Mom Calls Oldest Daughter "Selfish" After She Refuses To Bankroll Younger Sister Who Won't Get A Job
She escaped being her sister's ATM and became the family villain instead.
The OP (Original Poster) of this story explained that she has four daughters, ages 29, 23, 16, and 15, and that money has become the loudest topic in the house.
The issue started with the 23-year-old. Apparently, she chose not to go to college and moved to her own apartment a year ago. Interestingly, her reason for moving was to avoid chores or responsibilities at home.
OP and her husband had set aside $25,000 for her college fund, so considering she wasn't interested in going, they decided to hand it over to her.
Well, it didn't take long for the young lady to burn through the money trying to pay rent and cover other expenses.
Since then, OP and her husband have been covering basic expenses like food, water, and other necessities. To make matters worse, their daughter has bluntly refused to get a job.
Over time, OP’s husband developed health issues and cannot work much anymore, which has reduced the income in their home. With OP as the sole breadwinner, supporting their adult child has started to feel impossible.
Recently, OP decided to reach out to her oldest daughter, who earns pretty well. The plan was to convince her to contribute money to support her sister.
The oldest refused, saying the 23-year-old should work and stop freeloading. This prompted OP to call her selfish, and now everyone’s upset.
Scroll through the screenshots below to see how this family money fight unfolded.
Let's dig into the details
Reddit.comA bit of background
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OP’s last daughter refused to go to college and also refused to work. So for the past year, she has been paying all her daughter’s bills. Unfortunately, OP can’t afford it anymore
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Navigating Family Dynamics
Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, a renowned child development expert, emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries within families. She notes that when one child feels financially responsible for another, it can lead to resentment and conflict.
In her work, she encourages open communication about financial expectations and responsibilities. Bryson suggests that parents should facilitate discussions between siblings to foster understanding and collaboration. This can prevent feelings of guilt or obligation from arising and create a more balanced family dynamic.
Setting Boundaries and Expectations
A family therapist emphasizes the importance of establishing clear boundaries. Setting expectations regarding financial support can help mitigate feelings of obligation among siblings.
She advises parents to discuss the importance of independence and the value of hard work with their children. By creating a family culture that promotes self-sufficiency, parents can help their children learn the importance of contributing to their own well-being. This proactive approach can alleviate tensions and foster healthier relationships among siblings.
OP asked her oldest daughter to chip in, but she refused. Instead, she wants her younger sister to get a job. This made OP accuse her oldest daughter of being selfish
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OP’s oldest is adamant that her sister is spoiled and should work
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We found some interesting comments from the Reddit community
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Financial coach David Bach highlights the need for financial independence among young adults. He argues that teaching children about budgeting and financial responsibility is crucial for their future success.
He recommends that parents provide their children with opportunities to earn their own money through part-time jobs or chores. This approach not only teaches valuable skills but also fosters a sense of self-reliance, reducing the expectation that one sibling must support another financially.
“You think the oldest is selfish? That’s rich. Your 23 year old is a selfish, lazy, entitled AH.”
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“What is wrong with you that you think everyone should work hard to support the lazy child?”
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“YTA for enabling your 23 year old into an irresponsible adult.”
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The Emotional Impact
Psychologist Dr. Susan David emphasizes the emotional toll that such familial conflicts can take on individuals. She notes that feeling labeled as 'selfish' can lead to shame and withdrawal.
David encourages fostering emotional agility, which involves recognizing and understanding one's feelings without judgment. By acknowledging emotions like guilt or frustration, individuals can communicate their needs more effectively and reduce the likelihood of familial resentment.
She advocates for a culture of emotional openness within families to promote healthier interactions.
“YTA. Your older daughter does not owe her younger sister financial support.”
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“YTA. What's the 23 yo doing anyhow? She's an adult and has to manage her own life.”
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“YTA for not enforcing boundaries on the 23 year old and expecting the eldest to give up her dreams supporting their sibling.”
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Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician and parenting expert, points out that financial education should begin at an early age. He suggests that parents can utilize everyday situations to teach children about money management.
Incorporating lessons about saving, spending, and making choices can empower children to become financially savvy adults. By actively involving them in discussions about family finances, parents can prepare their children for the realities of adult responsibilities.
OP has a real financial problem, and the husband’s health issues make the pressure even heavier. Still, expecting one adult child to financially carry another can feel unfair, especially when the 23-year-old refuses to work.
The oldest offering, $500 a month plus help with job hunting, sounds generous to many Redditors. Left to a couple of readers, they would prefer that the 23-year-old bear the full consequences of her decision.
We'd love to get your thoughts on this story. Join the conversation in the comments.
Expert Opinion
This situation highlights a classic family dynamic where financial stress amplifies existing tensions. The oldest daughter’s refusal to help could stem from a desire to assert her independence and set boundaries, especially if she perceives her sister as irresponsible. Meanwhile, the mother’s reaction of calling her "selfish" likely reflects her frustration and desperation to maintain family cohesion while coping with financial pressures. It's a tough balancing act between enabling and supporting, and emotions can easily run high in these scenarios.Understanding the Deeper Patterns
In navigating familial financial dynamics, communication and education are paramount. Experts like Dr. Bryson and David emphasize that fostering financial independence, emotional agility, and open discussions can significantly enhance familial relationships.
By prioritizing these values, families can create a more supportive environment that encourages responsibility and understanding among siblings. As each family member learns to articulate their feelings and expectations, they pave the way for healthier interactions and reduce the burdens of financial obligation.
