Am I The Jerk For Not Supporting My Husband's Parents Financially

Some families treat money like a shared bill, and others treat it like a personal choice. In this one, the line got blurry fast when OP’s husband’s siblings decided they’d each chip in $100 a month for their parents, even as OP’s household was getting crushed by job loss.

OP (33F) and her husband (32M) had been managing fine until he lost his job last May and stopped sending his $100. Their unemployment ran out in December, and now they’re living on OP’s salary while he donates plasma. Then the dad dropped a bomb at a family meeting: he might be leaving his wife for good again, and the house situation is suddenly on the table.

After dinner, the siblings turned the screws on OP and her husband, and that’s where the real conflict started.

Original Post

About 1.5yrs ago my (33F) husband's (32m) three siblings decided they were each going to give $100/mo to their parents (66F and lower 60sM). My husband lost his job last May and stopped contributing the $100, and his unemployment payments ran out in December.

We have been living off of my salary and he donates plasma, we share money and discuss all expenses but I have the final financial say (it was that way before as well, because I'm very good with money and he prefers me to take care of it). He was making about the same as me before so we've had to adjust our lifestyle a ton with our income being cut in half, but there are some fun things we still do, like we still travel occasionally because we have points for flights and we stay with friends for free.

Last night he got called to a family meeting where he found out his dad is leaving his mom, this has happened before a few times and they worked it out but this time it seems final. They own their house fully and his dad said he would be willing to sign it away to MIL for $25k, the house is worth a lot now as it's in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood so this is wayyyy less than his half would be if they sold it.

My husband and his siblings got dinner after to discuss the situation and how they were going to help their mom, and during that conversation they got onto him about not contributing the monthly $100. They said it was a bad look that we are still going on trips.

He explained that they are very cheap trips because we don't pay for flights or lodging and said he has no income. They basically said it should come out of my income then since we're a household.

He asked me if we could contribute the monthly $100 and I said not until he has a job and we stabilize. We squeak by but we are not in any position to have another monthly bill.

He understood, as he always does. Some additional context, my MIL is a lovely person and I also get along super well with his siblings.

There is a bit of a cultural difference at play here, because I come from a culture where parents would rather die than take money from their children and in his culture it's common for children to financially support their parents. I love my MIL but I don't feel great knowing that we are her retirement plan to be honest, especially since we plan to have kids of our own soon and I would also like us to retire someday.

It's $100 a month now but I know this monthly amount isn't going to be the end of it and it doesn't quite sit right with me, even outside of our current financial situation, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. TL;DR: Husband doesn't have a job.

His siblings want us to continue give their mom $100 a month like we used to for both parents because we still travel and I told him we can't until he has a job. I genuinely want to know the truth because I'm feeling weird about the whole thing, AITA for being the reason we are not currently contributing $100 a month to my in-law(s)? -Mom plans to take out a loan for the 25k.

Dad is asking for it in exchange for signing his rights away. The best solution would definitely be to pay the 25k first and get it in her name, and then sell the house and she gets all the proceeds.

If she kept it the house would be later inherited by him and his siblings, but it makes more sense to all of them (and me) for mom to have the money while she's alive. But she does not seem to want to sell the house.

We'll see what happens. -Mom works at a chain tax-prep place, dad doesn't work.

They are not disabled. -The money started because sister found out parents got food from a food bank -Husband absolutely does need to get a job, he has had some good interviews lately so hopefully he hears something positive back

Exploring Financial Responsibilities in Relationships

This scenario highlights a significant issue regarding financial responsibilities within relationships, particularly in the context of cultural expectations.

Comment from u/9okm

Comment from u/FerociousPickle

The siblings are still expecting that monthly $100 even though OP says they’re currently squeaking by after her husband’s unemployment ran out in December.

Moreover, financial disagreements can signal deeper concerns about power and control within a relationship.

Comment from u/Many_Worlds_Media

Comment from u/WickedAngelLove

In many cultures, financial support for extended family is seen as a duty, which can create pressure on couples to contribute. Understanding these cultural expectations can help partners navigate their differing views on financial support.

Research indicates that discussing cultural values openly can enhance mutual understanding and reduce conflict.

By acknowledging each other's backgrounds, couples can find common ground and develop shared financial goals.

Comment from u/Mountain_Doctor7216

Comment from u/RoyallyOakie

Then, at the family meeting, OP’s husband hears that his dad may be signing the house over to MIL for $25k, and suddenly everyone has opinions about who should pay.

This echoes the AITA drama where a friend ghosted her during need, then asked for help later.

Comment from u/Accomplished_Lack243

NTA Mom needs to sell the house and live off that instead of her kids. And please don't have children with a man who won't work 🙄

Comment from u/Alternative-News-646

Comment from u/Jmfroggie

During dinner, the siblings call it a “bad look” that OP and her husband are still taking low-cost trips, even though they’re using points and staying with friends.

Comment from u/Big_Bowler8424

NTA. I’m curious how your MIL expects to get the 25k for the house if she needs her kids to give her money every month.

Comment from u/dncrmom

In this intricate scenario of familial financial obligations, the complexities of cultural expectations and communication are paramount.

Comment from u/CurrentTea3987

NTA. He doesn’t have the money or his own money to give to his parents so that’s on him. He never should’ve been taken money out of your household to give to them anyways. It’s bad enough you have to carry his grown broke self but his parents too!

When OP’s husband asks OP to cover the $100 from her income, she refuses until he’s working again, and the family basically treats that like a personal betrayal.

Comment from u/Hot-Freedom-5886

I’m nearly 60 and still working more than full time. My BFF IS 67, and she is still working full-time. Are his parents working?

Comment from u/SlinkyMalinky20

Your husband needs to get a job doing something, anything, to make some money. His siblings need to butt out.

Comment from u/Sea_Roof3637

Why can’t he get a job? If it’s unemployment that’s run out either he’s unwell and needs to go on some kind of disability or get to McDonald’s, Starbucks anywhere that pays. It’s unacceptable that he’s gone a year without a job. I’m struggling to find work myself, but I’m disabled so I need certain accommodations. But if he’s healthy there’s no excuse. Even something seasonal, part time anything. NTA

Comment from u/SL8Rgirl

NTA your husband’s siblings need to be mad at him and pressuring him to get a job to make his contributions and leave you out of it.

Research shows that written agreements about financial responsibilities can reduce anxiety and create a sense of security.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

Now OP’s husband is stuck between keeping the peace at home and being judged by people who want his money more than his stability.

Before you decide, read why this cousin’s home-purchase help was a dealbreaker for her.