Mother Denies Her Young Adult Daughter Access To College Funds As She Plans To Use It For Her Marriage Instead Of Education

College money can turn into a family flashpoint fast, especially when the plan for that money changes. In this Reddit story, a mother and father spent years saving for their children’s education, only to have their eldest daughter ask for the funds for something very different.

The daughter got pregnant as a teenager, left school, and later started asking her parents for help as money got tight. Things got even messier when she learned there was a college fund with her name on it, while her younger sister was already being told about her own account.

That discovery set off a fight, and the family’s reaction was not exactly calm. Read on.

A mother recently had an argument with her daughter who wanted to use her college funds for her wedding.

via Crosswalk.com

She decided to ask Reddit if refusing to give her daughter the college fund was a wrong decision.

Backstory: I (43F) have 4 kids: El (22F), Katie (17F), Cam (15M), and Isla (5F), and I’m also currently pregnant. My husband (50M) and I started adding to college funds every month for each of our kids pretty much as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I won’t say the exact amount, but my husband has an excellent job, so it’s more than most.SirProfessional4024, zimmytws's Images

Her eldest daughter got pregnant as a teenager.

We never told our kids because it just didn’t feel necessary. El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school. I was very disappointed, but I understood. However, I was under the impression she would return later, but she has no plans to.SirProfessional4024, ilkersener

Financial decisions within families often reflect deeper psychological dynamics. Denying access to resources can signify a power struggle, particularly in situations where one party feels their authority is threatened. Financial control is often linked to issues of trust and autonomy, which can create significant tension within family systems.

The original poster's (OP's) daughter started a family early.

The dad stuck around, and now they have one more kid (3) and one on the way. They are engaged but don’t plan to marry until they can afford it. They were doing okay financially for a while, but due to the current market, they’ve been struggling because El can’t get a job since she doesn’t have a diploma, so we’ve been loaning them money.SirProfessional4024, RyanKing999

Now, the OP's second daughter is going to college. Naturally, she was informed about the college funds.

Katie is a senior and just got accepted into college. We’ve been setting everything up, and obviously, she knows about the fund now.SirProfessional4024, baseimage

The eldest daughter discovers the funds.

Katie and El were talking, and she was telling El about the school. El asked how she was planning on paying for it, and Katie responded, “my college fund.” I was in the room while they were talking, and this made me panic. We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college.SirProfessional4024, bymuratdeniz

That discovery is where the argument really starts to heat up.

Studies published in the Journal of Family Issues indicate that financial disagreements can lead to feelings of resentment and alienation. It's essential for family members to engage in open discussions about financial priorities, particularly when substantial life events like marriage are involved. Understanding each other’s perspectives can help bridge the gap in these conflicts.

The OP's eldest daughter confirmed that college funds were saved for her. Sadly, the mother and daughter got into a fight because of it.

El asked me if they all had one, and I wasn’t going to lie, so I said yes. She got really excited and went to call her fiancé to tell him the good news. I was confused and told her she couldn’t have the money. She asked why, and I said it’s for school. She got upset and left my house.SirProfessional4024, mauro_grigollo

The daughter is begging to get the money, but the OP refused.

The next day, I got a call from El. She was crying and begging me to let her have the funds so she could finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding.I told her she could have the money if she went back to school, and whatever money was left over, she could use for whatever she wanted. She got super mad and started yelling at me, saying it’s her money. I told her that it was MY money and those were my conditions, and she hung up.SirProfessional4024, AntonioGuillem

Everyone thinks she's an a-hole for not giving the money.

Now we are being harassed by her fiancé's family (they aren’t as fortunate as us), calling us assholes and a lot of other names.They say it’s all going to go to waste if she doesn’t use it, we’re setting her up for failure, etc. Now I’m wondering if I’m the asshole because my dad said we should give her the money as we “saved it for her after all.”So am I the asshole?SirProfessional4024, SHVETS production from Pexels

Now the comments are split over whether the mother was being fair or just stubborn.

It’s kind of like the friend who borrowed from a baby fund for a last-minute trip.

Financial independence often plays a crucial role in personal autonomy.

In an update by the OP, she made up with her daughter in the end. Everything ended well for everyone.

UPDATE: (I think this is within the rules; please correct me if it’s not.) My daughter came over on Thursday, and we were able to work things out. We both apologized and had a long discussion. She will be getting her GED and will be going to a trade school in exchange for me giving her whatever money is left over.She hasn’t decided which one yet, but it will probably be cosmetology. Her fiancé's family has apologized. We also decided to pay for a small wedding ceremony and reception as a gift.SirProfessional4024, Melissa Bernardo

While the final verdict was NTA, redditors had mixed feelings about the OP's issue.

LoveBeach8

Compromise with the daughter is still the best way to solve the problem.

TangeloMain9661

Some commenters thought compromise was the only way forward.

A study suggests that when families set mutually agreed-upon guidelines about financial assistance, it can reduce tension and promote healthier relationships. Engaging in family meetings to discuss these topics can enhance understanding and cooperation.

For this Redditor, both sides had faults.

prairieslander

The fiancé's unreasonable reaction to the OP's decision irks some of the Redditors.

InterestingTry5190

The daughter can always use the fund, provided she uses it for her education.

occams1razor

A Redditor thinks that not talking about the funds is an a-hole move.

saintofanything

For this user, using the money for important things, such as a house, is enough reason for the OP to give the funds to her daughter.

saintofanything

Which is more important for the OP?

saintofanything

OP made it clear that the money is to be used for education.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Since the eldest daughter is already an adult, she should think about the future. Going back to school is one of the practical solutions.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU

The daughter needs to complete her education first before thinking about buying a home.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU

This Redditor's advice: Be firm on the decision.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU

We are just glad that the OP and her daughter settled their differences in the end. On top of that, the 22-year-old also decided to continue her studies, which can help her secure better jobs.

What do you think about the situation? Should the OP have agreed to the daughter's wishes at the beginning?

The conflict between the mother and her daughter over college funds underscores the complexities of financial decision-making within families. The mother’s choice to redirect funds intended for her daughter's education towards her own marital plans reflects not only a clash of priorities but also a deeper psychological struggle. This scenario highlights the importance of open dialogue about financial expectations. By encouraging honest conversations regarding financial independence and aspirations, families can work towards a more harmonious understanding. Such proactive engagement is essential to mitigating resentment and fostering stronger familial bonds, especially in high-stakes situations like educational funding.

Before you judge El’s wedding vs education fight, read about a mom refusing to share her baby fund with a sibling in need.