Am I The Jerk For Not Supporting My Husband's Parents Financially

Are you caught in a family financial dilemma and torn between supporting your in-laws or securing your own future? The Reddit thread "AITA for not financially supporting my husband's parents?" delves into a complex situation that many can relate to.

The original poster shares how their husband's siblings expect them to continue contributing $100 per month to their parents, even though the husband is currently unemployed. The family dynamics, cultural differences, and financial strain are all at play here, making it a thought-provoking scenario.

The husband's siblings are pressuring the couple to resume the monthly contribution, pointing out the couple's occasional trips as a reason they should continue the support. However, the original poster stands firm, stating that they can't afford to add another monthly bill until their financial situation stabilizes.

The cultural expectation of children financially supporting parents adds another layer of complexity to the situation, sparking a debate on responsibilities and boundaries within families. Top comments on the thread highlight various perspectives, from questioning the husband's job search efforts to discussing the cultural expectations of supporting parents.

The thread also touches on personal struggles with poverty and the importance of setting financial boundaries within families. The discussion raises essential questions about financial responsibility, family dynamics, and the challenges of balancing personal financial goals with familial expectations.

Original Post

About 1.5yrs ago my (33F) husband's (32m) three siblings decided they were each going to give $100/mo to their parents (66F and lower 60sM). My husband lost his job last May and stopped contributing the $100, and his unemployment payments ran out in December.

We have been living off of my salary and he donates plasma, we share money and discuss all expenses but I have the final financial say (it was that way before as well, because I'm very good with money and he prefers me to take care of it). He was making about the same as me before so we've had to adjust our lifestyle a ton with our income being cut in half, but there are some fun things we still do, like we still travel occasionally because we have points for flights and we stay with friends for free.

Last night he got called to a family meeting where he found out his dad is leaving his mom, this has happened before a few times and they worked it out but this time it seems final. They own their house fully and his dad said he would be willing to sign it away to MIL for $25k, the house is worth a lot now as it's in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood so this is wayyyy less than his half would be if they sold it.

My husband and his siblings got dinner after to discuss the situation and how they were going to help their mom, and during that conversation they got onto him about not contributing the monthly $100. They said it was a bad look that we are still going on trips.

He explained that they are very cheap trips because we don't pay for flights or lodging and said he has no income. They basically said it should come out of my income then since we're a household.

He asked me if we could contribute the monthly $100 and I said not until he has a job and we stabilize. We squeak by but we are not in any position to have another monthly bill.

He understood, as he always does. Some additional context, my MIL is a lovely person and I also get along super well with his siblings.

There is a bit of a cultural difference at play here, because I come from a culture where parents would rather die than take money from their children and in his culture it's common for children to financially support their parents. I love my MIL but I don't feel great knowing that we are her retirement plan to be honest, especially since we plan to have kids of our own soon and I would also like us to retire someday.

It's $100 a month now but I know this monthly amount isn't going to be the end of it and it doesn't quite sit right with me, even outside of our current financial situation, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. TL;DR: Husband doesn't have a job.

His siblings want us to continue give their mom $100 a month like we used to for both parents because we still travel and I told him we can't until he has a job. I genuinely want to know the truth because I'm feeling weird about the whole thing, AITA for being the reason we are not currently contributing $100 a month to my in-law(s)?

EDIT: To address some frequent questions/points: -It's pretty clear they do not plan on supporting their dad financially, he has been crappy in the way he has treated their mom so as far as I know, the monthly support in the future would be going to just mom. -Mom plans to take out a loan for the 25k.

Dad is asking for it in exchange for signing his rights away. The best solution would definitely be to pay the 25k first and get it in her name, and then sell the house and she gets all the proceeds.

If she kept it the house would be later inherited by him and his siblings, but it makes more sense to all of them (and me) for mom to have the money while she's alive. But she does not seem to want to sell the house.

We'll see what happens. -Mom works at a chain tax-prep place, dad doesn't work.

They are not disabled. -The money started because sister found out parents got food from a food bank -Husband absolutely does need to get a job, he has had some good interviews lately so hopefully he hears something positive back

Exploring Financial Responsibilities in Relationships

This scenario highlights a significant issue regarding financial responsibilities within relationships, particularly in the context of cultural expectations. Financial support can evoke strong emotions and lead to conflict when expectations are misaligned.

Research in social psychology indicates that financial obligations are often intertwined with cultural values, which can complicate discussions about support.

Understanding these cultural dynamics can help both partners navigate their differing expectations more effectively.

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Moreover, financial disagreements can signal deeper concerns about power and control within a relationship. Studies show that financial stress can exacerbate tensions and lead to feelings of resentment if not addressed directly.

According to Dr. Brad Klontz, financial therapy can help couples explore their beliefs and emotional responses surrounding money, leading to healthier discussions about financial responsibilities.

Recognizing the emotional context of financial discussions is essential for promoting constructive dialogue.

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The Role of Cultural Expectations in Financial Support

In many cultures, financial support for extended family is seen as a duty, which can create pressure on couples to contribute. Understanding these cultural expectations can help partners navigate their differing views on financial support.

Research indicates that discussing cultural values openly can enhance mutual understanding and reduce conflict.

By acknowledging each other's backgrounds, couples can find common ground and develop shared financial goals.

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Comment from u/Accomplished_Lack243

NTA Mom needs to sell the house and live off that instead of her kids. And please don't have children with a man who won't work 🙄

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Comment from u/Big_Bowler8424

NTA. I’m curious how your MIL expects to get the 25k for the house if she needs her kids to give her money every month.

Comment from u/dncrmom

Psychological Analysis

This situation underscores the complexities of financial responsibilities in relationships, particularly when cultural expectations come into play. Engaging in open discussions about money can alleviate tension and promote understanding. By addressing these issues collaboratively, couples can strengthen their relationship and develop shared financial goals.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating financial responsibilities within relationships requires an understanding of cultural dynamics and open communication.

By discussing expectations and establishing clear agreements, couples can enhance their financial relationship and reduce conflict.

Ultimately, recognizing the emotional and cultural implications of financial support can foster healthier and more supportive partnerships.

Comment from u/CurrentTea3987

NTA. He doesn’t have the money or his own money to give to his parents so that’s on him. He never should’ve been taken money out of your household to give to them anyways. It’s bad enough you have to carry his grown broke self but his parents too!

Comment from u/Hot-Freedom-5886

I’m nearly 60 and still working more than full time. My BFF IS 67, and she is still working full-time. Are his parents working?

Comment from u/SlinkyMalinky20

Your husband needs to get a job doing something, anything, to make some money. His siblings need to butt out.

Comment from u/Sea_Roof3637

Why can’t he get a job? If it’s unemployment that’s run out either he’s unwell and needs to go on some kind of disability or get to McDonald’s, Starbucks anywhere that pays. It’s unacceptable that he’s gone a year without a job. I’m struggling to find work myself, but I’m disabled so I need certain accommodations. But if he’s healthy there’s no excuse. Even something seasonal, part time anything. NTA

Comment from u/SL8Rgirl

NTA your husband’s siblings need to be mad at him and pressuring him to get a job to make his contributions and leave you out of it.

Additionally, establishing clear financial agreements can alleviate misunderstandings and set realistic expectations. Research shows that written agreements about financial responsibilities can reduce anxiety and create a sense of security.

Creating a financial plan together can promote transparency and build trust between partners, leading to a more harmonious relationship.

By addressing financial matters proactively, couples can minimize potential conflicts.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.