Dealing With Family Pressure: Why I Refused To Give In To Constant Visitation Requests

A 28-year-old woman refused to give in to her family’s constant “just come home” requests, and it turned into a guilt trip that got way too specific, way too fast. Her husband is military, so their life has been a string of moves across states and even countries, always far from her family’s doorstep.

Now they’re stationed cross-country, and they have a nearly 2-year-old. Her parents, grandparents, and great-grandmother keep pushing for more visits, especially centered on their desire to see the baby, even suggesting she fly back just to “drop him off” for a week or two, or leave her husband behind since he can’t just take off whenever.

She feels terrible that her son is not around daily, but she’s also building a life with her own little family, and that’s where the conflict really explodes.

Original Post

Backstory: My husband is military, and since we have been married, we have been living in other states and countries away from my family.

My family, who before I got married had never been more than an hour's drive away from me, did not like the fact that I moved so far away. They accepted it but always made me feel guilty. Fast forward to today:

We now have an almost 2-year-old, and we live literally cross-country from them. It's not our fault we are stationed at our specific base.

They are constantly trying to get me and my son to visit. I get it:

They miss us. Or should I say, they miss him.

It seems that since he was born, their main concern has been seeing my son. They have even made comments about my flying home to “drop him off” to stay with them for a week or two.

This is definitely not happening. Regardless:

I feel like the A-hole for my parents (his grandparents and great-grandmother) not being able to see him as much, especially since they are older.

It seems like every conversation I have with them involves them asking, “When are you guys coming home for a visit?” They even suggested that my son and I leave my husband (since he can’t just take off whenever he feels like it) to come and stay with them for a few weeks.

We literally just spent two months with them for Christmas since my husband was deployed. I feel so guilty that they are not in my son’s life on a daily basis, but at the same time, my husband and I are our own family now, along with our son.

They even get upset when we try to plan family vacations instead of coming home to see them. I love my family dearly.

But it seems lately they only want me to come home so I’ll bring my son. AITA for telling them no?

We have family things we want to do, and we will come home for a visit then, can we? *EDIT/UPDATE?*
Thanks, everyone, for the advice.

A lot of you suggested scheduling FaceTime meetings, etc. We FaceTime literally every other day, if not every day.

😅 We even bought my grandma a tablet so she could call us via Facebook Messenger. Also, we have told them countless times they are more than welcome to come here whenever they can or want.

That gesture extends to his side of the family as well. My husband’s unit deploys a lot,

so there is no way for me to load up our two dogs and 2-year-old and drive the three days home by myself. It’s dangerous and would cause me to have a meltdown.

We can’t fly because of the dogs, unless my son and I go home alone. My family has been here to visit once since we moved here.

They stayed two weeks and complained the entire time about wanting to go home. So there’s no winning in this situation.

My final point is that my family does not respect my parenting requests whatsoever. They give him food and drinks I don’t want him having.

They allow him to jump off furniture, etc., when we do not allow that at our home. I get it:

Grandparents spoil the grandkids, but for them to allow him to do what he wants when I am literally sitting there telling him no really upsets me.

I say no, and they tell him to do what he wants. Then he looks at me like, “Huh?”

I have done my best to talk with them about all of these things.

Recognizing the Importance of Boundaries

Setting boundaries with family, especially around parenting decisions, is crucial for maintaining emotional health.

Comment from u/cappotto-marrone

Comment from u/Additional-Breath571

After spending two whole months with them for Christmas while her husband was deployed, she thought the pressure might ease, but the “when are you coming home” questions never stopped.

It's essential for parents to communicate their needs assertively, ensuring that family members understand their boundaries.

Comment from u/Waste_Worker6122

Comment from u/Ok_Homework_7621

The comments got sharper when they suggested she fly back to drop her son with them, like her baby was a suitcase she could leave behind for a week.

It’s similar to the AITA OP deciding whether to share genetic health results with family.

Strategies for Effective Boundary Setting

To maintain healthy boundaries, consider implementing regular family discussions about expectations and limits.

Comment from u/RocketteP

Comment from u/City_Kitty_

When they started getting upset about her planning family vacations instead of returning for visitation, it was clear they wanted her schedule to revolve around their want to see him.

Furthermore, creating a family agreement that outlines visitation expectations can help clarify roles and responsibilities. This proactive approach can prevent misunderstandings and promote a harmonious family atmosphere.

Comment from u/First-Stress-9893

Comment from u/OkDragonfly4098

In her update, she said they already FaceTime every other day, sometimes daily, and she even bought her grandma a tablet, but the requests still kept coming.

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

Comment from u/AdGroundbreaking4397

Ultimately, the challenges faced by the military spouse highlight the importance of establishing firm boundaries with family members to safeguard emotional well-being and parental authority. The article illustrates how persistent visitation requests can strain relationships and challenge personal choices.

By prioritizing open dialogue and setting necessary boundaries, families can cultivate an environment that not only honors individual parenting decisions but also reinforces the strength of familial ties. This approach not only protects the parent-child bond but also encourages a healthier dynamic that can benefit all involved.

She might love her family, but she refused to let “seeing the baby” turn into her life being on permanent standby.

For another “I broke the plan behind my partner’s back” family-stress spiral, read this OP who cheated on their couples fitness commitment.