This Mom Told Her Teen to Drop $250 on Secret Santa - and Reddit’s Not Having It

Ah, the magical time of year when families get together, eat too much, and passive-aggressively argue over who’s buying what for whom. But for one mom, this year’s holiday debate isn’t about the menu — it’s about whether her 19-year-old daughter should finally start participating in Christmas gift-giving.

The mom, 43, shared her story in the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit, explaining that her family does a Secret Santa every year, with a spending limit between $150 and $250. Pretty standard stuff — except her daughter, who just entered adulthood, has never been part of the gift exchange.

“Because she was a minor and didn’t have a job, everyone just got her gifts,” the mom said. “Last year, she was technically an adult, but we all still bought her presents anyway.”

This year, though? Mom says it’s time for that to change. Her daughter graduated high school at 17, took a year off, and now works at Starbucks while taking community college classes.

She’s living with her grandmother — a situation that’s worked out well for everyone. But despite earning her own money, the daughter hasn’t exactly been responsible with it.

“She’s been paying my mom $400 a month for rent for the last four months,” the mom wrote. “But she spends most of her paycheck on DoorDash, fast fashion, and a pretty generous amount of weed.”

To be fair, $250 is a little more “Secret Splurge” than “Secret Santa.”

AI-generated image

The mom isn’t trying to be the Grinch here. She still plans to buy her daughter a Christmas gift.

But she feels that if her daughter wants to be treated like an adult — with independence, money, and freedom — then she should also join the family’s Secret Santa like the rest of the grown-ups.

Oh, and did we mention Mom is still quietly paying an extra $400 a month to her own mother to help cover her daughter’s living expenses?

After reading feedback online, the mom admitted she took a few things to heart:

• The Secret Santa limit might be a bit steep.

• She needs to find a softer way to talk to her daughter about adult expectations.

• It might be time for a budgeting reality check — preferably one that doesn’t end in tears or slammed doors.

Original post by Reddit user Turbulent-Shopping43

I (43 F) have a 19-year-old daughter. She graduated high school at 17, took a year off from college, and works at Starbucks.This semester, she has finally started taking some classes at the local community college. After she graduated high school, she moved in with my mom. It’s great for everyone, as my mom is a widow and my daughter and I needed space.So, here’s the predicament: annually, we do a Secret Santa. We each pick one person, and we have a spending limit generally between $150 and $250. However, every year, because my daughter has been a minor and without a job, we always just got gifts for her and then did the Secret Santa with just the adults.Last year was the first year she was an adult, and we all still got her gifts! This year, I feel that she should participate in the Secret Santa. Will I be the a-hole if I insist that she should participate instead of getting individual gifts from each family member?My reasoning is that my daughter only started paying my mom rent about four months ago, and she only pays $400 a month for rent. She is not saving the money she has earned from Starbucks… Instead, she spends it on things like DoorDash almost daily, purchases from fast fashion sites, and buys a pretty substantial amount of marijuana.I love her, and I have been trying to teach her how to budget and save; but while you can lead a horse to water, you can’t make it drink. She has plenty of money and spends it on herself regularly, and if she wants gifts, she should participate in the gift exchange.Edit: I am supplementing her income by paying an additional $400 rent to my mom for living expenses (for a total of $800 a month, including utilities and food). The bills she is supposed to be paying are either paid late or only partially paid. I had no intention of NOT getting her a Christmas gift.Update: I appreciate all the feedback. I have a few takeaways from those:The spending for the Secret Santa is too high.I need to find a gentle way to speak to my daughter about expectations as an adult (with regards to gifts and other life matters).I need to find a better approach for communicating about the budgeting concerns I have and my daughter’s lack of concern for paying her bills on time and/or in full.Also, I believe if you have enough income for frivolous spending on DoorDash and marijuana, then yes, I believe she should be contributing more, but that is a conversation for her and my mom, who set the price of her rent. I think spending on those things in moderation is fine, but if you allow it to take over your responsibilities, then we have a problem.

Financial Responsibility in Young Adults

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a renowned pediatrician, emphasizes the importance of teaching financial responsibility to young adults. He suggests that engaging in discussions about money management can foster a sense of accountability and independence.

Many parents overlook the opportunity to impart these crucial skills, often believing that young adults will naturally learn through experience. However, structured guidance is essential. Dr. Brazelton recommends setting budgets for gifts and encouraging young adults to prioritize spending on meaningful experiences over material possessions.

"Christmas is a time for giving, not ultimatums."

Reddit u/Cam23806

"So judgmental."

Reddit u/Eternalthursday1976

A family therapist, Dr. Terri Orbuch, highlights the significance of open communication during family traditions like Secret Santa. She notes that these gatherings can serve as teaching moments for young adults to understand the value of giving and receiving.

Encouraging discussions about expectations and budgets can reduce misunderstandings and foster a more inclusive environment. Dr. Orbuch suggests that families create a shared document to outline spending limits and preferences, which can ensure that everyone feels comfortable and valued in the gift-giving process.

"Not a great look."

Reddit u/Shakeit126

"A very unsupportive parent."

Reddit u/Mediocre_Skill4899

"So wild!"

Reddit u/extrabigcomfycouch, u/CandidManic

Navigating Holiday Expectations

Dr. Shawn Achor, a positive psychology researcher, explains that unrealistic expectations during the holidays can lead to stress and disappointment. He suggests re-framing gift-giving as an opportunity for connection rather than obligation.

Families can benefit from discussing their values and priorities around holiday traditions. By emphasizing experiences over material gifts, family members can foster deeper relationships and alleviate the pressure associated with financial burdens. Dr. Achor advises creating new traditions that focus on shared activities, which can strengthen bonds without significant financial strain.

"Secret Santa sucks!"

Reddit/Novel_Fox

"YTA."

Reddit u/MediocreWonder3929

"Yikes."

Reddit u/DragonWyrd316

According to financial expert Ramit Sethi, it's crucial for young adults to learn about budgeting and the impact of their spending choices. He believes that teaching these skills early can lead to healthier financial behaviors in adulthood.

Sethi recommends that parents involve their children in discussions about family finances, including the rationale behind spending limits for events like Secret Santa. By creating a budget together, parents can help their children understand the importance of financial planning and responsible spending.

"Crazy!"

Reddit u/IntelligentGeneral60

"Have a conversation to set expectations."

Reddit u/rach_elle19

"Lame."

Reddit u/KCarriere

Lessons in Generosity

Dr. Carol Dweck, a motivation researcher, emphasizes the concept of a growth mindset, which can be particularly beneficial during gift-giving occasions. She notes that fostering a mindset focused on personal growth allows individuals to appreciate the value of generosity.

Encouraging young adults to consider what they can give, rather than just what they receive, can enhance their social relationships. Dweck suggests that families can make this a tradition by sharing stories of giving and reflecting on the positive impacts of generosity together.

"Mean-spirited and petty."

Reddit u/TALKTOME0701

"How very transactional."

Reddit u/quincebush

Her takeaway?

“If you can afford to spend on DoorDash and marijuana, you can afford to participate in a family gift exchange. Spending on those things in moderation is fine — but not if it means neglecting your responsibilities.”

To be fair, she’s not wrong. This isn’t about being stingy at Christmas — it’s about raising a kid who learns that adulthood isn’t just about freedom and fun; it’s also about showing up, pitching in, and maybe budgeting for something other than takeout.

Expert Opinion

This situation highlights a common struggle between parents and emerging adults around responsibility and independence. The mom's insistence that her daughter participates in the Secret Santa reflects a desire to instill financial accountability, but it can also come off as punitive rather than encouraging. It's crucial for parents to strike a balance between setting expectations and fostering open communication, so their kids feel supported in developing healthy financial habits without feeling judged.

Therapeutic Insights & Recovery

As families navigate the complexities of holiday traditions, fostering open communication and teaching financial responsibility can lead to more meaningful connections. Experts like Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Shawn Achor emphasize the importance of instilling values in young adults, ensuring they understand the significance of responsible spending and the joy of giving.

By creating an environment where discussions about expectations and budgets are encouraged, families can enhance their holiday experiences. This approach not only alleviates financial stress but also strengthens familial bonds through shared values and experiences.