8 Habits a Therapist Says Could Be Sabotaging Your Relationship Without You Knowing It

Relationships are the great balancing act of life. They’re messy, beautiful, complicated, and sometimes frustratingly hard to figure out.

Think about it: from the dizzying highs of first dates to the quiet comfort of familiarity, relationships are like a dance where each step matters. But let’s face it, even the best of us stumble sometimes.

Ever had an argument over something trivial and realized halfway through that it wasn’t really about the thing you were fighting about? Or felt your blood boil because your partner left the cap off the toothpaste again?

Relationships can feel like navigating a minefield, but what if the real danger isn’t in the dramatic blow-ups but in the quiet, repetitive behaviors that erode trust over time?

Enter Dr. Nicole LePera, a couples therapist with a knack for cutting through the fluff. Dr. LePera recently shared on Twitter the eight patterns she’s observed in relationships that didn’t make it, and, spoiler alert, most of us are guilty of at least one (or five). It’s the kind of list that makes you pause, reflect, and maybe even squirm a little. But hey, the first step toward growth is self-awareness, right?

So, what are these eight sneaky saboteurs? Buckle up—it’s time to see how many sound uncomfortably familiar.

1. Resist the Urge to Assume the Worst.

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Picture this: your partner is five minutes late, and your brain instantly leaps to, “They don’t care about me!” or worse, “They must be up to something shady.” Sound familiar? Assuming the worst about your partner’s intentions not only creates unnecessary conflict but also erodes trust.

Dr. LePera reminds us that curiosity, not accusation, should be our default. Trust is earned, yes, but it also has to be given in good faith.

Practical Steps for Improvement

Incorporating mindfulness practices can significantly enhance relationship quality. Relationship therapists recommend that couples engage in shared mindfulness exercises, which can improve emotional regulation and communication. Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist known for his work on interpersonal neurobiology, emphasizes the importance of presence in relationships.

He advises couples to set aside time for 'mindful moments,' where they can connect without distractions. Simple practices like sharing gratitude or reflecting on positive experiences can reinforce emotional bonds and reduce misunderstandings, leading to healthier interactions.

2. Trying to Change Your Partner

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Oh, the classic “fixer-upper” mindset. Whether it’s subtle nudges or outright ultimatums, trying to mold your partner into your ideal version of them rarely works. Instead, it breeds resentment—on both sides. People change when they want to, not because they’re someone’s pet project.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

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Understanding Relationship Sabotage

Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, emphasizes that negative communication patterns are often the silent killers of relationships. His research at the Gottman Institute shows that criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. These behaviors not only create emotional distance but also erode trust over time.

To counteract these patterns, couples should practice active listening and express appreciation regularly. Building a 'culture of appreciation' fosters resilience in relationships, allowing partners to navigate conflicts more effectively.

Thanks, Disney, for making us think love is all fireworks and fairy tales. In reality, relationships involve effort, compromise, and sometimes a lot of boring day-to-day stuff.

Dr. LePera points out that maturity in love means embracing both the highs and the humdrum moments.

4. Avoiding Conflict

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Think never fighting is a sign of a healthy relationship? Think again. Avoiding disagreements often leads to suppressed feelings that eventually explode.

Healthy conflict, handled with respect and care, is vital for growth and understanding.

5. Defensiveness and Deflection

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No one likes to be wrong, but doubling down on defensiveness instead of owning up to mistakes only deepens divides. Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” can work wonders.

6. External Validation

Therapists often observe that unaddressed emotional baggage can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. A relationship expert pointed out that unresolved issues from past relationships may resurface, influencing current dynamics. This phenomenon can cause partners to react defensively, even to benign comments.

Dr. Susan David, a psychologist specializing in emotional agility, suggests that acknowledging these triggers can help couples navigate these challenges. By discussing past experiences openly, partners can foster understanding and empathy, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth.

If you’re more concerned about how your relationship looks to others than how it feels, that’s a red flag. Your connection should prioritize the two of you—not the peanut gallery.

7. Holding Grudges

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If every disagreement ends with “Remember when you…,” it’s time to reevaluate. Dragging past arguments into the present prevents healing. Resolve, forgive, and move forward—your relationship will thank you.

8. Poor Family Boundaries

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Over-involving family in your relationship can create friction and distrust. Your partner needs to know they’re your priority, not competing with your mom’s opinion or your sibling’s two cents.

Dr. LePera’s insights aren’t just a mirror for our flaws—they’re a map for change. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking the cycle and building a stronger, healthier connection.

Relationships are hard, sure, but they’re also worth the effort. From today, why not resolve to ditch these destructive patterns and give love its best shot? After all, the odds are ever in your favor when you choose growth over grudges.

Professional Assessment & Guidance

Understanding the habits that may sabotage relationships is crucial for long-term success. Experts like Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned for his work on the five love languages, suggest that recognizing each partner's love language can transform how affection and support are expressed.

By actively working to understand and adapt to each other's needs, couples can mitigate negative patterns and enhance their emotional connection. With consistent effort and open communication, partners can build stronger, more resilient relationships that thrive in the face of challenges.