Confronting My Boyfriends Ex for Stalking Me: AITA?

In the vast realm of social media, where connections can be both exhilarating and exhausting, one Redditor finds herself entangled in a peculiar drama involving her boyfriend’s ex. For over three years, this woman has noticed her partner’s former love lurking on her social media accounts, seemingly intent on mirroring her online presence.

From adopting similar profile pictures to echoing her emojis and tweets, the ex's behavior raises eyebrows and questions about boundaries in the digital age. The situation escalated when the original poster received an anonymous message accusing her of being a "bad person," prompting her to confront the lurking behavior in a rather unconventional way.

After unblocking the ex and sharing a screenshot of her liking a post, she made it her profile banner, hoping to draw a line in the sand. But now she is left wondering whether her actions were too aggressive and whether she should have just let it go.

As this thread unfolds, the community weighs in on whether she is in the right to call out the ex or should take the high road and ignore the situation. What do you think?

Is there a right way to handle social media drama, or should we simply disengage? Join the conversation!

Original Post

My boyfriend’s ex has been lurking on my socials for years. I have been with my partner over three years.

I first noticed it when we started dating because I looked over her socials out of curiosity. Initially her pfp was an old photo where you can visibly see my bds arm, then she would copy my emojis, my tweets, retweets, and would change her pfp according to mine and always to something similar.

I stopped checking because it was affecting my mental health. The other day, I got a weird follow saying my partner was cheating on me which is not true.

I decided to test my theory. I made an anonymous question app and linked it to my social, thinking maybe she was watching because she wanted to say something but didn’t have the nerve to message me directly.

Almost immediately, I started getting anonymous messages with stuff like, “You’re a bad person,” “You’re delusional,” “No one’s lurking your page,” and “you act like you are better than others.” Mind you, I only have about five followers, my boyfriend and a few close friends and they would not go out of their way to look at my page even less click a link to send messages. So I unblocked my boyfriend’s ex and within days, I got a notification that she had liked a post that I reposted on my page.

I screenshotted the notification, made it my banner, and set my account back to private. Just so she can see I know it was her and hopefully this would motivate her to stop.

Now I’m wondering… was that too aggressive? I mean, she’s mostly just lurking and subtweeting on her own page.

Still, it’s been years of the same thing, and I honestly got tired of it. AITA?

More context: I didn’t know I can edit my post. I initially discovered of her social media account because I received an anonymous text message with a photo of her pfp where you can see my bfs arm in the background (this was years ago).

I only realized she was still lurking over my socials because I received a notification that she was not because I was lurking over hers. I had my account public because last time I checked her socials she had a bf and I had assumed she got over my existence and moved on.

I like to interact with strangers online sometimes and prefer my profile public for that reason. Thank you for all your opinions.

I realize that was immature of me and it only just continued to fuel her perpetual lurking. I will pretend she does not exist and if I get more creepy likes/messages I will ignore, because obviously calling this person out only motivates her more.

Understanding Social Media Boundaries

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a leading relationship therapist, emphasizes the importance of establishing clear boundaries in relationships, particularly concerning social media interactions.

She states, "Social media can blur the lines of privacy and intimacy, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts." Establishing these boundaries is crucial to maintaining trust and security in a relationship.

By openly discussing comfort levels regarding past partners and online behavior, couples can mitigate feelings of insecurity and enhance mutual respect.

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Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist, notes that past relationships can cast long shadows on current partnerships. She explains that unresolved feelings from former lovers may resurface through behaviors like stalking or lurking.

To navigate this, open dialogue about past relationships is essential. Couples should create a safe space to express concerns and insecurities, fostering deeper intimacy and understanding.

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Taking Control of Your Online Presence

Experts suggest that taking proactive measures regarding social media privacy is crucial. Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist, advises individuals to regularly review privacy settings and block unwanted followers.

He states, "Empower yourself by controlling who sees your content. It’s your space, and you have every right to protect it." Additionally, curating your online interactions can help mitigate unwanted attention and ensure that social media remains a positive aspect of your life.

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According to relationship researcher Dr. Terri Orbuch, confronting an ex can sometimes provoke unexpected reactions. She explains that such encounters may trigger feelings of jealousy or resentment.

To navigate these emotions, it's vital to approach the situation with empathy, understanding that the ex may also be struggling with unresolved feelings. This perspective shift can facilitate healthier discussions and reduce conflict.

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Finding Support During Emotional Distress

Dr. Pat Ogden, a sensorimotor therapist, emphasizes the importance of seeking support when dealing with emotional distress caused by stalking behaviors.

She suggests connecting with trusted friends or a mental health professional to process feelings and develop coping strategies. By sharing experiences, individuals can gain perspective and reduce feelings of isolation during challenging times.

Building a strong support network can significantly enhance resilience and emotional well-being.

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In situations involving emotional distress, Dr. Gabor Maté, a trauma physician, suggests practicing mindfulness techniques to manage anxiety. By focusing on the present moment, individuals can gain clarity and reduce overwhelming feelings.

He encourages activities such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises, which can provide immediate emotional relief and foster a sense of control amidst chaos.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential in any relationship, especially when past partners are involved. Dr. William Doherty, a family therapist, recommends having candid conversations about boundaries with your partner.

He advises couples to discuss expectations around social media interactions and how they wish to handle past relationships. This transparency can prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger foundation for trust and intimacy.

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What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

Expert Opinion

This situation highlights the complexities of social media and the emotional responses it can provoke. The ex's behavior—lurking and mimicking—might stem from unresolved feelings or jealousy, illustrating how past relationships can linger in our present lives. The original poster's confrontation, while understandable, reflects a common human desire to reclaim agency and set boundaries, even if it sometimes leads to further drama.

Professional Assessment & Guidance

Addressing stalking behaviors requires a thoughtful and proactive approach. By engaging with experts like Dr. Solomon and Dr. Perel, individuals can learn to navigate the complexities of past relationships and social media dynamics.

Ultimately, establishing clear boundaries, practicing mindfulness, and fostering open communication can significantly enhance relationship health. Prioritizing mental well-being through support networks and professional guidance is vital to overcoming challenges and building resilience in the face of emotional distress.