Am I Wrong for Having Different Expectations for My Working Daughters?

Are you the "Asshole" for setting different expectations for your daughters? This Reddit post delves into a family dynamic where two adult daughters, Maya and Eva, are treated differently based on their workloads and responsibilities.

Maya, who works over 50 hours a week juggling multiple jobs, receives more support from her parents compared to Eva, who works part-time and is considering a career change due to burnout from nursing school. The parents assist Maya with chores like laundry and pet care while expecting Eva to manage her own responsibilities.

The Reddit community provides varied opinions on the situation, with some calling out the parents for showing favoritism toward Maya and lacking empathy toward Eva's burnout. Others argue that different circumstances warrant different levels of support and that it's reasonable to assist Maya more due to her demanding schedule.

The discussion highlights the complexities of parenting adult children and the importance of fairness and understanding in family relationships. As the comments unfold, users offer insights into the potential long-term impacts of favoritism and the need for open communication and equal treatment within the family.

The thread prompts reflection on parenting approaches, sibling dynamics, and the balance between support and fostering independence in adult children.

Original Post

I have two daughters, Maya (27) and Eva (23). Maya has earned associate degrees in child development, music education, and psychology, and she takes classes part-time in special education and school administration to obtain additional certifications.

Eva completed nursing school a few months ago. They both live at home to save money.

Maya works a minimum of 50 hours a week. She’s a nanny to a single mom who works as a nurse, so one week she works from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. three days a week, and the next week she does the same hours four days a week.

She also teaches ballet and music classes at a couple of local schools. When she works back-to-back shifts at her nanny job, she tends to sleep there so she doesn’t have to leave the house by 5:30 a.m.

Eva is burnt out from nursing school, so she only works 20 hours a week at a clinic. She works from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. and then goes home.

She’s considering quitting altogether and going back to school for cosmetology. Since Maya works so much, if she starts a load of laundry before work, my wife and I have no problem transferring it to the dryer and folding it for her.

Since Eva only works part-time, she’s expected to be responsible for her own laundry. Another difference in expectations is with pet care.

Maya is not expected to walk or feed the dogs (a chihuahua mix and what my kids call “the mutt of all mutts”) and the cat. Eva is expected to do so three days a week (Eva is also the one who asked for one of the dogs and the cat).

We also tend to do more favors for Maya (dropping off a meal at her work, picking up things for her, or making her a simple meal), especially on the days she comes home from a 15-hour shift and the day she returns from back-to-back shifts. Today we reminded Eva to take her clothes out of the dryer before she goes out (she has a habit of starting the washing machine and dryer before going out with friends for hours overnight), and she said that we do Maya’s laundry, so we shouldn’t have a problem doing hers too.

I told her it’s very different doing it for her sister, who works 15 hours a day, than doing it for her when she’s just going out with friends. Now she’s upset about favoritism because Maya doesn’t take care of the pets or pay her car insurance (she uses her car for work, so her boss covers her insurance).

My wife has always had a habit of giving in to her, so now she’s saying we should be harder on Maya because if Eva can handle these responsibilities, so can she. I still think it’s understandable to help the daughter who is working 15 hours a day, plus a 20-30 minute commute, but I don’t feel that the one who works 20 hours a week needs the same level of help.

Understanding Familial Expectations

Dr. Madeline Levine, a renowned child psychologist, emphasizes that different expectations can stem from the unique strengths and weaknesses of each child. In her book, 'The Price of Privilege,' she discusses how parental favoritism can lead to feelings of resentment and inadequacy among siblings.

She suggests that parents should strive for balance, recognizing each child's individuality while fostering an environment where both daughters feel valued. Open dialogue and shared family values can help mitigate feelings of unfair treatment.

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A relationship expert notes that varying expectations can create tension within family dynamics, especially between siblings. Differences in workload between Maya and Eva may lead to perceived favoritism, which can strain their relationship.

To address this, families can benefit from open discussions about expectations and responsibilities. Creating a family manifesto outlining shared values and goals can help foster understanding and unity, ensuring that both daughters feel supported in their unique journeys.

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Mental Health Considerations

Dr. Kelly Brogan, a holistic psychiatrist, highlights the mental health implications of career-related stress and burnout. Eva's contemplation of a career change underscores the importance of mental well-being over traditional success metrics.

She suggests that encouraging daughters to prioritize mental health can lead to more fulfilling career paths. Parents should support their children's exploration of interests and passions, creating a safe space for discussions about mental health without judgment.

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Financial planners often emphasize the importance of open conversations about monetary expectations within family dynamics. In this case, parents may unintentionally place financial burdens on their working daughter, Maya, leading to feelings of resentment from Eva.

To alleviate potential financial stress, families could establish transparent communication about finances, sharing expectations around contributions and support. This approach fosters mutual respect and understanding, allowing both daughters to navigate their choices without feeling undue pressure.

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Balancing Support and Independence

Dr. Dan Siegel, a leading child psychiatrist, asserts that supporting children's independence is crucial for their development. He suggests that while it's essential to provide support to working children like Maya, parents must also encourage autonomy in Eva as she considers a career change.

By nurturing independence, parents can help both daughters cultivate resilience and self-reliance. Implementing regular family meetings to discuss aspirations and challenges can create a supportive environment where each child feels empowered to pursue their goals.

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Dr. Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, advocates for understanding the motivations behind career choices. He notes that Eva's desire for change may stem from a need for more meaningful work, a common theme among young adults today.

Encouraging Eva to explore her interests through internships or volunteer opportunities can help clarify her career aspirations. This proactive approach allows parents to support their daughter's journey while reducing feelings of competition between siblings.

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Creating Equitable Family Dynamics

Family therapists recommend that establishing equitable dynamics is vital for healthy family relationships. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, emphasizes the importance of fair treatment among siblings to prevent long-term resentment.

To create a supportive environment, parents should communicate openly about their expectations and actively listen to their daughters' concerns. Implementing family check-ins can facilitate ongoing discussions about each child’s needs and aspirations, fostering a sense of belonging and equality within the family.

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We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

Expert Opinion

This situation highlights the common psychological struggle between fairness and practicality in parenting. Parents often shape their expectations based on a child's specific circumstances, which can unintentionally lead to feelings of favoritism or resentment among siblings. It's crucial for families to foster open communication about feelings and responsibilities to ensure that all members feel valued and understood, regardless of their workload.

Ultimately, navigating the complexities of family expectations requires empathy, open communication, and a commitment to understanding each child's unique journey. Experts like Dr. Madeline Levine and Dr. John Gottman emphasize that establishing balance and equity in familial relationships is essential for long-term harmony.

By fostering open dialogue and creating supportive structures, parents can help their daughters thrive individually while strengthening their relationships. Implementing regular family discussions about aspirations, responsibilities, and motivations can lead to a healthier family dynamic that benefits everyone involved.