Am I Wrong for Supporting My Dad in the Divorce Despite His Infidelity?

Supporting your dad during a divorce feels like it should be simple, until your mom turns the whole thing into a full-time surveillance operation. The poster is 17, watching her parents split after her dad’s affair, and trying to keep her life steady while the emotional fallout hits nonstop.

What makes it messy is the way her mom reacts: voice recorders in every vehicle, cameras around the house, including one pointed toward her bedroom, and constant tracking of her dad’s phone location. On top of that, her mom still has access to his accounts through the recovery email, and she allegedly follows him at all hours when she thinks he’s meeting someone else.

Then, just to add gasoline, the mom starts grilling her about her girlfriend, and the argument sparks the real question: is she wrong for standing by her dad?

Original Post

My dad (52M) and my mom (49F) separated nearly 8 months ago due to my dad having an affair. I (17F) understand that my dad is in the wrong and that cheating is never okay, but recently I’ve found myself resenting my mom due to her reaction to the divorce.

She has been putting voice recorders in all of our vehicles, including mine. There is no way to know where else these are hidden; it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk out loud, even in my own home.

She also put cameras all around our house, hoping to catch my dad since he is no longer allowed in our home. She even put one directly in front of my bedroom, which has not been removed, even though I told her it seemed weird to me, especially since I’ve given her no reason not to trust me and didn’t see a purpose behind putting a camera there.

My dad had to buy a new phone since she could still log into his Apple ID and would go through it, as well as log into his Facebook and other social media accounts. Her email was the recovery email for all his passwords, seeing as my dad has never been good with technology.

Even after buying a new phone, she somehow still has access to his location. I’m not sure how, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she had an AirTag or tracker of sorts somewhere. She checks his location religiously and will leave at all hours of the day to follow him if she thinks he is going to meet another woman.

The reason I’m asking if I’m the asshole is that my mom and I recently got into an argument. I’ve had a strained relationship with her since she found out I was gay about a year ago, but we are civil and just don’t talk about it.

This argument started because she was questioning me about my relationship with my girlfriend (18F) and trying to tell me that she wasn’t good for me. I was annoyed with her because I try not to talk about my girlfriend around her to avoid conflict.

When she brought it up, I responded without thinking and said, “I don’t think you should be giving out relationship advice.” She immediately started crying and saying it wasn’t her fault and that I shouldn’t hold that over her. I left the room, but later we were watching TV, and she reignited the issue by venting to me about Dad and kept mentioning how he would probably marry “some whore” and just fully trash-talking my dad to me, saying how horrible he was to her.

I know she’s upset, but I wish she wouldn’t vent to me about this situation because I still love my dad and would rather not be involved. I tried to switch the topic, but she doubled down, so I said, “It doesn’t really matter who he marries.” This upset her, and she accused me of not caring at all that they split and then told me I was just like him and didn’t have any emotions.

At this point, I was angry with her, and I said I would rather be like my dad than her, and I could understand why Dad would want to be with someone else. Now she is accusing me of siding with my dad and excusing his actions.

Loyalty conflicts often arise during family disputes, particularly in divorce situations.

Individuals may feel torn between supporting one parent and maintaining a relationship with the other parent, leading to significant emotional distress.

Studies have shown that these conflicts can result in long-lasting psychological impacts, including anxiety and depressive symptoms.

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That’s when the mom’s “protecting the family” routine stops feeling protective and starts feeling like a trap, especially with the voice recorder in OP’s own car.

Furthermore, research in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that children of divorced parents often experience divided loyalties, which can complicate their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

This dynamic can create a cycle of conflict where individuals feel pressured to choose sides, often resulting in resentment and guilt.

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To navigate these complex emotions, psychologists recommend practicing emotional validation, where individuals acknowledge their feelings without judgment.

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The camera right outside OP’s bedroom is what really turns the divorce into something personal, because OP told her it felt weird and it never got removed.

Additionally, developing emotional intelligence can enhance one’s ability to manage these conflicts effectively.

Individuals who can identify and understand their emotions are better equipped to handle relational stressors.

This skill can be particularly beneficial in high-stakes family situations where emotions run high.

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Establishing open dialogue within families can foster healthier relationships and reduce feelings of guilt or shame.

Encouraging family members to express their feelings and concerns can help create a supportive environment where everyone feels heard.

Research shows that families who engage in regular communication are better equipped to handle conflicts and resolve issues collaboratively.

It also reminds me of the coworker who refused to accommodate strict dietary restrictions at a team dinner.

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Meanwhile, her mom still has a way back into her dad’s Apple ID and social media, and OP notices the location checks never really stop.

Moreover, employing conflict resolution strategies can help mitigate tensions during emotional disputes.

This approach can help family members navigate conflicts without escalating animosities, fostering a spirit of cooperation.

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Ultimately, recognizing the complexities of loyalty and emotional conflict can lead to healthier family interactions during divorce situations.

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So when her mom starts questioning OP’s relationship with her girlfriend and trying to push her away, the argument lands on top of everything else that’s already broken trust.

We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

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In this intricate family drama, the struggle between loyalty to a parent and the emotional fallout of infidelity is palpable. The protagonist's support for their father, despite his betrayal, highlights the complex web of emotions in play. The mother's extreme reactions, such as her invasive measures like placing voice recorders in vehicles, suggest a desperate attempt to regain control amidst chaos. This situation underscores the importance of fostering open dialogues and validating feelings among family members. By acknowledging these emotional dynamics, there is potential for healing and rebuilding relationships that have been fractured by betrayal.

OP might be defending her dad, but at this point, her mom’s behavior is making everyone lose their minds.

Wait until you read about a family using their daughter’s inheritance for luxury spending instead of paying bills.