Woman Coerced By Her Elderly Mom To Care For Her Instead Of "Floating Around" The World, Seeks Advice Online

Regardless of an individual's age and maturity, it can be extremely upsetting when they realize they are responsible for their parents' care. A generic "how-to" manual is insufficient as a preventive precaution because every home is different.

There are sick parents to care for, hospital expenses to cover, and duties to assign to family members. Nowadays, being able to dedicate all of your time and resources to taking care of your parents as an adult seems to be a luxury rather than a sign of dedication.

The job of continuously caring for a parent is made more difficult by the fact that everyone else has their own responsibilities and challenges. A binding commitment is needed, one that requires the majority, if not all, of the person's attention to be given to the care of the elderly.

The OP was raised by a single mom who came from a foreign country. She invested a lot in the OP but has led a very insular life.

Since OP's father left before she was born, her mom has not been in a relationship with or connected to a local community. The OP and her husband wanted to move overseas, and she mentioned it to her mom.

OP added that they wouldn’t move until their sweet old cat passed away, and her mom was enraged. She accused the OP of caring more about her cat than about her.

She said it was the OP's duty to take care of her and not to "float around" the world.

OP writes

Reddit/daughterofbee

Therapists have mentioned OP's mom has some narcissistic traits

Reddit/daughterofbee

The OP got upset and asked her if she had to pause her own future to make her happy

Reddit/daughterofbee

The Burden of Caregiving

Dr. Anna Johnson, a gerontologist at Stanford University, notes that caregiving for elderly parents can evoke a complex mix of emotions, including guilt, resentment, and love.

Her research indicates that the pressures of caregiving often lead to significant emotional strain, particularly when individuals feel coerced into these roles.

This can lead to feelings of being trapped, potentially damaging both the caregiver's mental health and the parent-child relationship.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the AH:

AITA for getting angry at my elderly mother for not prioritizing her needs over my future plans? My mother feels that I care more about looking after my cat than her and that I owe her a duty of care as her "next of kin." I understand she’s worried about being alone and whether I factor her in enough.

And the comments roll in...

Reddit/daughterofbee

Her argument is that she had a sister to take care of

Reddit/daughterofbee

The OP can't put her life on hold

Reddit/daughterofbee

Psychologists specializing in family dynamics highlight the concept of 'role reversal,' where children take on parental responsibilities, often leading to conflict and distress.

According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, these shifts can create imbalanced power dynamics within families, leading to resentment.

Understanding these dynamics is essential for navigating the challenges of caregiving and maintaining healthy relationships.

Putting some distance between them

Reddit/daughterofbee

This Redditor is proud their children are out there

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Cutting the ties that bind you

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Exploring Boundaries and Autonomy

Setting boundaries is crucial for caregivers to maintain their mental health and personal autonomy.

Research shows that caregivers who establish clear limits often report lower levels of stress and greater satisfaction in their caregiving roles.

In this case, the woman might benefit from assessing her own needs and communicating them to her mother, fostering a more balanced relationship.

From a 65 year old parent of adult kids

Reddit/daughterofbee

The OP can always visit

Reddit/daughterofbee

It sounds like she's relatively independent

Reddit/daughterofbee

Engaging in open dialogue about her feelings and exploring alternative caregiving solutions can help alleviate some of the burden.

Therapeutic approaches, such as family therapy, can provide a safe space for discussing these dynamics and finding workable solutions.

Studies indicate that addressing these issues collaboratively often leads to improved family interactions and better mental health for all parties involved.

Young adults are grownups with lives of their own and ambitions for the future. Some want to follow in their parents' footsteps and become breadwinners, while others put in a lot of effort to advance in a sector they are extremely enthusiastic about.

Do we then try to assess if the decisions made by the children about their care or the demands made by the parents on their behalf are fair? It's yours to decide, but the OP was declared not the AH, and that's a wrap.

Practical Strategies for Caregivers

Establishing a support network with other caregivers can also provide emotional relief and practical advice.

Research suggests that caregiver support groups can significantly reduce feelings of isolation and stress.

Utilizing community resources, such as respite care, can also allow caregivers time for self-care, which is essential for long-term sustainability in their roles.

Psychological Analysis

This situation underscores the emotional toll that caregiving can take on individuals, particularly when it feels obligatory rather than voluntary.

Recognizing one's own needs and establishing boundaries is vital for maintaining mental health amidst the demands of caregiving.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Caregiving can be a rewarding yet challenging role that often requires balancing personal needs with family expectations.

Research indicates that establishing boundaries and seeking support can lead to healthier caregiving dynamics.

Ultimately, understanding these complexities is essential for emotional well-being and maintaining strong family relationships.