Exhausted Daughter Bluntly Tells Absentee Mom She Would Not Care For Her When She Grows Old
The young woman depended on her dad while her mom battled addiction.
A 23-year-old has never had a smooth relationship with her distant mother. Her dad has been OP's primary parent since her parents divorced when she was 2.
OP said her dad sacrificed his personal life and remained single to focus on parenting and supporting her. He provided for her and ensured she went to college.
Her mom, on the other hand, remarried. The relationship started well, and her mom was stable enough to attempt to gain custody of OP.
Unfortunately, she and her husband fell into addiction when they associated with the wrong crowd. Her mom divorced her second husband when OP was 11.
Since then, her life has taken a turn for the worse. She has been unable to get back on her feet long enough to find and maintain a job.
Her mom was imprisoned for two years while OP was in school for drug possession. OP had hoped that her mom would turn her life around after serving her sentence but was sorely disappointed.
Her mom professed her love for OP endlessly and promised to provide for her. OP eventually learned that these promises were hollow.
She now complains when OP doesn't spend more time with her. She nags even when OP explains her packed schedule as she juggles her studies, work, and home life.
Her mom doesn't want to visit her at her house. OP refuses to see her mom in random places, surrounded by other people with substance abuse issues.
OP's mom feels jealous when she spends time with her dad and his relatives.
Extreme_Metal_6557She got upset when OP reminded her that she was an adult who didn't need her mom the same way 12-year-old OP did.
Extreme_Metal_6557The Psychological Impact of Abandonment
The daughter's refusal to care for her absentee mother reflects deep psychological themes around abandonment and emotional betrayal. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher, "The quality of our relationships is often shaped by our early experiences," which suggests that individuals with a history of inconsistent caregiving may develop significant trust issues, leading to a reluctance to engage in caregiving roles themselves. This situation highlights the complex interplay between past experiences and present responsibilities.
In this case, the daughter may view her mother's absence as a form of emotional neglect, complicating her feelings about providing care in the future.
When her mom said that OP should care for her when she's older, OP bluntly said she wouldn't because her mom didn't do the same for her.
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A commenter made a wild leap and speculated whether her mom's addiction was caused by abuse.
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The Impact of Family Dynamics
The reluctance to care for an absentee mother reflects deeper issues within family dynamics, particularly related to attachment and loyalty. A family therapist points out that feelings of abandonment can lead to significant emotional conflict when it comes to caregiving responsibilities.
Research shows that individuals who have experienced parental neglect often struggle with feelings of resentment and obligation towards their parents. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, these conflicting feelings can significantly impact decisions about caregiving during later life stages.
OP clarified the circumstances and strongly denied that her dad abused her mom.
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A majority of Redditors were on OP's side. They congratulated her for knowing and establishing her boundaries with her mom.
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Additionally, the stress of caregiving can be particularly overwhelming for those who feel unsupported or unacknowledged in their efforts. Studies in psychology suggest that individuals who have experienced abandonment may feel resentment when expected to fulfill caregiving roles for those who have not been there for them. This emotional burden can lead to a sense of obligation that feels more like a punishment than a choice.
Ultimately, these feelings can create significant tension and conflict between family members.
OP said she considered cutting her mom off completely, but she couldn't handle not knowing how she was doing.
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It could help if OP reframed their relationship and approached her mom differently.
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This situation also highlights the psychological concept of conditional love, where a child's affection is based on the parent's behavior. Studies indicate that children who perceive their parents as emotionally unavailable may develop a complex relationship with caregiving, often feeling that their love is contingent upon fulfilling specific roles.
According to research from the University of Michigan, these dynamics can lead to emotional burnout in adulthood, especially when the child feels obligated to care for a parent who has been largely absent.
OP said she would try befriending her mom instead of expecting her to behave as a parent.
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Another commenter suggested treating her mom as an acquaintance instead of a friend. OP could care about her mom from a distance.
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Navigating Complex Family Dynamics
In situations where family dynamics are strained, open communication is crucial. Research shows that expressing one's feelings in a constructive manner can lead to healthier family relationships. The daughter might benefit from articulating her feelings about her mother's absence, framing it in a way that emphasizes her emotional struggles rather than placing blame.
Such conversations may help bridge the gap between their experiences and foster understanding, potentially leading to a more supportive relationship in the future.
Others advocated for complete no-contact between OP and her mom.
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OP admitted that she always comes out emotionally drained after interacting with her mom.
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Addressing Guilt and Obligation
Feelings of guilt can complicate decisions about caregiving, especially when societal norms dictate that children should care for their parents. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist, emphasizes that "the pressure to fulfill familial obligations can lead to significant internal conflict." Research highlighted by Dr. Solomon on her website suggests that individuals often grapple with feelings of duty versus desire, creating an emotional tug-of-war that can lead to stress and anxiety.
Psychological Analysis
This conflict illustrates the emotional turmoil that can arise from complex family relationships. It’s essential for individuals to reflect on their feelings and needs when considering caregiving roles, especially when past experiences of abandonment are involved.
Recognizing the necessity of self-care and setting boundaries can lead to healthier dynamics and more fulfilling lives.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In conclusion, the decision not to care for an absentee parent reflects deep-seated emotional conflicts rooted in family dynamics. Understanding these dynamics can help individuals navigate feelings of guilt and obligation more effectively.
Research consistently emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and practicing self-compassion to foster healthier relationships and personal well-being.
Psychological Analysis
This situation highlights the intricate dynamics of family relationships, particularly when feelings of abandonment and resentment are involved. It's essential for both parties to acknowledge their emotional experiences and engage in open dialogue about their needs.
Facilitating these conversations can pave the way for healing and a stronger bond in the future.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In summary, navigating the emotional landscape of family dynamics, especially in the face of abandonment, requires a compassionate approach and open communication. By addressing feelings of resentment and exploring forgiveness, both the daughter and her mother can work toward a more supportive relationship.
Ultimately, recognizing the psychological factors at play can facilitate understanding and healing in their journey together.
Furthermore, exploring forgiveness—both for herself and her mother—can be a powerful tool for healing. According to studies in forgiveness psychology, individuals who engage in the forgiveness process often report reduced emotional distress and improved relationships. This doesn’t mean condoning past behaviors but rather freeing oneself from the emotional burdens that come with holding onto resentment.
Encouraging the daughter to engage in therapeutic discussions about her feelings can facilitate this process.
To navigate these feelings, it's essential to establish personal boundaries regarding caregiving. This allows individuals to prioritize their well-being while still acknowledging their family history.
Studies in behavioral psychology suggest that boundaries are crucial for maintaining mental health, especially when dealing with complex family relationships. According to research from the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, setting clear limits can prevent emotional exhaustion and resentment in caregiving situations.
OP's exhaustion and dwindling hope were evident in the last paragraph of her post. She tried everything to help her mom get on the road to recovery, but her efforts didn't yield results.
OP can't be blamed if she can't find it in herself to care for her mother as she ages. OP grew up watching her mom be eclipsed by a disease, and she alone cannot "fix" it.
Promoting Self-Compassion
Practicing self-compassion can play a vital role in alleviating feelings of guilt and obligation. A clinical psychologist emphasizes that self-compassion involves recognizing one's own needs and feelings without judgment.
Research shows that individuals who practice self-compassion are better equipped to cope with difficult family dynamics. A study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that self-compassionate individuals experience lower levels of anxiety and guilt, which can be particularly beneficial in navigating complex caregiving responsibilities.
Practical Steps for Healing and Support
To foster healing within this complex family dynamic, practical steps may involve setting boundaries while also seeking therapeutic support. Establishing clear expectations about caregiving roles can help the daughter feel more in control of her choices. Additionally, engaging in family therapy can provide a structured environment for discussing feelings of abandonment and resentment, allowing for a more supportive dialogue.
Creating a safe space for these conversations can ultimately lead to healing and reconciliation.
