New Neighbor Misses Community Event for TV Show, Then Throws a Fit for Not Getting Special Treatment
Rules were clear, time was set… but somehow it’s still everyone else’s fault
A woman (OP) in the Netherlands recently posted about a conflict over Sint Maarten, a November 11th tradition where children make lanterns, go door to door, and sing for candy.
Her neighborhood has clear rules: kids visit between 6 and 7 PM, and participating houses must have a candle by the door. No candle means no participation.
Just to note, OP is 21 and lives with her parents, who were visiting her sick aunt that evening. In addition, she was working on college projects with an 11 pm deadline.
OP explained that between 6 and 7 PM, she put out a candle, prepared candy, and welcomed singing children. At 7 PM, she blew out the candle, took the remaining three pieces, and returned to work.
Around 9 PM, the doorbell rang. New neighbors with four kids, ages roughly 9 to 15, stood there. The kids started singing with hopes of impressing for some goodies.
When finished, OP explained that the designated hour for the celebration had passed. The mother said they couldn’t come earlier because she couldn’t miss her TV show, and her husband was grocery shopping.
To OP, this wasn’t an excuse, as the rules are repeated continuously in their shared group, every single year.
The mother further claimed that OP’s decorative lights made them think the celebration was still ongoing. At this point, OP had to restate the candle rule, which she expected the mom to know.
All these explanations were to no avail, as the mom insisted that her kids deserved some candy.
Now, OP, being considerate, offered some fruits since her candy wasn’t enough for all the kids. However, the mom wasn’t having it. She wanted candy for her kids and nothing less!
The back-and-forth ended with a closed door, and the mom left with zero candy.
By the next morning, she aired her frustrations on the group chat, saying her kids were disappointed and she expected better from the neighborhood.
Check out the full story below.
Let’s dig into the details
Reddit.comWhere it all began
Reddit.comOP gave out candy within the appointment timeframe, blew out her candles and went back to her projects
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Community Engagement and Conflict Resolution
Community dynamics can often lead to misunderstandings, especially in social events that rely heavily on clear guidelines, as highlighted by conflict resolution expert Dr. William Ury.
He emphasizes the importance of communication and mutual respect in fostering a harmonious community. Ury's research suggests that involving all parties in dialogue can prevent issues from escalating. By ensuring that everyone understands the rules and feels heard, communities can mitigate conflicts and enhance participation.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Conflict often stems from unclear boundaries, which is a topic addressed by Dr. Jennifer Thompson, a psychologist specializing in interpersonal relationships. She advocates for establishing clear expectations among neighbors to prevent misunderstandings.
Creating a neighborhood charter that outlines participation guidelines for events can serve as a foundational tool for future interactions. This proactive approach ensures that everyone is on the same page, promoting a healthier community atmosphere.
Around 9pm, the new neighbors arrived at OP’s door when the celebration was done. Unfortunately, OP refused giving any candy
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After a bit of back and forth about the rules in the neighborhood, OP offered the kids some fruits, as her candy wasn’t enough. But their mom refused
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The next day, the mom crashed out on the group, accusing the neighborhood of exempting her kids from the celebration
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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes that frustration often arises when expectations are misaligned. He explains that individuals in communal settings may feel entitled to certain privileges based on personal circumstances.
This sense of entitlement can create friction among neighbors. Gottman recommends that clear communication of expectations and fostering empathy can significantly reduce misunderstandings and promote a more inclusive community experience.
“NTA. You had nothing to give them and they knew the rules.”
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“NTA. She showed up two hours late. She went to a house without a candle.”
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“NTA. This mother ruined the experience for her children and was extremely rude.”
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Navigating Community Expectations
A recent study by the American Psychological Association emphasizes that understanding community norms is crucial for successful participation in communal events. When individuals grasp the importance of shared guidelines, they are less likely to feel resentment when things don't go as planned.
Community leaders should encourage education on local traditions and rules, ensuring that new members are welcomed and informed. This approach fosters a sense of belonging and accountability, which can mitigate feelings of unfair treatment.
“The mother's message to the group chat was passive-aggressive.”
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“Rules were publicly posted, she didn’t abide. That’s on her.”
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“She is the only person who is to blame for her kids missing out.”
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Dr. Brené Brown, a leading expert on vulnerability and belonging, suggests that acceptance in community settings can be cultivated by acknowledging differences and practicing compassion.
In her research, she highlights how shared experiences, like community events, can strengthen bonds when handled with empathy. Encouraging neighbors to express their feelings, while also listening to others, can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.
“She needs to be humbled by group consensus and put in her place by being reminded of the rules.”
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It’s one thing to miss a neighborhood tradition, but it’s another to ignore the rules and fault someone who followed them.
If the event clearly ran from 6 to 7 PM and everyone knew the signal was a candle, then showing up hours later and expecting special treatment feels unfair.
Still, it raises a question: should community traditions be flexible for newcomers, or is sticking to the rules what keeps them fair for everyone?
What do you think?
Expert Opinion
This situation highlights a common psychological phenomenon known as entitlement, where individuals believe they deserve special treatment or exceptions to rules. The mother’s insistence on candy for her kids, despite clearly missing the designated time, suggests she may struggle with empathy and understanding community norms, prioritizing her own desires over shared expectations. It also reflects a pattern of conflict avoidance, where instead of acknowledging her oversight, she projected blame onto the neighborhood, seeking validation for her disappointment rather than taking responsibility.Moving Forward: Actionable Steps
In conclusion, fostering a thriving community requires both clear communication and emotional intelligence. Experts like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Brené Brown emphasize empathy and understanding as essential tools in navigating conflicts.
By establishing clear guidelines and encouraging open dialogue, communities can cultivate an environment where all members feel respected and valued. Proactive strategies, such as creating a neighborhood charter, can significantly enhance participation and harmony. Ultimately, embracing these principles leads to flourishing relationships within the community.
