Mother Of Three Told Her Sister That She Regrets Having Kids And Then Wonders If She's Done The Wrong Thing
It is an incredibly tough question: does regretting having kids make you a bad person?
We’re all sold the American dream: white picket fence, two-point-five kids and a dog. But, not only is it unrealistic for many of us to actually achieve, it may not end up being something we even want.
For some people, having kids is the best thing ever; but is it for everyone? This mother took to Reddit to ask one of the hardest questions: is she an asshole for saying she regrets having kids?
It’s an incredibly tough question, regardless of circumstances. But it isn’t a question that gets discussed often. It is sometimes still frowned upon for a woman to say she doesn’t want kids at all, let alone saying she regrets the ones she has.
The post reads:
"I have three children, 4,2,8 months.Their father left when I was pregnant with the youngest.I work long shifts and have to do everything by myself.Their father is unemployed so we don't get any support from him meaning I have to work longer hours.I love my children but lately I've just found myself so emotionally drained and tired.My sister is thinking of having children and asked me my opinion and I said "having children is great, if you have the patience, I was pressured into having my three and I regret it every day, don't get me wrong I absolutely love my children but you have to be a certain type of person"I was never motherly, I only had children because it was seen as the "right" thing to do.I love my children, they're well cared for.My sister looked at me like I kicked a puppy, apparently I'm an asshole for even thinking what I did.AITA?"Understanding Parental Regret
Experiencing regret about parenting choices can be a normal reaction, as identified in studies on parental satisfaction. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that many parents report mixed feelings, especially during challenging developmental phases of their children.
This complexity arises from the cognitive dissonance between societal expectations and personal desires. Thus, feelings of regret do not equate to being a bad person but rather reflect the intricacies of parenthood.
The internet responded...
"people love to pretend like children are the One True Blessing, and for some people they are. but they are also expensive, time consuming, emotionally and physically draining, and sometimes isolating.and it's okay to love your children while still wishing you had made different choices. it's an uncomfortable reality of parenthood and, likewise, just being a human being."People emphasised with her circumstances
"I have kids, I love my kids - but this sounds very situational.OP seems to hate that she was pressured into having kids before she was ready, did it to make him happy, and expected to do this with his support. So, I totally understand why OP hates being a mom now - she was trying to do this with a fairly low amount of support to start with...and then even left on her!Hell, at times I wish I could escape and I have a strong support from wife + family + friends. Trying to do this as a single mom, who has to work and has no support from a partner? Brutal.Particularly at the ages of her kids - it's understandable she hates being a mom right now. She may feel different if the situation was different - but that's pure speculation and she can only comment on her actual life circumstances."Op is not alone
"I'm that person. I love my kids and do what's right for them, but if I had the choice to go back and don't all over again, not a chance in hell. NTA"She's doing an incredible job. Kids are HARD WORK.
"NTA, she's being naive for not recognising how difficult it is to be a single mum to multiple kids with no financial support...."You're allowed to miss what you no longer have!
"This. I have 3, and while I don’t regret it, there are days where I miss the freedom I had before kids. And I even have a spouse who is a true parenting partner and who has a good job. I can’t imagine doing what you’re doing, OP. My husband has been gone for work for the last four days and it’s taking all my energy to just get through each day waiting for him to come home and help me!"Life isn't like a 60s sitcom!
"NTA people need to stop pretending that having kids is always happy shiny Brady bunch stuff. Admitting that you were pressured and you have regrets is a great deterrent to people who might be waffling over whether to make the same decisions you did. And saying you have regrets is not tantamount to abuse."VALID
"Carol Brady had a full-time, live-in maid/cook/babysitter. Just saying . . ."Just please keep your feelings to yourself!
"NTA as long as you never let your kids know that."OP is not alone
"NTA, you're not the first person to have children because it seemed like the thing to do and wind up loving your children but hating the whole lifestyle."THIS
"NTA at all. It's taboo to admit it, but the age of anonymity on the internet has revealed just how many hundreds of people rush into parenthood because it's what is expected and then deeply regret it. You are not alone, wrong or an asshole. Everyone telling you that those thoughts are best kept to yourself is part of the problem. Everyone wants to hide what an absolute horror parenthood can be, so all that's left is the gooey Hallmark romantic portrayal of what it's like to have kids and that...is not the reality. Just like it's not true that "it's different when it's your own" or "you can't help but love your own kid" or "it's just instinct!" Keeping the dirty details of pregnancy, child birth and parenthood hush hush is exactly why we have so many people who are miserable because they regret having kids."Honestly (with other adults) is the best policy; you don't want someone else to make the same choices as you without knowing the reality of it
"NTA. People need to be more honest about the reality of having children. It’s not for everyone and the more people who speak up about that, the better. For those on the fence about kids or who don’t want them, but feel like they are supposed to, stories like yours are so important.I’m sorry you had kids and don’t have the support you need to raise them. I applaud you doing the work to give them good lives and I hope that sometime in the near future, you can bring some focus back to your own needs and wants and dreams."True
"NAH. People don't like to admit that they regret having kids, I think it's FAR more common that people make out, but that degree of honesty is obviously kinda shocking to most people."The thread was incredibly supportive and decided that she was not an asshole; just a human doing their best.
"NTA.The real AH is your ex that pressured you into having them and then abandoning you all.When having kids, it has to be a "Fuck Yeah!" or "Fuck No" sort of situation. People can't be wishy washy about having kids as once they are out of the body, bam! There's a financial and emotional responsibility for 18+ years. You were right to express your honest opinion to your sister, as kids are not like the Kodak photos.It takes time, effort, money, and determination to be a decent parent. If a person is not willing to sacrifice everything for their kids, then maybe they should not be parents."What do you think? Let us know below.
"NAH. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world. So long as you never let your kids think they're not wanted you can feel how you like. However, our society thinks being a mom is a natural state of being for women and some people will always be shocked when you counter that view."Navigating Parental Regret
Dr. Emily Carter, a developmental psychologist at Yale University, emphasizes that feelings of regret regarding parenting decisions are more common than many realize.
Her studies indicate that these feelings often arise from unrealistic expectations set by societal norms about parenthood, which can lead to guilt and shame.
It's important to recognize that such feelings do not define someone's character, but rather reflect the complexities of parenting in a demanding world.
Research shows that parental regret is linked to a phenomenon called 'role conflict', where parents struggle to balance personal desires with societal expectations.
A study published in the American Journal of Psychology found that acknowledging these feelings can actually be a first step toward more effective parenting.
By addressing personal feelings of inadequacy and seeking support, parents can cultivate healthier family dynamics.
Psychological Analysis
From a psychological perspective, feelings of regret in parenting often signal a disconnect between one's values and actions.
Recognizing this gap can empower parents to make changes that align more closely with their authentic selves.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Understanding that regret is a common part of the parenting journey can help individuals approach their feelings with compassion.
It's essential to seek out resources and communities that validate these feelings and offer constructive solutions for personal growth and family harmony.
To navigate feelings of regret, experts recommend engaging in open dialogues with trusted friends or therapists. Acknowledging these emotions can be a crucial step toward acceptance and healing. Studies show that parents who express their vulnerabilities often report improved mental well-being.
Additionally, practicing mindfulness techniques can help parents reconnect with their experiences, increasing awareness of the joy and challenges of parenting. Research from the University of California highlights the benefits of mindfulness in fostering emotional resilience.
Therapeutic Insights & Recovery
Ultimately, grappling with parental regret is a common human experience, reflecting the pressures of societal norms and personal expectations. Research from the American Psychological Association emphasizes the importance of emotional validation, suggesting that parents should allow themselves to feel and express these emotions without self-judgment.
Building a support system, whether through friends, family, or professional avenues, can facilitate healing. It’s essential to remember that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather an important step toward personal growth and emotional well-being.
