Am I Wrong for Supporting My Dad in the Divorce Despite His Infidelity?

Are you the asshole for supporting your dad in the divorce, even though he cheated? The situation is complex—your dad's infidelity, your mom's extreme reactions, and your strained relationship with her all play a part.

Your mom's invasive actions, like putting voice recorders in vehicles and cameras around the house, are questionable. Her tracking of your dad's location and venting to you about him can be emotionally challenging.

You find yourself caught in the middle of their turmoil, with your mom accusing you of siding with your dad. The Reddit community weighs in, with some saying everyone's at fault (ESH), while others empathize with your predicament (NTA).

The comments delve into the nuances of the situation, highlighting the toxicity in your parents' behaviors and the impact on you as a minor. Your mom's stalking behavior and emotional manipulation are concerning, and your dad's cheating is not excusable.

People advise seeking therapy and setting boundaries to navigate this tumultuous family dynamic. As a teenager, it's tough to handle such adult issues, but remember, you have a right to love both your parents and prioritize your well-being amidst their conflict.

Original Post

My dad (52M) and my mom (49F) separated nearly 8 months ago due to my dad having an affair. I (17F) understand that my dad is in the wrong and that cheating is never okay, but recently I’ve found myself resenting my mom due to her reaction to the divorce.

She has been putting voice recorders in all of our vehicles, including mine. There is no way to know where else these are hidden; it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk out loud, even in my own home.

She also put cameras all around our house, hoping to catch my dad since he is no longer allowed in our home. She even put one directly in front of my bedroom, which has not been removed, even though I told her it seemed weird to me, especially since I’ve given her no reason not to trust me and didn’t see a purpose behind putting a camera there.

My dad had to buy a new phone since she could still log into his Apple ID and would go through it, as well as log into his Facebook and other social media accounts. Her email was the recovery email for all his passwords, seeing as my dad has never been good with technology.

Even after buying a new phone, she somehow still has access to his location. I’m not sure how, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she had an AirTag or tracker of sorts somewhere. She checks his location religiously and will leave at all hours of the day to follow him if she thinks he is going to meet another woman.

The reason I’m asking if I’m the asshole is that my mom and I recently got into an argument. I’ve had a strained relationship with her since she found out I was gay about a year ago, but we are civil and just don’t talk about it.

This argument started because she was questioning me about my relationship with my girlfriend (18F) and trying to tell me that she wasn’t good for me. I was annoyed with her because I try not to talk about my girlfriend around her to avoid conflict.

When she brought it up, I responded without thinking and said, “I don’t think you should be giving out relationship advice.” She immediately started crying and saying it wasn’t her fault and that I shouldn’t hold that over her. I left the room, but later we were watching TV, and she reignited the issue by venting to me about Dad and kept mentioning how he would probably marry “some whore” and just fully trash-talking my dad to me, saying how horrible he was to her.

I know she’s upset, but I wish she wouldn’t vent to me about this situation because I still love my dad and would rather not be involved. I tried to switch the topic, but she doubled down, so I said, “It doesn’t really matter who he marries.” This upset her, and she accused me of not caring at all that they split and then told me I was just like him and didn’t have any emotions.

At this point, I was angry with her, and I said I would rather be like my dad than her, and I could understand why Dad would want to be with someone else. Now she is accusing me of siding with my dad and excusing his actions.

Understanding Family Loyalty and Conflict

Dr. Emily Carter, a family dynamics researcher, notes that loyalty conflicts often arise during family disputes, particularly in divorce situations.

Individuals may feel torn between supporting one parent and maintaining a relationship with the other parent, leading to significant emotional distress.

Studies have shown that these conflicts can result in long-lasting psychological impacts, including anxiety and depressive symptoms.

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Furthermore, research in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that children of divorced parents often experience divided loyalties, which can complicate their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

This dynamic can create a cycle of conflict where individuals feel pressured to choose sides, often resulting in resentment and guilt.

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Navigating Complex Emotions

To navigate these complex emotions, psychologists recommend practicing emotional validation, where individuals acknowledge their feelings without judgment.

This approach can foster a sense of understanding and reduce feelings of isolation and confusion.

Research indicates that emotional validation can improve mental health outcomes and promote healthier coping mechanisms.

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Additionally, developing emotional intelligence can enhance one’s ability to manage these conflicts effectively.

According to Dr. Daniel Goleman’s research on emotional intelligence, individuals who can identify and understand their emotions are better equipped to handle relational stressors.

This skill can be particularly beneficial in high-stakes family situations where emotions run high.

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The Importance of Open Dialogue

Establishing open dialogue within families can foster healthier relationships and reduce feelings of guilt or shame.

Encouraging family members to express their feelings and concerns can help create a supportive environment where everyone feels heard.

Research shows that families who engage in regular communication are better equipped to handle conflicts and resolve issues collaboratively.

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Moreover, employing conflict resolution strategies can help mitigate tensions during emotional disputes.

Psychological studies highlight the effectiveness of focusing on shared goals and interests to facilitate collaboration and understanding.

This approach can help family members navigate conflicts without escalating animosities, fostering a spirit of cooperation.

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Ultimately, recognizing the complexities of loyalty and emotional conflict can lead to healthier family interactions during divorce situations.

By prioritizing open dialogue and emotional validation, individuals can create a more supportive family environment that fosters healing and connection.

This proactive approach can significantly reduce the psychological burden associated with family disputes.

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We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the intricacies of family loyalty during divorce. It's crucial to recognize the emotional turmoil involved and approach these discussions with sensitivity and care.

Encouraging open conversations can help alleviate feelings of guilt and foster healthier family dynamics.

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Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating loyalty conflicts during family crises requires a nuanced understanding of emotional dynamics.

Prioritizing open communication and emotional validation can greatly enhance family interactions, ultimately leading to healthier relationships.