“It Changed How I See People” - Expat In Mexico Learns The Power Of Everyday Courtesy

For Louisa Rogers, an American writer who has spent two decades living part-time in Guanajuato, Mexico, the most profound lesson from her adopted country isn't found in its cuisine or festivals, but in its everyday expressions of courtesy.

"About a year after my husband and I bought a house in Guanajuato, my sister visited us," Rogers recalls. "One day, as we were walking down the street, she asked a stranger where the nearest bakery was, starting her question without a courtesy phrase like 'buenos días' or 'perdóname.'

Listening to her through my new Mexican lens, I winced, realizing she sounded rude. But only a year earlier, I had been speaking like that too — before I caught on to Mexican etiquette."

Although raised by parents from the U.S. Deep South who valued courtesy, Rogers admits that growing up during the countercultural 1960s led her to view manners as superficial. It wasn't until she immersed herself in Mexican society that she recognized courtesy as a vital social glue.

"When we first bought our home, I was unaware of how important courtesy is in Mexico, and in retrospect, my to-the-point communication style embarrasses me," she says. "Thankfully, I have since softened my style and, in fact, have grown very fond of the gentle niceties that Mexicans use."

In Mexico, greetings are essential. Entering a shop or boarding a bus without saying "buenos días" or "buenas tardes" is considered impolite. Even passing someone eating warrants a "buen provecho."

"One day, I happened to pass a neighbor twice. The second time, I said 'Hola,' though I realized afterwards that I rarely hear Mexicans use that word. I asked my teacher what I should have said. The answer? 'Buenos días' or 'tardes' or 'noches,' no matter how many times I see the person within 24 hours!"Even digital communication reflects this emphasis on courtesy. "Even on WhatsApp, unlike in the U.S., where text messages can be haiku-like in their brevity, Mexicans tend to begin with a greeting," Rogers notes. "My Spanish teacher always starts her messages with 'buenos días' or a similar greeting. I've learned to follow suit, though I occasionally forget."

The Importance of Everyday Courtesy

Dr. Angela Duckworth, a renowned psychologist and researcher, discusses how small acts of kindness can significantly improve interpersonal relationships. In her research on grit and resilience, she emphasizes that everyday courtesy fosters a positive environment, enhancing not only individual well-being but also community cohesion.

Duckworth suggests incorporating simple but effective practices, such as expressing gratitude or asking about someone's day, as these gestures can cultivate deeper connections and understanding.

By embedding these habits into daily routines, people can shift their perspectives, promoting a culture of respect and kindness that Louisa Rogers encountered in Mexico.

Louisa Rogers (right) with her Guanajuato city neighbors on their terrace:

Louisa Rogers

Expressions like "con permiso" are used to politely signal one's departure or to ask someone to make way. Rogers recalls learning this from her tutor, who explained its significance in everyday interactions.

Gratitude is also deeply ingrained. "Anyone can say 'muchas gracias,' but I started adding 'muy amable' (very kind) after hearing other foreign residents say it. The phrase adds an extra note of warmth and sounds less rote than just 'gracias.'

Indirect communication is another hallmark. To preserve harmony, Mexicans often avoid direct negatives. "Instead of saying 'no,' for example, they might say, 'I'll think about it,'" Rogers explains. "I've learned that if I speak bluntly in Mexico, it can be misinterpreted as rude and offensive."

Forms of address, such as using "usted" for elders, signify respect.

Rogers shares an anecdote: "One year, while my then 90-year-old father was visiting us in Guanajuato, I invited Rebeca, who was 75, over for a drink. Using the formal version of 'you,' Rebeca addressed my father as 'usted.' To me, they were both old, so what difference did it make?"

Always say hello

Unsplash Reflecting on her experiences, Rogers concludes, "In Mexico, I've learned that courtesy, far from being superficial, as I once thought, is a kind of social lubricant that smooths interactions. After many years of living in Guanajuato, I find that the unexpected ways Mexicans express respect and courtesy still surprise and delight me."

Her journey underscores how immersing oneself in a different culture can reshape perceptions and deepen appreciation for the nuances of human connection.

Louisa Rogers and her husband Barry Evans divide their lives between Guanajuato and Eureka, on California’s North Coast. Louisa writes articles and essays about expat life, Mexico, travel, physical and psychological health, retirement, and spirituality. Her recent articles are on her website, https://authory.com/LouisaRogers.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, communication styles profoundly influence interpersonal dynamics. He emphasizes that being aware of one's tone and approach is crucial for effective dialogue. In cultures where courtesy is emphasized, like Mexico, this awareness can lead to richer interactions and understanding.

Gottman advises individuals looking to improve their communication to practice active listening and empathy. Taking the time to truly hear what others are saying can break down barriers and foster connection, transforming not just conversations but relationships.

Therapeutic Insights & Recovery

In an increasingly fast-paced world, embracing everyday courtesy can transform interactions and enhance relationships. Experts like Dr. Angela Duckworth and Dr. John Gottman emphasize the importance of kindness and effective communication, suggesting that these foundational elements can create stronger connections. By consciously incorporating small gestures of care, such as saying 'thank you' or offering a warm greeting, individuals can contribute to a more compassionate society. Ultimately, adopting these practices not only enriches personal experiences but also promotes a culture of understanding and respect, much like what Louisa Rogers discovered in Mexico.