Balancing Hobbies: Am I Selfish For Focusing On My Own?

Are you the jerk for focusing only on planning your hobbies? A Reddit user seeks advice after their partner accused them of being selfish for not organizing activities that cater to their partner's interests.

The user, who is disabled, finds joy in hiking and mountaineering, while their partner recently confessed that they don't actually enjoy these activities but participate because they like seeing the user happy. Despite this revelation, the partner expects the user to plan activities like paddleboarding, which the user finds physically challenging.

The user explains that they enjoy planning their own hobbies as a way to cope with suspected ADHD and that planning activities they aren't fully engaged in is mentally taxing. The partner argues that since the user enjoys planning, they should also plan for their hobbies.

Users on the thread debate whether the user is in the wrong for not accommodating their partner's hobbies and if the partner is being unreasonable in expecting the user to take on the planning responsibilities. Some commenters sympathize with the user's position, emphasizing that the partner should take the initiative to plan activities they enjoy.

Others criticize the partner for shifting the mental load onto the user and not respecting their boundaries. What's your take on the situation?

Original Post

I (36f) have been with my partner for 7 years (29m). I introduced him to my outdoor hobbies, mainly hiking and mountaineering and he seemed to enjoy it.

I'm disabled and can struggle on the walks, but I enjoy the experience no matter how difficult. He finds the walks extremely easy, even on aretes and scrambles.

We started exploring some other hobbies together, ike rock climbing, archery and paddleboarding. He really fell in love with paddleboarding but I find it interferes with my health too much to find it enjoyable.

Carrying the paddleboards is extremely difficult, and we rely on public transport. He recently revealed he doesn't enjoy hiking, he just "enjoys my enjoyment" but had no real interest.

We took on the Wainwright challenge of 214 peaks years before he told me this, and we've slowly been working our way through them. I try to plan a few every year, weather and health dependent.

Last year, he blew up at me after I got too excited about travelling through the mountains I love to climb, and said I'm selfish because I only plan for my own hobbies. I told him he is welcome to plan paddleboarding and whilst I may not join in, I'll come along.

He said he's no good at planning, but because I enjoy planning (I have suspected adhd and lists/admin have a calming/slowing effect on my thoughts), and often make detailed plans of things that aren't possible for me to do, but I would love to do in an alternative reality. I explained I enjoyed making my own plans, but they're still mentally taxing and it's difficult to do for an activity I'm not fully engaged with.

He said if I can make plans I know I'm never going to follow through, I can plan for a day paddleboarding. He does struggle to make plans, especially with the detail needed and finding all of the correct information and current laws (a lot of outdoor hobbies flirt with trespass and depend on animal law, which changes each season) He said he has always supported me through my hobbies and hiking, helping me pay for travel and any additional things i nees because of disability, and just wants his hobbies to matter too.

AITA for only planning my own hobbies?

Understanding the Dynamics of Shared Hobbies

In relationships, shared hobbies and interests often serve as a foundation for connection. Research from the University of Chicago indicates that couples who engage in shared activities report greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

However, when one partner feels their interests are sidelined, it can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict.

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Studies in the Journal of Relationships Research suggest that individual hobbies are equally important as they allow for personal growth and self-expression. Balancing individual interests with shared activities can enhance overall relationship dynamics.

It's essential for partners to recognize and appreciate each other's passions, fostering a supportive environment for both shared and individual pursuits.

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Strategies for Balancing Individual and Shared Interests

To address concerns about shared versus individual hobbies, couples should engage in open conversations about their interests and preferences. Research shows that communicating desires and expectations can reduce misunderstandings and enhance relationship satisfaction.

Setting aside time to explore each other’s hobbies can create opportunities for bonding while respecting individual passions.

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Additionally, consider planning joint activities that incorporate both partners' interests. This collaborative approach can foster a sense of teamwork and strengthen the relationship, allowing both individuals to feel valued and included.

By prioritizing communication and mutual respect, couples can navigate these dynamics more effectively, ensuring that both partners feel fulfilled.

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We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation reflects the common struggle couples face in balancing individual interests with shared activities. Understanding the importance of both dynamics can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction.

Encouraging open dialogue about hobbies and preferences is essential for fostering a supportive and fulfilling partnership.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In summary, balancing shared and individual hobbies is crucial for maintaining relationship satisfaction. Research indicates that open communication about interests can enhance understanding and reduce conflicts.

By fostering an environment of mutual respect and support, couples can navigate their hobbies effectively, ensuring that both partners feel valued and fulfilled.