After Four Years Together, One Debt Question Changes The Mood That May End This Relationship
He calls it none of her business, she calls it her future.
Money talk can feel awkward even in serious relationships, but OP didn’t think her question was a big deal.
She and her boyfriend are both in their early 20s. They’ve been together for four years. They talk about marriage and see the relationship as long-term.
OP also knows her own situation. She has less than $10,000 in debt, and she’s been trying to stay realistic about the future she wants. She doesn’t expect perfection, but she does care about what kind of financial baggage they would be bringing into a marriage.
So she asked her boyfriend a simple question. How much debt do you have?
She wasn’t asking for a credit report. She wasn’t trying to shame him. She says she just wanted a rough number, the same way couples talk about savings, rent, or big future plans.
His reaction surprised her.
He got defensive immediately and refused to tell her anything. His answer wasn’t a number, it was a shutdown. “I don’t know. Why worry about this when eventually I will pay it off?”
To OP, that response didn’t feel reassuring. It felt like avoidance.
She admits she has a guideline in her head. She doesn’t want to marry someone who is carrying more than about $25,000 in debt at their age. She also clarified that it’s not a strict cutoff, more of a general line where she would want serious conversations about plans and timelines.
She even says she can estimate his debt based on the college they attended and what she knows about his car loan, but she wants him to be honest instead of dodging.
Now he’s calling her stupid for caring and saying it’s his debt, not hers.
OP isn’t trying to end the relationship. She says she loves him. But she’s stuck on one question. If they’re serious about marriage, shouldn’t this be something they can talk about?
Scroll through the screenshots below to see the full story and reactions.
Let’s dig into the details
Reddit.comA bit of backstory
Reddit.comOP says she doesn’t want to marry someone who has more than 25k in debt at a young age
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We gathered some interesting comments from the Reddit community
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“You have to be able to communicate and be honest with each other about finances for a successful marriage…”
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“If you are seriously considering getting married to someone you should be able to know what their finances are.”
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“NTA - It is important you know the financial burden if you are looking at a long term relationship.”
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“While finances are a huge part of getting engaged/married, you're not getting engaged anytime soon, per your comments”
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“NTA. Whatever debt he has when you marry you'll be taking on as well.”
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“He’s either being intentionally vague, or he doesn’t take money very seriously. Both red flags.”
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OP isn’t wrong for wanting clarity if marriage is on the table, because shared life decisions often become shared financial consequences.
At the same time, her boyfriend may be reacting from shame, stress, or fear of being judged, especially if the number is larger than he wants to admit.
The conflict isn’t only about debt, it’s about transparency and how they handle uncomfortable topics together.
Do you think OP’s question was fair, or does it cross a boundary? Share your thoughts in the comments.
