in their struggles. Engaging with peers or support groups can provide valuable insight into similar experiences, helping to alleviate these feelings of isolation. By sharing their stories and coping strategies, parents can foster a supportive community that enhances their ability to navigate the challenges of parenting and education.

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The twist is that Lisa still has a plan, she just picks a college far from both parents, and dad’s worry about her being so far away shows up after the decision is already made.

To prepare for future interactions, the father should take actionable steps to improve communication with Lisa. Immediate actions might include scheduling a weekly check-in call, allowing them to touch base regularly and share updates about their lives. In the short term (1–2 weeks), he could send care packages filled with thoughtful items or encouraging messages to show his unwavering support and love, which can significantly uplift her spirits during challenging times.

In the longer term (1–3 months), they should plan visits that not only provide opportunities for face-to-face conversations but also help strengthen their bond through shared experiences. By proactively addressing their relationship in this way, the father can create a nurturing and supportive environment that fosters resilience and emotional connection, regardless of physical distance. This commitment to open communication will ultimately benefit both, enhancing their relationship and ensuring that Lisa feels valued and understood.

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How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

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So now the question lands hard, with Tina getting help near her mom and Lisa stuck far away from the dad who said no, and he’s asking if he’s the bad guy.

The father's predicament raises significant issues about the dynamics of family relationships, particularly in moments of transition like preparing for college. His decision not to allow his daughter Lisa to live with him, aimed at alleviating financial burdens, illustrates the complex trade-offs parents face. While his intentions may stem from a desire to instill independence in his daughters, the emotional ramifications cannot be overlooked. This situation highlights the necessity for transparent communication within families. It serves as a reminder that decisions impacting educational pathways should be navigated with a keen awareness of their potential effects on familial bonds.

He might not have had space, but he still risked losing trust.

Before you decide, read why one girlfriend accused her ex of “reminiscing” over saved souvenirs in this AITA about keeping photos and fridge magnets.