Am I Wrong for Refusing to Support My Financially Irresponsible Parents?

A 26-year-old woman in Canada is being asked to keep bailing out her mom, even though the mom has been choosing zero income for years.

Her childhood was basically a stress machine, her mom and stepdad fought nonstop about money, and it got so bad that OP says it fed into her generalized anxiety. Now the stepdad’s inheritance is gone, he’s facing a serious medical condition and is on long-term disability, and her mom still refuses to apply for government assistance. Despite being able to, OP says her mom has taken zero steps, then asked her for $200 again this year.

OP is trying to break the cycle, but the guilt is hitting hard.

Original Post

To start the story off, I (26f, Canada) grew up in a financially unstable and irresponsible household with my mom and stepdad. They were constantly fighting about money (and I mean intense screaming fights), which is something that I believe contributed to my generalized anxiety disorder.

My mom has not worked in nearly 10 years and has absolutely 0 income, she stopped working because after having cancer years previously (completely recovered now) she struggles with chronic fatigue. My stepdad's income has never been enough to support them both but they’ve been doing ok the past few years after he received an inheritance.

The inheritance is of course now completely gone with none of it being invested or saved. Then, last year my stepdad got diagnosed with a very serious medical condition and will likely never work again.

He is on long term disability. Since this happened, I have urged my mother COUNTLESS times to apply for government assistance so she can have an income and help support the household.

She has not made 1 single step towards doing this. She continues to have 0 income.

Yesterday she asked me for $200 for the second time this year. For context about me, I am a registered social worker who worked VERY hard to become the first person in my family with a university degree.

I’m facing the difficult battle of breaking a cycle of financial irresponsibility. I live about 2 hours away with my boyfriend.

I’ve always been very close with my mom but now avoid going home and even talking to her as much because this situation makes me so sad and frustrated and also elevates my own anxiety. So, AITA for not wanting to send my mom money?

And for not wanting to sit and fill out one of these financial assistance applications with her? As a social worker I spend 40 hours a week helping others, my mom is perfectly capable of doing this independently but is choosing not to.

I’ve spent my whole childhood having to worry about their finances and I just don’t want to do it anymore, I’m tired. EDIT: I just wanted to add some examples of the irresponsibility I’m talking about as they come into my head.

1. I had to do their taxes for them for a number of years when I was in post secondary and still living with them in order to apply for my student loans - they haven’t done them since.

2. They got a new dog last year ???

3. They have a brand new boat and shed that was purchased with the inheritance rather than investing or saving even a cent of it.

The story of a 26-year-old woman grappling with the decision to refuse financial support to her parents sheds light on the complications that arise from financial irresponsibility within family dynamics. Growing up in a home marked by instability, she faced intense fights over money that shaped her perception of financial responsibility. This context underscores how the refusal to take accountability for one’s financial situation can breed resentment and conflict among family members.

The tension illustrated in her narrative emphasizes the critical need for open discussions about finances within families.

The dilemma faced by the original poster sheds light on the intricate emotional dynamics of family financial support. Growing up in a home marked by instability, the protagonist has undoubtedly internalized feelings of resentment and frustration towards her parents' financial irresponsibility. This situation is not uncommon; many individuals grapple with the weight of familial obligations that can lead to emotional turmoil. The tension within her family, highlighted by intense fights over money, serves as a backdrop to her current struggle. Recognizing the necessity of setting healthy boundaries is crucial, especially when past experiences continue to influence present decisions. The original poster's choice to not support her financially irresponsible parents is a reflection of her desire to break free from a cycle that has caused her significant distress.

Comment from u/ThisIsDumb-92

NTA. She is a grown ass woman and knows what she needs to do...she's just too lazy to do it. Giving her that $200 would just validate her behavior.

Comment from u/Boobookittyfhk

I am also social worker, and I think it conflicts people like us. We dedicate our lives to hoping people organize and achieve their goals and it’s hard to turn that off sometimes. It also gets taken advantage of by people. Users and abusers know what they’re looking for. They know how to hustle and they know who they can hustle it from and nobody knows you better than your own parents. She is perfectly capable, but it sounds like there’s always been somebody to bail them out and enable her excuses… When people need something, they’ll figure a way out. She’s a grown adult and has somehow managed to do adult things; job, kids, house. Government websites often have this paperwork along with very simple directions. She can also go in office and have someone assist her in filling out the paperwork. She wants you involved so that she Practice her Weaponized incompetence, and/or because it will give her more personal (face to face) time with you so that she can exaggerate and guilt you into helping. Also, if anything goes wrong, she can shift the responsibility onto you and still guilt you..

When OP urged her mom to apply for government help, she didn’t do a single thing, but still came back asking for $200 again yesterday.

Comment from u/Vegetable-Cod-2340

NTA ‘Mom, I understand your situation, but I’m on a tight budget and can’t lend you money. You need to apply for government support; relying on me isn’t sustainable.’

Comment from u/Cracker_Bites

Is there a colleague that can step in and do this instead? Takes you and your emotions out of the picture. Just book an appointment for her. It's okay to run out of spoons when it's a reoccurring situation. You're NTA. You have to protect yourself.

Comment from u/StrategyDouble4177

NTA. As an RSW myself, I know the struggle to separate what you do for work, from your personal life. Burnout is real, and not “taking work home with you” is the most effective way to protect yourself. I HATE when people call social work “the helping profession” (barf) but I think for many of us, we got into SW because we tend to be “fixers”, so those boundaries aren’t always easy to set and maintain. You also, I’m sure, are able to provide your parents with a list of resources that they can access in their area, who can provide the same supports that you would (to apply for social benefits, fill out the forms, etc). And you already know that sometimes, you “can’t work harder than the client is”. No amount of help you give will force your parents to change their attitudes or behaviour. That’s a lesson a lot of people (including myself, I’m not judging) need to learn the hard way. You’d probably tell a client something along the lines of “it’s not selfish to take care of yourself first or to say no”. Which is ALWAYS easier to tell other people than for us to believe about ourselves 😂 I’m sorry. This sounds frustrating and also probably pretty emotional. Trust your gut, I think you’re doing/choosing the right path, here ❤️

Comment from u/rosegarden207

NTA. Tell them to sell the d**n boat to get money and that you don't have extra money to spare.

Comment from u/DiTriBiUane

NTA. If she doesn't want to help herself, why do you have to do it? You've given her a solution to help her out and she didn't take it. They are grown up and should be responsible for themselves.

Comment from u/sometimesfamilysucks

Do NOT give them money. They will never stop asking you for help if you give them money. They are adults and they are capable of making adult decisions. Choices have consequences. You are NOT responsible for their choices

Comment from u/Ambitious-Border-906

NTA for not sending your mum money again, you have your own life to lead and expenses to meet. Where you may be approaching AH territory is not sitting down with her and filling in the forms with her.

The inheritance disappearing and the stepdad going on long-term disability made the timing worse, but OP’s mom’s choice to keep earning nothing stayed the same.

Comment from u/SavingsRhubarb8746

Don't send your mother money, and every time she asks, repeat like a recording "Have you applied for government assistance yet?" You know she won't be able to repay the $200 and every time you give her money will encourage her to ask again, maybe for more. The tax thing sounds incredible, but I've seen it before. I knew someone from a family that was, shall we say, somewhat less organized about financial matters than average. At the time, the children were all young adults, in their 20s, university students or working at the kind of jobs many people do when starting out. One of them, through his girlfriend, started learning about finances and taxes, and told his siblings that if they only filled out the tax paperwork, they'd get government money!!! They had been going through life telling themselves they didn't earn enough to bother with taxes, and didn't realize that their incomes were so low that they were entitled to certain tax rebates if they only filled out the forms documenting their income. At least they, unlike your mother and stepfather, could learn.

Comment from u/Dear_Equivalent_9692

NTA.  You know giving them money is "helping" them as much as handing a drink to an alcoholic is helping. Your mom wants to drag you down the same hole her and stepdad live in. Don't take the bait.

Comment from u/Adventurous-Fly-7543

NTAH. $200 will not be enough, and you know it. A panicky, drowning person can drag down their rescuer (if the person doesn’t know the right techniques)…. Your parents need an income capable of supporting 2 people. You are young, just starting out, and trying to responsibly support yourself. You are not going to be able to support the two of them financially. And between the taxes, the legal consequences of not doing their taxes, and the paperwork burdens to get them assistance — the burden on your time will not end. They are sick, but when they were well, they made choices that got them where they are today. And it doesn’t sound as if they really want to be saved from drowning.

This is also like when an OP asked their sibling to repay basic living-expense debt, even after the pandemic left them struggling, in Should I Expect Repayment? Dealing with Sibling Debt.

Comment from u/No_Philosopher_1870

NTA. Is there any way that you can sit down with her and guide her through the forms, or do it over Zoom or the phone? I've helped a few friends and family members apply for benefits. There is something about filling out the paperwork that makes people's brains shut down, if only because it makes them see with their situation more clearly. You may be in a situation where you have to ask your mother what weekend is best for her to fill out the forms, and be prepared to walk away if she is not cooperative. Is it a question of her fearing stigma by applying for public benefits?

Comment from u/princess_fartstool

Oh, Sweetheart… you’re not an a*****e and you’re trying your best to manage life for yourself in unstable times and without a foundation of knowledge that parents are supposed to provide their kids before they launch. As a mother of an almost 18 year old, I have nightmares of him going into the world already and what I must do to continue preparing him. The best advice I can give is to help your parents fill out the necessary paperwork and be honest about the toll this is all taking on you mentally and otherwise. If they do not make any effort to at least *try* to change, you may need to look at how to protect yourself emotionally. Sometimes a little distance is exactly what’s needed in familial relationships. Big hugs to you. I may just be a random from Reddit but you’re always welcome to reach out if you need a safe space or a kind word. You’re doing beautifully and I’m proud of you!

Comment from u/Wolverine97and23

It is her choice! Stop enabling her. NTA!

Comment from u/Significant_Limit_68

NTA. Send money once and it will be expected. Then when you don’t send money, step-dad will say all kinds of nasty selfish things about you being ungrateful, trying to guilt you, etc.

OP also avoids going home and even talking much because those screaming money fights from childhood still mess with her head.

Comment from u/RocketteP

You’re NTA for wanting your mom to apply for assistance nor giving her money as she’s been irresponsible. I get not wanting to put on your social worker hat with her or any family, also a social worker and it can get frustrating when people either think you can fix their situation or handhold them through it. But does your mom have any shame around applying for social assistance? Given she has chronic fatigue, would she not also qualify for long term disability? Im not sure which province you’re working in but does your mom or stepdad have any prescription drugs covered? Are they living in an apartment ent or house? Have they looked into housing if they’re in apartment? One of the hardest things imho is trying to be objective when it comes to family and drawing your own boundaries. You need to do what’s best for you. Sometimes that means allowing loved ones to deal with the consequences of their own actions or lack thereof.

Comment from u/Content_wanderer

Firstly, well done for breaking a long and difficult cycle! That’s amazing. You deserve acknowledgment for that. You also are totally entitled to feel your completely valid feelings of frustration with your mom’s seeming refusal to help herself. I would hope though, that as a social worker, you would be aware of all the various complex factors that go in to holding a person back, and preventing them from breaking their own cycles. I do NOT think you’re an a*****e, and I do NOT think you should send her money if you don’t want to. I wonder if you can connect her with a colleague, someone in the system to help her in a professional capacity?

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

Studies in family psychology show that financial support can sometimes enable irresponsible behavior, creating a cycle of dependency that can be harmful.

Recognizing this pattern allows individuals to make more informed decisions about their financial contributions to family members.

Addressing these dynamics openly can lead to healthier family interactions and relationships.

Setting boundaries around financial support is crucial for maintaining healthy family dynamics.

This collaborative approach can foster mutual respect and understanding.

Research indicates that families who engage in open discussions about financial expectations are better equipped to navigate challenges and conflicts.

This practice not only reduces misunderstandings but also strengthens family relationships.

By prioritizing healthy communication, families can address financial issues more effectively.

Exploring the Emotional Burden of Financial Support

The emotional burden of supporting financially irresponsible family members can lead to significant stress and anxiety.

By acknowledging the emotional impact of financial decisions, families can create a more supportive environment for everyone involved.

The real sticking point is that OP says her mom is capable of filling out the applications herself, so OP is wondering if refusing makes her the bad guy.

Creating a space for open dialogue about finances allows family members to express their concerns and feelings, leading to healthier dynamics.

This process can foster greater understanding and compassion among family members.

Creating a Culture of Accountability

Encouraging financial accountability within families is essential for promoting responsible behavior.

This transparency can prevent feelings of resentment and promote healthier family dynamics.

In the case of the original poster, the decision to withhold financial support from her parents stems from a lifetime of instability and conflict. Growing up in a household marked by financial mismanagement and heated arguments, it is understandable that she would prioritize her own well-being over her parents' irresponsible behaviors. The article illustrates the emotional toll that such dynamics can take, emphasizing the need for boundaries in family relationships. By refusing to enable her parents' financial irresponsibility, she takes a stand for her own financial health while also highlighting the importance of accountability. This situation serves as a reminder that fostering responsibility within family units is essential for long-term harmony and support.

Studies show that financial irresponsibility can lead to significant emotional distress for those who feel burdened by another's actions.

This underscores the importance of open communication about financial expectations.

Establishing boundaries is crucial in navigating financial relationships, particularly when one party feels taken advantage of.

Recognizing and communicating these boundaries can help prevent future conflicts.

It’s beneficial for families to engage in open conversations about financial expectations and responsibilities.

Empathy plays a crucial role in financial discussions, particularly when addressing sensitive topics like responsibility.

Studies show that expressing understanding and compassion can significantly reduce tensions during financial conversations.

Ultimately, addressing financial irresponsibility requires a combination of effective communication, boundary-setting, and empathy.

By prioritizing understanding and accountability, families can create a more harmonious environment.

The tension experienced in her childhood home, marked by intense battles over money, underscores the necessity for open communication and empathy when addressing these issues.

The article illustrates how the lack of accountability among family members can lead to a cycle of financial instability, as seen in the original poster's reluctance to support her financially irresponsible parents. Establishing boundaries is crucial, as it not only protects one's own financial well-being but also encourages a healthier dynamic that fosters responsibility among family members.

Ultimately, by adopting these strategies, families can work toward creating an environment that supports both individual growth and collective stability, allowing all members to thrive rather than struggle under the weight of financial mismanagement.

The family keeps asking for cash, but OP is done paying for everyone else’s refusal to plan.

For a different kind of money fight, see how a roommate handled a partner overstaying and rent demands in Roommate Dilemma: Should I Ask for Rent Increase Due to Partners Extended Stay?.