Am I the Asshole for Letting My Daughter Choose Her Own Bras Without Checking? Dad Seeks Advice
Discover a dad's dilemma after letting his daughter buy bras alone and the fallout from her mom's reaction in this intriguing AITA post.
A dad thought he was doing a normal mall trip thing, then a furious phone call turned it into a full-on co-parenting debate. It started with a simple errand and a teen asking to go into Victoria’s Secret, not a big dramatic shopping spree.
He (32M) has shared custody of his 13-year-old daughter, and during their outing she said she wanted bras that fit better. He figured it was like buying perfume or socks, let her choose, and they kept moving through the day. The next day, her mom called, furious that the bras were “sexy underwear,” specifically lacy bras, and accused him of being crazy for not checking the bags before letting his daughter leave the store.
Now he’s stuck wondering if dads are supposed to supervise bra choices, or if he really missed something obvious.
Original Post
**Hello, I originally posted this in r/AmITheAsshole, but it was removed. I think a lot of people who follow that sub also follow this one, so I’m posting it here to later give an update, assuming it’s not removed from this sub as well.** I (32M) have shared custody of my 13-year-old daughter. Earlier this week, we went to the mall since she’s been asking me to go, and I was happy with how she’s been doing in school.
Midway through, after we hit a few stores, she asked me to go into Victoria's Secret. I asked what she wanted (thinking something like perfume), and she said she wanted bras that fit better. She got what she wanted, and we continued with our day.
Yesterday, after I took my daughter to her mom's, I received a call from my daughter’s mom, who was furious with me for letting my daughter buy “sexy underwear.” I was like, “What? What did she buy?”
She told me she has lacy bras. I asked, “See-through?” But she said no, but that it doesn’t matter because lace in general is too much for a 13-year-old and that I was crazy for not checking her bags. I said I didn’t think I needed to help a teenage girl shop for underwear or bras or whatever, but she didn’t want to hear it.
I told her I have the receipt and can just send them back with my daughter next time I get her, and I’ll see if I can return them. But I’m wondering if this was an oversight on my part?
Are dads supposed to be supervising bra choices? —
**ETA: Thank you, everyone, for all of the opinions and advice (even those who think I’m wrong). I’m trying to read through all the comments I can, but here are a few things based on the ones I’ve seen so far:**
- I’ve seen a lot of comments saying I should keep the bras in her room at my house. I like that idea and will do that.
- Referring to the comments saying my daughter was playing me, I wouldn’t say she’s that kind of girl, but even if she was going around her mom, I won’t be mad at her for that (but I will have a talk with her). I was a teen once too.
- As far as talks about sex and whatnot, I’m fortunate that she doesn’t shy away from talking to me about these kinds of things, and we can have open and age-appropriate conversations about that and surrounding topics. I’m not sure about her mother.
Allowing children to make certain choices, such as buying their own bras, can be a significant step in fostering independence.
Research in developmental psychology emphasizes the importance of autonomy in children's growth, suggesting that it can lead to better self-esteem and decision-making skills.
However, it also raises questions about parental oversight and the balance between guidance and independence.
Comment from u/ZippyKoala
Comment from u/misteraustria27
The mall trip seemed totally routine until the mom’s call the next day, where she flipped out about “lacy” bras and demanded he admit he messed up.
The reaction of the mother in this scenario likely stems from her own beliefs about parenting and boundaries.
Studies show that parents often project their anxieties onto their children, particularly when it comes to issues of body image and sexuality.
This can create tension between parents and children, especially during adolescence when identity formation is critical.
Comment from u/prettyinpinkleather
Comment from u/facinationstreet
The issue of body image remains pervasive in today's society, especially among young girls who are navigating the complexities of adolescence. The father's decision to allow his 13-year-old daughter to choose her own bras at Victoria's Secret raises important questions about parental influence on body perception. The mother's concerns regarding this autonomy may stem from her own experiences with body image, suggesting that her apprehensions could inadvertently impact how her daughter views herself. This dynamic underscores the critical role that parental attitudes play in shaping a child's self-esteem and body image, making it essential for parents to reflect on their own perceptions as they guide their children through these formative years.
Comment from u/Any_Assumption_2023
Comment from u/Alarming_Paper_8357
After he asked what she even bought, the conversation instantly got tense when she said lace is too much for a 13-year-old and he should have checked the bags.
Encouraging open communication about body image and self-esteem is crucial in navigating these sensitive topics.
Parents can create safe spaces for discussions, allowing children to express their feelings and concerns.
Involving a family therapist may provide additional support in addressing underlying issues and enhancing family communication.
Comment from u/TeaInternational9753
Comment from u/PaleHorseBlackDog
Developmental Considerations
Children's autonomy is a critical aspect of their development, particularly during adolescence.
Comment from u/RevolutionaryLab4775
Comment from u/mrsmarcos2003
He offered to use the receipt and send the bras back during the next handoff, but the real issue was whether he should have been controlling the shopping in the first place.
Ultimately, finding harmony between independence and parental guidance is key.
Comment from u/Curt_Uncles
Comment from u/SuggestionOdd6657
Different parenting styles can significantly affect children's development and self-esteem.
This style encourages children to develop autonomy while still feeling supported and connected to their parents.
Comment from u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226
Comment from u/TraditionalPumpkin74
With comments suggesting he keep the bras in his room at his house, he’s left thinking about boundaries and whether his daughter was playing him or just shopping for what fit.
We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.
Comment from u/IJustWorkHere000c
Comment from u/dawno64
Comment from u/friendlydruid
Comment from u/Dilapidated_girrafe
This scenario highlights the complexities of parenting, particularly when it comes to balancing guidance with a child's autonomy.
He thought he was letting his daughter pick what she needs, but now he’s wondering if that choice came with rules he never learned.
For more custody-adjacent money drama, see whether a 28-year-old should refuse parents’ increased contribution.
