Woman Avoids Paying For Things By Saying That She Is Broke And Opinions Are Divided On Whether It Is Ethical

Over on the court of the internet: where everyone is a judge and collectively the juries debates are intense. That place is the "Am I The Asshole?" thread on Reddit.

If you are unfamiliar, allow me to fill you in. In essence, people post stories to the thread where they are unsure if they are the one who is wrong in a situation.

It can be very refreshing to get outsiders' perspectives on situations in your life, especially if someone is telling you that you're the asshole and you don't believe them. You can always trust strangers on the internet not to hold back!

"AITA for pretending to be broke as an excuse to not spend on things I don't want to?"

Liz Weston, a financial columnist, notes, "Pretending to be broke can lead to misunderstandings in relationships, especially if one partner feels deceived." She emphasizes the importance of open communication about finances. I am doing an engineering job making a good amount of money and I save a lot so I'm definitely not actually broke.I sometimes act like I am, and it frustrates my boyfriend though. I'll give a few examples.

Ethical Considerations in Financial Deception

Psychological research highlights the complexities of self-deception and moral reasoning. According to Dr. Shawn Achor, a positive psychology researcher, "People often create narratives that align with their self-image, which can lead to justifying unethical behavior." This phenomenon, known as cognitive dissonance, leads individuals to rationalize their actions, such as claiming to be broke to avoid payment. Understanding this can foster awareness of one’s motivations and promote ethical decision-making, as emphasized by Dr. Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist who states, "Recognizing our cognitive biases is the first step toward making more ethical choices."

Some examples...

A few weeks ago I went to get some work done on my car. I called ahead and the shop quoted me $150 for parts and labor so I said ok and drop off my car. Later that day they call me and say my car is ready to be picked up... But the job was way more complicated than expected so the cost was actually $320. I told them that was more than we agreed on and they were still being pushy.I just go "oh God, I'm so sorry but I don't have the extra money.. I called around to all the shops in town this morning and went with y'all because your original quote was the only one I could manage.

(Businesses shouldn't do extra work than you agreed on though?)

The guy at the shop kinda hemmed and hawed and I go "maybe you could take the parts back out, I'm really sorry but that's way too much"He was like "no no I'll honor the original quote"So that was something I didn't feel that bad about but my boyfriend said it made him uncomfortable to hear.

Isn't this fair enough?

Another time, we'd been trying to buy a new dishwasher and the guy at the store kept trying to upsell us on like a bunch of different things. and I was getting frustrated having to say no three or four times over so I go "i don't have the money for anything but the dishwasher, no extras"my boyfriend said he didn't like how I lied, it makes him uncomfortable to be around me when I'm lying because then he feels brought into a lie.

And here's the kicker!

But the big stressor was when he said an old friend of his was invited us to a party to celebrate opening her business. We decided to go, I enjoy partys. I didn't realize that this business was ... Uhh kinda a pyramid scheme until we got there and the party wasn't just a party but a push to get people to buy inSo I started declining stuff by being like "uhh that's really expensive, I really didn't expect to be spending anything tonight, so it's really not in my budget" and "sorry I really don't have 100 bucks for that"His friend stopped trying to sell to me much but it was a super weird vibe, it really wasn't a party where you could just hang out and talk and drink

Hmmmm

Anyway, my boyfriend pulled me aside partway through and said I was embarrassing him in front of his friends and he really wanted me to drop the "broke act"I said ok but I wanted to leave and he took that as a sign I was being petty about what he had asked me, when honestly I was really just not enjoying the not-a-real-party.He's been kinda frustrated with me since and when I got my last paycheck he was like "oh yeah real broke getting 10k" and I snapped at him to say to stop going on about itnow I'm wondering if I was the asshole for using that excuse? My boyfriend thinks so

So, who is the asshole??

AITA for saying that I don't have the money when I honestly just don't want to pay for something? My boyfriend thinks it's uncomfortable and embarrassing and that I shouldn't do it.

What do we think pals?!

Maybe it's not about the money it's the ease of lying?

BeepBlipBlapBloop

NAH - Though there's something to be said for just being honest with people.That's not the quote you gave me for the car.I don't need those things, just the dishwasher, please.I was told this was a party. I'm not interested in buying your products, thank you.I can see why your boyfriend would be uncomfortable with your lies, but I don't think they make you an asshole.

Good points!

snewton_8

NTAIf people won't take "no" for an answer, they will take "I don't have any extra money". Just like I tell people at expositions I'm checking out that I can't buy their windows because I rent. They hear it and the vendors nearby hear it and don't pester me.Regarding the MLM "party"... I hated being invited to dinners and parties like that. And the "dinner" was a cheese and cracker spread. I got to the point where I'd grab my wife and we'd walk out as soon as we would figure it out. Eventually, we just declined dinner and party invites of strangers and people we didn't know real well.

Maybe it's communication?

zetec2000

NAH - but there is a need to communicate.There is a fine line here: you don't need to claim that you're broke to accomplish the things you have talked about here. You actually nailed it with the "That's Not in my Budget".The situation with the shop? Maybe you were within your rights to ask them to honor the original quote. If so, you're good. If you authorized more work, but then reneged on paying, that's AH.Dishwasher? Hey, here's my budget, no extras. No AH.Pyramid Party? Nope, you don't have to spend $$ on stuff you don't want to. No AH.But the change here is how you are communicating with your BF & others that you have a budget, and a way you want to spend your $$. Again, you don't have to say you're broke, you just have to say that it's not in your budget.

Devil's in the details

Andante79

This one is hard.If you're saying "it's not in my budget " or "I wasn't planning on spending that much" then NTA. You don't have to justify to anyone why you will or will not spend money. Like with the mechanic example, they tried to charge more than double what they quoted. It is in no way wrong to say you didn't plan on spending that much.If you're going around saying "I'm so broke, I have no money for anything" them that's a bit of an AH move.TLDR: it isn't a lie if you say you budgeted differently, so that's cool. But if you lie and say you're broke, that is not cool.

!!

Dr. Alexandra Solomon

"Learning to assert your needs and boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Pretending to be broke can undermine your authenticity and lead to resentment," says Dr. Solomon, a relationship therapist. "It's important to communicate openly, whether that means saying no or discussing financial concerns honestly.""In social settings, it's perfectly acceptable to express disinterest in purchases without fabricating a story," she adds. "Honesty fosters trust and respect among friends."

Some people do think that they're the asshole.

Dr. Terri Orbuch, relationship researcher and author, states, "Honesty is crucial in any relationship. If you find yourself fabricating stories about your financial situation, it may lead to deeper trust issues." She advises that instead of lying, one should communicate openly about their feelings and boundaries. Additionally, Clark Howard, consumer advocate, emphasizes, "It's better to be straightforward about your financial limitations than to mislead others, as this can damage relationships and your own integrity." In situations where someone persists, he suggests simply walking away to maintain your peace and honesty.

Razrgrrl

A gentle YTA -you can set limits without lying. I get that it's easier to lie but it's also kinda messed up to pretend to be broke when you're fine. It sounds like you might need to practice setting limits and saying no? "That's more than we agreed.""No, thank you, I just want the basic model.""I'm not interested."It's not easy to set limits but it's something you can learn to do and it will serve you well in the long run.And no hate but I grew up poor and "we're broke" meant there was no money. It meant don't ask about the book fair or school pictures or field trips or classes because there's no money anywhere for anything. I know people use this phrase to mean different things, it can be relative. But it would be far more accurate to say, "that's not in my budget" or, "sorry, I didn't plan on spending that much."

Others think they're a smart consumer

HelpMeUpPls

Honestly, with the title I thought it was going to be something like short-changing family members on vacation rental fees or group gifts, but this just sounds like you are being a smart consumer?However, may I ask what the BF does? If he makes less, and his friends know what you do, and you pay for more expenses, there might be a bit of discomfort on his part because he doesn’t think the money should be a big deal to you (not that this is right, but just trying to explain).However, I’d reconsider your approach. If your BF embarrassment truly stems from crying poor, then try this: start getting extremely blunt and almost confrontational in tone with your ‘nos’, as in, “Listen, salesperson’s name, this is the last time I’m going to state this. THIS is my budget, and I do NOT want any extras. If this happens again, I am leaving for competitor’s store.” “Listen, mechanic, THIS is the price you quoted me. If you do not honor, you need to take the parts out so I can go to a shop who will honor their quotes.” See, how the BF likes that.

Direct and to the point.

Dr. William Doherty, family therapist

"Being dishonest about one's financial situation can strain relationships and erode trust. It's essential to communicate openly and honestly with others."

Sometimes, AITA threads expose larger problems in the relationship

ambroochia

Op gives 3 examples where she was totally in the right. I wonder if there is a bigger problem, where the issue of money comes up so often that it is boring and irritating for her partner. I am pretty frugal myself, and I grew up poor, but I do not lie about my situation. I just say no thank you.

Also THIS

SmallChallenge

Nta. Acting like you're broke is how you avoid going broke.I'm nowhere near your income level yet as I just started my career, but saving money is really important to me. If I need to buy something, I always shop around for good deals. I avoid buying things I really don't need to. I refuse to go out to cheap, garbage restaurants every weekend and only go out every 3ish months to a nicer higher end restaurant. My husband is the same way, but we've lost some friends who don't have to pay their own way yet.Sorry, but spending $15 on a crappy drink with hardly any alcohol in it is hardly a good time.

Pretty much--you don't owe people excuses.

Dr. Terri Orbuch, relationship researcher and author, states, “Setting boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Saying 'no' can be a complete sentence and is essential for self-care.” This sentiment is echoed by Dr. Susan David, an emotional agility expert, who emphasizes that “being honest about your financial situation can foster authentic connections and respect.”

What's your verdict: asshole or smart with money? Share in the comments!

For insights on the ethical implications of pretending to be broke, Dr. Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist, states, "People often navigate complex social situations with strategies that may not align with traditional ethical standards." You can explore more of his work on his professional website danariely.com. Additionally, Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist, emphasizes that "communication and honesty are crucial in relationships, and using deception can lead to deeper issues." Learn more about her approach at divorcebusting.com.

Ethics and Responsibility in Financial Decision-Making

The decision to claim financial hardship when one can afford a purchase raises important ethical questions about responsibility. Psychological research indicates that individuals often rationalize their decisions to align with their self-image, which can lead to ethical dilemmas.

According to studies in the Journal of Business Ethics, individuals may justify their claims of being 'broke' to avoid feelings of guilt associated with spending, illustrating the complexity of financial decision-making.

Understanding the psychological motivations behind avoiding payment can shed light on broader societal attitudes toward financial responsibility. Research suggests that societal norms can influence individual behavior, leading to rationalizations that align with perceived social expectations.

By fostering discussions around financial ethics, individuals can develop a clearer understanding of their motivations and the potential consequences of their choices.

Psychological Analysis

Claiming to be 'broke' when one is not raises significant ethical concerns about honesty and responsibility. It's essential for individuals to reflect on their motivations and the potential impact of their decisions on others.

Encouraging open dialogue about financial ethics can help individuals navigate these complex situations more thoughtfully.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Exploring the ethics behind financial decision-making reveals important insights into human behavior and societal norms. According to American Psychological Association, promoting discussions about ethical financial practices can foster greater accountability and responsibility.

By encouraging individuals to reflect on their decisions, we can create a more ethically aware society.

The act of claiming financial hardship can be viewed through the lens of social psychology, particularly the concept of social desirability bias. Research indicates that individuals often present themselves in ways they believe will be more acceptable to others (Berkman et al., 2020).

This bias can lead to justifications for behavior that may not align with reality. To navigate this, fostering transparency and honesty in financial discussions can help mitigate misunderstandings and promote healthier relational dynamics.

Understanding the Deeper Patterns

Ultimately, the interplay between financial claims and ethical considerations reveals much about human behavior. Studies show that cognitive dissonance can lead individuals to justify actions that contradict their values, complicating moral assessments.

As we navigate these dilemmas, fostering open communication about financial realities and ethical standards is crucial. This not only aids personal integrity but also strengthens relationships, as transparency can reduce misunderstandings and enhance trust.