Balancing Hobbies: Am I Selfish For Focusing On My Own?

For seven years, this woman and her boyfriend built a whole life around the outdoors, hiking peaks together, chasing summits, and celebrating the tiny wins on tough days. Then, a fight over paddleboarding plans turned their “shared hobby” into something way more personal.

She is disabled, and hiking can be hard, but she loves it anyway. He, on the other hand, says he enjoys her enjoyment, not the actual hiking, and he gets passionate about paddleboarding, even though she physically struggles with it and they have to rely on public transport to make it happen. When she keeps planning mountain travel for the Wainwright challenge, he snaps that she is selfish because she only plans for herself.

Now he is questioning whether he is supported, and she is wondering if her love of lists and mountain days is the real problem.

Original Post

I (36f) have been with my partner for 7 years (29m). I introduced him to my outdoor hobbies, mainly hiking and mountaineering and he seemed to enjoy it.

I'm disabled and can struggle on the walks, but I enjoy the experience no matter how difficult. He finds the walks extremely easy, even on aretes and scrambles.

We started exploring some other hobbies together, ike rock climbing, archery and paddleboarding. He really fell in love with paddleboarding but I find it interferes with my health too much to find it enjoyable.

Carrying the paddleboards is extremely difficult, and we rely on public transport. He recently revealed he doesn't enjoy hiking, he just "enjoys my enjoyment" but had no real interest.

We took on the Wainwright challenge of 214 peaks years before he told me this, and we've slowly been working our way through them. I try to plan a few every year, weather and health dependent.

Last year, he blew up at me after I got too excited about travelling through the mountains I love to climb, and said I'm selfish because I only plan for my own hobbies. I told him he is welcome to plan paddleboarding and whilst I may not join in, I'll come along.

He said he's no good at planning, but because I enjoy planning (I have suspected adhd and lists/admin have a calming/slowing effect on my thoughts), and often make detailed plans of things that aren't possible for me to do, but I would love to do in an alternative reality. I explained I enjoyed making my own plans, but they're still mentally taxing and it's difficult to do for an activity I'm not fully engaged with.

He said if I can make plans I know I'm never going to follow through, I can plan for a day paddleboarding. He does struggle to make plans, especially with the detail needed and finding all of the correct information and current laws (a lot of outdoor hobbies flirt with trespass and depend on animal law, which changes each season) He said he has always supported me through my hobbies and hiking, helping me pay for travel and any additional things i nees because of disability, and just wants his hobbies to matter too.

AITA for only planning my own hobbies?

In relationships, shared hobbies and interests often serve as a foundation for connection. Research from the University of Chicago indicates that couples who engage in shared activities report greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

However, when one partner feels their interests are sidelined, it can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict.

Comment from u/Boddokki

Comment from u/JeepersCreepers74

The moment he says he “enjoys my enjoyment” instead of hiking, the vibe shifts from partner goals to a quiet mismatch.

Studies in the Journal of Relationships Research suggest that individual hobbies are equally important as they allow for personal growth and self-expression. Balancing individual interests with shared activities can enhance overall relationship dynamics.

It's essential for partners to recognize and appreciate each other's passions, fostering a supportive environment for both shared and individual pursuits.

Comment from u/DinaFelice

Comment from u/lihzee

Everything gets messier after the paddleboard blowup, when carrying boards and planning around her health suddenly becomes a fight, not fun.

It’s a lot like the Reddit user considering asking her overbearing mom to move out for privacy.

Strategies for Balancing Individual and Shared Interests

To address concerns about shared versus individual hobbies, couples should engage in open conversations about their interests and preferences. Research shows that communicating desires and expectations can reduce misunderstandings and enhance relationship satisfaction.

Setting aside time to explore each other’s hobbies can create opportunities for bonding while respecting individual passions.

Comment from u/agiantwasteoftime

Comment from u/elgrn1

The Wainwright challenge, 214 peaks, years in the making, becomes the backdrop for a new accusation, selfish planning.

Additionally, consider planning joint activities that incorporate both partners' interests.

Comment from u/Foofieness

Comment from u/ViolaVetch75

And when she offers to come along even if she cannot paddleboard, his “I’m no good at planning” turns into a weapon instead of a compromise.

We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

Comment from u/flamingofast

In the context of the Reddit user's dilemma, the challenge of balancing personal and shared interests emerges as a significant theme. The user's love for hiking and mountaineering, while fulfilling for them, raises questions about the inclusivity of their partner's interests. Open communication about hobbies becomes essential, as it can bridge the gap between individual passions and shared experiences.

By prioritizing dialogue around each other's interests, the couple can cultivate a space where both partners feel acknowledged. This mutual respect not only helps in managing hobbies but also contributes to a more satisfying and harmonious relationship, allowing both individuals to pursue what they love without feelings of guilt or selfishness.

He might be happier if he stops treating her mountain plans like a personal attack.

For another “don’t make my moment about you” fight, read why a woman hid pregnancy cravings from her sister.