Am I the Asshole for Letting My Daughter Choose Her Own Bras Without Checking? Dad Seeks Advice

In a recent Reddit post, a father shared his experience of letting his 13-year-old daughter buy bras on her own at Victoria's Secret. The father, who has shared custody of his daughter, took her shopping and allowed her to choose bras that fit better without directly supervising the purchase.

However, the situation took a turn when the girl's mother found out and was furious about the choice of "sexy underwear." The father defended his decision, stating that he trusted his daughter to make her own choices and didn't see the need to supervise her underwear shopping. He even offered to return the bras if necessary.

The post sparked a debate about parenting, trust, and boundaries when it comes to adolescent girls shopping for undergarments. Many Reddit users sided with the father, praising him for respecting his daughter's autonomy and promoting open communication.

Some argued that buying lacy bras doesn't equate to sexualizing a young girl and that it's essential to empower teenagers to make their own decisions about their bodies. On the other hand, some commenters expressed concerns about oversexualization and the mother's perspective on the situation.

The thread highlighted the complexities of parenting, trust-building, and societal perceptions of teenage girls' clothing choices.

Original Post

**Hello, I originally posted this in r/AmITheAsshole, but it was removed. I think a lot of people who follow that sub also follow this one, so I’m posting it here to later give an update, assuming it’s not removed from this sub as well.** I (32M) have shared custody of my 13-year-old daughter. Earlier this week, we went to the mall since she’s been asking me to go, and I was happy with how she’s been doing in school.

Midway through, after we hit a few stores, she asked me to go into Victoria's Secret. I asked what she wanted (thinking something like perfume), and she said she wanted bras that fit better. Not being an expert in that area, I asked one of the ladies in there if they could assist her, gave my daughter my card to buy what she wanted, and stood to the side outside of the store. She got what she wanted, and we continued with our day.

Yesterday, after I took my daughter to her mom's, I received a call from my daughter’s mom, who was furious with me for letting my daughter buy “sexy underwear.” I was like, “What? What did she buy?”

She told me she has lacy bras. I asked, “See-through?” But she said no, but that it doesn’t matter because lace in general is too much for a 13-year-old and that I was crazy for not checking her bags. I said I didn’t think I needed to help a teenage girl shop for underwear or bras or whatever, but she didn’t want to hear it.

I told her I have the receipt and can just send them back with my daughter next time I get her, and I’ll see if I can return them. But I’m wondering if this was an oversight on my part?

Are dads supposed to be supervising bra choices? —

**ETA: Thank you, everyone, for all of the opinions and advice (even those who think I’m wrong). I’m trying to read through all the comments I can, but here are a few things based on the ones I’ve seen so far:**

- I’ve seen a lot of comments saying I should keep the bras in her room at my house. I like that idea and will do that.

- Referring to the comments saying my daughter was playing me, I wouldn’t say she’s that kind of girl, but even if she was going around her mom, I won’t be mad at her for that (but I will have a talk with her). I was a teen once too.

- As far as talks about sex and whatnot, I’m fortunate that she doesn’t shy away from talking to me about these kinds of things, and we can have open and age-appropriate conversations about that and surrounding topics. I’m not sure about her mother.

Navigating Parenting Boundaries

Allowing children to make certain choices, such as buying their own bras, can be a significant step in fostering independence.

Research in developmental psychology emphasizes the importance of autonomy in children's growth, suggesting that it can lead to better self-esteem and decision-making skills.

However, it also raises questions about parental oversight and the balance between guidance and independence.

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The reaction of the mother in this scenario likely stems from her own beliefs about parenting and boundaries.

Studies show that parents often project their anxieties onto their children, particularly when it comes to issues of body image and sexuality.

This can create tension between parents and children, especially during adolescence when identity formation is critical.

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The Psychology of Body Image

Body image issues are prevalent in modern society, particularly among young girls.

According to Dr. Janet Lansbury, parenting expert, "Parents' perceptions of their own bodies can significantly influence how their children view themselves." This highlights the importance of parental attitudes towards body image, which can shape a child's self-perception. In this case, the mother's concerns may reflect her own struggles with body image, which she inadvertently transfers to her daughter.

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Encouraging open communication about body image and self-esteem is crucial in navigating these sensitive topics.

Parents can create safe spaces for discussions, allowing children to express their feelings and concerns.

Involving a family therapist may provide additional support in addressing underlying issues and enhancing family communication.

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Developmental Considerations

Children's autonomy is a critical aspect of their development, particularly during adolescence.

Research in developmental psychology highlights that allowing children to make choices helps them learn responsibility and decision-making skills.

However, it's essential for parents to strike a balance between providing guidance and allowing independence, fostering a sense of trust in the parent-child relationship.

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Ultimately, finding harmony between independence and parental guidance is key.

Maintaining a dialogue about boundaries and personal choices can help strengthen relationships.

Encouraging children to express their opinions and feelings can also foster greater understanding and empathy within the family unit.

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Understanding Parenting Styles

Different parenting styles can significantly affect children's development and self-esteem.

Research from the American Psychological Association indicates that authoritative parenting, which balances warmth and structure, often leads to the best outcomes for children.

This style encourages children to develop autonomy while still feeling supported and connected to their parents.

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We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation underscores the importance of fostering independence in children while also providing necessary guidance.

It's crucial for parents to be aware of their own beliefs about body image and how they may influence their children’s development.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating parenting boundaries requires a delicate balance between guidance and autonomy.

Understanding the psychological implications of body image and independence can foster healthier parent-child relationships.

Ultimately, open communication is key to navigating these transitions successfully.