Generous Aunt's Free Math Lessons Backfire As She Begins To Feel Exploited For Doing So Much ‘Free Labor’ For Family’s Sake
“I don't get paid for this as ‘it's family,’ and I'm beginning to feel a bit irked.”
Doing favors for family is normal; some might even say expected. But is there a limit to this? Well, for one Redditor, hers was when it began cutting deep into her precious free time while her wallet remained empty.
Our narrator (Original Poster) is a high school math teacher. Her brother-in-law’s girlfriend has a fourteen-year-old named Emily, and they hit it off immediately.
It wasn’t long before she discovered her teenage sidekick was terrible at math. So she did what any loving relative would do and offered her expertise as a tutor.
Sadly, this benevolent effort came at a cost – a significant chunk of OP’s free time was sacrificed at the altar of quadratic equations.
Now, don’t get it wrong; OP was happy to help. But while she poured her heart and soul into boosting Emily's math prowess, her sister-in-law failed to reciprocate with so much as a token of appreciation – not even a measly drink at the local pub!
Despite OP’s affection for Emily, she couldn't shake off the nagging feeling of being shortchanged. After all, tutoring doesn’t come cheap, especially when the going rate in her neck of the woods starts at a crisp $30/hour.
Emily has gone from failing math to being one of the best in her class, and OP is just beaming with pride. But at this point, she is at her limit — the fact that her sister-in-law never did anything nice for OP doesn’t help her case either.
Is it unreasonable to feel this way?
The story in detail
Reddit.comOP never got paid to tutor her BIL’s girlfriend’s kid because “It’s family.” This went on for a long time, and OP started feeling used
Reddit.comUnderstanding the Dynamics of Family Expectations
Family dynamics often involve unspoken rules and expectations that can lead to feelings of exploitation, particularly when one member takes on responsibilities that others assume will be handled without compensation.
According to Dr. Michele Gelfand, a cultural psychologist, “When family members feel obligated to fulfill roles without clear boundaries, it can create a sense of resentment and emotional distress.” Individuals in family systems may develop a sense of obligation that can overshadow their own needs, leading to further complications. This phenomenon is particularly pronounced in situations where familial roles are not clearly defined, creating a breeding ground for misunderstandings and emotional turmoil.
OP was giving this private class alongside her own job. And it never occurred to anyone that paying her was the right thing to do
Reddit.com
The girlfriend isn’t someone that OP feels deserves any favors. After all, she hasn’t done anything worthy of note for OP
Reddit.com
We gathered some reactions from the Reddit community.
OP couldn’t find the courage to confront her BIL’s girlfriend. Her first instinct was to seek help from the Reddit community on how best to handle the situation
Reddit.com
“You're not going to get paid for this, and they'll make you into the bad guy for asking for it.”
Reddit.com
Psychologists highlight that this feeling of being taken for granted can stem from the imbalance of give-and-take in relationships.
Research shows that individuals who frequently engage in self-sacrificial behavior often struggle with boundaries and may find it difficult to assert their own needs.
One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology suggests that openly discussing expectations can help prevent the build-up of resentment and clarify roles within family interactions.
“Why not just say you don't have time to do it anymore?”
Reddit.com
“Working for family is the worst. They don't understand boundaries, and basically, it's really hard to be treated like a professional.”
Reddit.com
Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Health
When faced with feelings of exploitation, individuals might resort to emotional coping mechanisms that can be detrimental in the long run.
According to Dr. Judith Herman, a renowned trauma researcher, these coping mechanisms can range from avoidance to passive-aggressive behaviors, further complicating family relationships.
Healthy coping strategies, like setting clear boundaries and communicating openly about feelings, can foster a more balanced dynamic.
“Just indirectly say at the current tenure, you do not have the free time to continue the current arrangement.”
Reddit.com
“Bottom line is you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting 'SIL' bully you into continuing to do this.”
Reddit.com
Redditors assured OP that her feelings were completely justified. They offered a compromise: monthly check-ins instead of weekly sessions.
However, when OP broached the subject with her dear sister-in-law, she insisted on weekly lessons and played the family guilt-trip card.
Undeterred, Redditors urged OP to stand firm. Remember, setting boundaries isn't selfish—it's self-care. Keep your chin up, OP, and don't let the guilt trips derail your resolve.
“Talk to your family about making this a learning experience for the kid. That she will value it more if she is paying for it.”
Reddit.com
Psychological Analysis
This situation highlights a common psychological struggle within families where one member's generosity leads to feelings of resentment, particularly when boundaries are unclear.
It's essential for family members to engage in open conversations about their needs and feelings, as this can help mitigate feelings of exploitation and foster a more equitable environment.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In summary, feeling exploited in familial relationships is not uncommon and can be addressed through open communication and boundary-setting.
By fostering a culture of dialogue, families can work towards a healthier balance of giving and receiving, reducing feelings of resentment.
Ultimately, understanding one another's perspectives can pave the way for more supportive and nurturing relationships.
It's crucial to recognize that family members often want to contribute but may be unaware of the emotional toll it takes on others.
A practical approach would be to schedule regular family meetings where everyone can express their feelings and redefine roles and responsibilities.
This not only promotes transparency but also builds emotional intelligence within the family unit, making it easier to address grievances before they escalate into conflict.
