Dealing with a Nightmare: My Struggle Living with My Troublesome Brother
AITA for wanting my brother gone? Living with him in Canada has revealed shocking behaviors, but sending him back home may lead to homelessness.
Some people don’t realize a favor can come with a ticking time bomb, and Dave’s family just kept feeding it. My brother, Dave, is 24, and by the time he landed in Canada to live with us, I was already exhausted by the chaos he carried like cologne.
The complicated part is how ordinary it looks at first. We used to have separate rooms, so I could pretend his weirdness was just normal sibling stuff. Then we moved into a smaller place, suddenly I was sharing space with a guy who won’t shower more than once a week, smells like he’s been wearing the same hoodie for a month, and “overbrushes” his teeth so he just never brushes them.
And it all gets worse when you realize the begging, the stolen money, and the police visits all somehow circle back to one obsession: sweets.
Original Post
I (19M) have a brother (24M) whom we will call Dave. Dave might be the dumbest person I know, and I am not speaking hyperbolically.
We used to live in the Caribbean for the first 17 years of my life. For most of my teenage years, we had separate rooms, so we did not interact much.
I always thought he was a bit dim, but I figured it was just normal sibling disagreements. Two years ago, we moved to Canada and now live in a much smaller place.
My brother moved to Texas with my aunt to learn construction because my parents had already paid for two different college programs he wanted to pursue, and he refused to put in any work for either of them. While in Texas, he would lock himself in the bathroom for hours and disappear at night to walk to a gas station.
It was not for drugs; he is simply obsessed with sweets. He also engaged in several other strange behaviors.
Eventually, he was sent to Canada to live with us. Now that I have to share a space with him, I have realized I hate him.
For starters, he refuses to shower more than once a week. He wears the same hoodie and jeans everywhere to the point where you can smell when he has been in a room.
He brushes his teeth maybe twice a week because otherwise he says he will “overbrush them.” These things are gross, but they are not even the worst part. One time, my mom gave him her card to buy McDonald’s for lunch and told him he could spend 15 dollars.
He spent 60. He pretends to be homeless and hangs out with actual homeless people to beg for money.
He followed random women on the street to ask for their Instagram. The police once came to our home because he chased one when she tried to avoid him.
He does not do any of this for drugs. All of the begging and stealing is for sweets like milkshakes, donuts, and cookies.
He is also just an unpleasant person. He refuses to do chores because “those are for women.” He leaves his stinking clothes in my room, once even on my bed.
He puts glasses of juice in the fridge, spills them, and never cleans it up. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Recently, he has been pressuring my mother to buy him a ticket to go back “home.” The problem is that he has nowhere to go. None of our family can or wants to house him, and we no longer have a home there.
He insists that he has a house we do not know about, which makes no sense. My mother does not want to send him into guaranteed homelessness, but I have been trying to convince her to let him go.
He is a grown man, and at this point, he does not want help.
Sibling relationships often embody a complex interplay of emotions, ranging from love to resentment, which can significantly shape individual identities and family dynamics. Research by Dunn (2002) highlights that ambivalence is a common theme in these dynamics, especially as siblings navigate shared environments and experiences throughout their formative years. This ambivalence can manifest in feelings of jealousy, competition, and support, creating a rich tapestry of interactions that can be both nurturing and challenging.
In the case of OP and Dave, their limited interactions during childhood may have exacerbated these mixed feelings, leading to unresolved issues that linger into adulthood. As they now confront each other's personalities under one roof in Canada, the potential for conflict increases, illustrating how physical proximity can intensify existing tensions. The process of living together may either help them develop a deeper understanding of each other or further complicate their already intricate relationship.
Comment from u/Kitastrophe8503
Comment from u/VariationOwn2131
That’s when it hit me that Dave’s “separate room” era was over, because now his stench and his habits were in my daily line of sight.
Perceived parental favoritism can significantly affect sibling relationships, often leading to heightened conflicts and emotional turmoil.
Comment from u/Negative-Bread6635
Comment from u/No-College4662
The McDonald’s card incident made it clear he wasn’t just careless with money, he was actively turning every limit into a challenge.
Implications of Sending Dave away
Considering the option of sending Dave away brings up serious concerns about the psychological ramifications of homelessness.
Comment from u/electricshui
Comment from u/MzHellfier
Understanding Dave's behavior might require a deeper psychological assessment, as he may be struggling with an undiagnosed mental health issue that is affecting his daily life and relationships. It is crucial to recognize that mental health challenges can manifest in various ways, often leading to misunderstandings and conflicts within families. Engaging with mental health professionals could lead to valuable insights and support for both brothers, helping them navigate the complexities of their relationship.
Family therapy could provide a constructive platform for them to express their feelings and concerns in a safe environment, ultimately promoting healthier interactions. Such a supportive setting encourages open communication, allowing both brothers to better understand each other's perspectives and emotional needs. By addressing these underlying issues, they can work towards rebuilding trust and fostering a more positive familial bond.
This is wild, like the husband who delivered a lunch covered in mayo after ten years of his wife saying she hates it, and still got it wrong.
Comment from u/_CaptainAmerica__
Comment from u/Opposite-Ad-9209
After he chased a woman and the police showed up at our home, the sweets obsession stopped feeling quirky and started feeling dangerous.
To foster better communication and resolve conflicts effectively, OP might consider implementing a structured approach that encourages open dialogue. Immediate steps could include setting aside dedicated time for a calm and honest discussion about their living situation, which is crucial for addressing underlying issues.
Additionally, having regular check-ins could help maintain this positive atmosphere. Looking ahead, seeking family therapy could be a beneficial long-term strategy that facilitates ongoing dialogue and deeper understanding among family members. This professional guidance could assist them in navigating their differences and improving their relationship over a few months, ultimately leading to a healthier and more supportive living dynamic.
Comment from u/julesk
Comment from u/Hoagy72
And when he leaves his dirty clothes on OP’s bed while filling the fridge with spilled juice, the whole house feels like it’s being held hostage by Dave.
What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.
Comment from u/Inbredipus
Comment from u/MerezSays
Comment from u/undertowsoul
Dealing with problematic sibling behavior can be challenging, but understanding the underlying psychological dynamics can help. By considering the complexity of sibling relationships, the role of perceived favoritism, and the potential impact of sending Dave away, OP can make a more informed decision. Additional factors like potential undiagnosed mental health issues and the importance of effective communication should also be considered. Using this holistic approach, backed by research, might provide a path towards resolution.
The saddest part is, Dave might be happier anywhere else, because nobody wants to live like this.
Wait, you mean someone covered my cat-sitting with no gift, too? See the debate: AITA for not bringing a gift after cat-sitting.
