AITA for Refusing Husband's Mother's Help After Surgery?

In a recent Reddit post, a woman (29F) shared her frustration with her husband (30M) and mother-in-law regarding her recovery after surgery. The husband's mom, who lives on the West Coast, planned a visit to the East Coast, where the couple now resides.

The woman expressed concerns about her husband always taking time off to entertain his mother during her visits, even sacrificing their own vacation time. Despite the woman's new doctor recommending surgery for her well-being, the mother-in-law insisted on visiting to help with household chores during her recovery.

The situation escalated when the woman had to stay an extra night at the hospital, and her husband failed to visit or answer her calls promptly. Feeling abandoned, she left for her sister's house, leaving the messy home behind.

The husband's lack of support and prioritization of his mother's visit over her recovery led the woman to question the future of their relationship. Reddit users overwhelmingly supported the woman, criticizing the husband's behavior and suggesting she consult a divorce lawyer.

The thread is flooded with comments empathizing with the woman's predicament and advising her on the best course of action.

Original Post

I (29F) am really disappointed with my husband (30M) and furious at his mother (hag-aged F). Sorry this is so long.

This is a throwaway for privacy. For context, my husband is from the West Coast, where his mother still lives.

He moved to the East Coast for college, and that's where we met (after graduation). In the early stages of our relationship, she would visit 3-4 times a year and make him take PTO so he could entertain her throughout her visit.

After two years of this (while we were still dating), I asked him how we were ever meant to go on a vacation together if his PTO was spent at home with his visiting mother. We agreed to save PTO for a trip to Europe we took in 2023, and he agreed to tell his mother he couldn't take off from work every time she visited.

In my last job, I was able to work from home four days a week, and every time she visited, she sulked all day like a puppy whose toys had been taken away. But once my husband came home, a switch flipped, and she was happy (and clingy) again.

So here's the issue now:

My husband and I moved states about six months ago, closer to my family. I have a new doctor who recommended me for a surgery that my old doctor kept putting off.

It's not a complicated procedure, and it will greatly increase my quality of life for decades. My mother-in-law decided she's due for a visit and wants to explore our new town, and she'd come "to help around the house while [OP] recovers." I'm going to be out of surgery and in pain, and I really don't want to deal with her energy.

However, we agreed, with my husband saying this isn't a sightseeing visit; she's here to help out (cook, clean, do laundry, etc.) so I can rest and recover. She can come for a proper visit later in the year.

My husband dropped me off at the hospital on Wednesday. It was meant to be surgery, then one overnight stay at the hospital for observations.

On Thursday, the doctor told me my labs were not where he'd like them to be, and I should stay another night for observation and new lab work in the morning. I called my husband and told him that I'd hopefully be home the next day over the phone early in the afternoon.

He did not visit on Thursday at all. On Friday, I was discharged and called my husband to tell him that I'd be ready in about an hour.

It went straight to voicemail, and I figured he was probably in a meeting, so I would try again in a little bit. After calling a few times over the course of more than an hour, I called my sister, who was lucky enough to be excused from work for the afternoon (many thanks to her understanding boss).

She drove 90 minutes to get me and took me home, and the house was in shambles. Laundry baskets were on the dining room table, the litter box had not been cleaned since Wednesday morning, and there were days of dirty plates in the sink, etc.

I just broke down crying. She packed me a bag and took me to her apartment to recover for two weeks.

On Friday night, my husband called me asking where I was and that the hospital said I was already discharged. He had been on a hike with his mother, and there was no cell phone service, so he missed my calls, which also meant he took PTO for his mom's visit again.

Obviously, I can't ban him from taking PTO, but wouldn't you rather spend that freed-up time with your wife at the hospital instead of on a date with your mom? I told him that I no longer feel comfortable recovering in our house and that I won't be returning until it's thoroughly cleaned and his mother is gone.

He's calling me the AH because his mother just wanted to get to know our new area and that I wasn't able to leave the hospital anyway, and that I was making a big deal out of this. I yelled that he essentially abandoned me at the hospital and entertained someone whose presence was meant to help make recovery easier, not more stressful, and that she was here for support, not on vacation.

Maybe it's just the pain and pain meds, but am I in the wrong here? Is this a stupid hill to die on?

There's a part of me telling me to see a divorce lawyer just to explore my options because I'm not sure this will ever change. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I want kids, yet I now don't see myself having any with my husband in the foreseeable future.

And if this isn't going to work out, I don't want to spend the next five years wasting time and money on therapy and missing a chance to find someone with whom I can actually start a family, someone who can be a committed father and husband before being a son. Many thanks to anyone who's read all of this.

EDIT - Thank you, everyone. I stepped away for a while and came back to a lot of support.

I think it's time to put my big girl pants on, unfortunately.

Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Dr. Vanessa Ray, a family therapist, highlights the complexities involved when a partner's family offers support during health crises.

Individuals may feel torn between accepting help and maintaining personal boundaries, especially after surgery.

Research indicates that these dynamics can lead to increased stress and anxiety, particularly when the individual feels their independence is being compromised.

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Moreover, studies in the Journal of Health Psychology indicate that support from family members can have both positive and negative effects on recovery processes.

While some individuals thrive with additional support, others may feel overwhelmed, leading to heightened emotional distress.

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Establishing Healthy Boundaries

To navigate these complexities, experts recommend establishing clear boundaries about what kind of support is acceptable.

Communicating openly with partners about needs and preferences can help alleviate misunderstandings and foster a supportive environment.

Research shows that clear boundary-setting can enhance relationship satisfaction and reduce stress during recovery periods.

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Furthermore, employing assertiveness training can empower individuals to advocate for their needs effectively.

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research on communication, assertiveness can foster a sense of control and agency, which is crucial during vulnerable periods.

This approach can ultimately lead to healthier interactions and reduce feelings of resentment.

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The Role of Individual Needs

Recognizing and prioritizing individual emotional needs is essential during recovery.

Psychological studies emphasize the importance of self-care and self-awareness as critical components of the healing process.

By engaging in practices that support emotional well-being, individuals can navigate the emotional complexities of recovery more effectively.

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Moreover, creating a support network that respects personal boundaries can enhance recovery outcomes.

Research indicates that individuals who feel supported without feeling overwhelmed are more likely to experience positive recovery trajectories.

This balance can significantly impact both mental and emotional well-being during challenging times.

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Ultimately, establishing healthy boundaries and prioritizing individual needs can lead to more satisfying relationships during recovery.

By fostering open dialogue and practicing assertiveness, individuals can navigate complex family dynamics more effectively, enhancing both personal well-being and relational harmony.

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What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!

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Psychological Analysis

This situation illustrates the delicate balance between accepting support and maintaining personal boundaries. It's crucial to communicate openly about needs during recovery to prevent feelings of overwhelm.

Establishing clear limits can lead to healthier interactions and enhance overall well-being.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating family support during recovery requires careful consideration of boundaries and individual needs.

By prioritizing effective communication and self-awareness, individuals can foster healthier family dynamics that promote both healing and connection.