"I Came Out At 17, And He Kicked Me Out" - Redditor Asks If He's An A**hole For Refusing To Attend Father's Funeral

Losing a family member is tough, but ultimately, it's something we all experience at some stage in life. Of course, we all grieve differently, and there is no right or wrong way to mourn the death of a loved one.

But what if a family member you weren't particularly close to passes away? Are you still obligated to attend the funeral, even if you weren't close to the person?

Reddit user u/Longjumping-War4842 recently shared his experience in the r/AITA (Am I The A**hole?) subreddit. He explained that he was never particularly close to his family growing up.

The OP states that his father has always been strict because he grew up in a very religious household. He never had a close bond with his sister, and his mother showed favoritism toward her over the OP.

When the OP came out as gay to his family as a teenager, he returned home from school to find all of his belongings outside. He ended up having to stay with friends for a while.

When the OP turned 18, his grandmother took him in. Although she wasn't entirely supportive of his sexuality, she loved him unconditionally, and he eventually moved away with her.

The Redditor cut all contact with his parents and sister, finished high school, and went off to college. Sadly, his grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, and the OP has been taking care of her ever since.

When the OP's sister reached out to inform him that their father had passed away, he was understandably taken by surprise. His sister told him he should attend the funeral because it would make him look bad if he didn't.

The OP's grandmother offered to pay for his ticket if he wanted to attend, but he decided he didn't want to go. So, he sent a message to his sister explaining that he wouldn't be attending.

Of course, the OP's sister informed their mother, and she contacted the Redditor, calling him names for not wanting to attend his father's funeral. She even reached out to his grandmother to ask her to convince the OP to attend.

Several of the OP's family members have since contacted him, encouraging him to attend the funeral. Now, the Redditor is wondering if he's the a**hole here.

The Redditor asked if he's an a**hole for not attending his father's funeral.

Reddit/Longjumping-War4842

He explained that he was never particularly close to his family growing up.

Understanding Family Dynamics in Grief

Grieving within family structures can be particularly complicated, especially when historical conflicts exist. Research by Dr. Therese Rando suggests that unresolved family issues can exacerbate the grieving process, leading to additional emotional turmoil.

In this case, the individual's decision to attend their father's funeral may be influenced by past experiences and the quality of their relationship, reflecting the intricacies of familial ties during times of loss.

The OP states that his father has always been strict because he grew up in a very religious household.

He never had a close bond with his sister, and his mother showed favoritism toward her over the OP.

Family members often have differing perceptions of relationships, particularly after a loss. According to Dr. William Doherty, PhD, a family therapist, "Grief can amplify existing family dynamics, leading to conflicting emotions about participation in memorial events." Studies have shown that personal feelings toward the deceased can significantly shape how individuals navigate their grief and decisions regarding such events. This divergence can create tension within families as individuals struggle to reconcile their personal feelings with familial expectations, as noted by Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and shame, who states, "When we are vulnerable, we often face the challenge of balancing our own needs with the expectations of those around us."

When the OP came out as gay to his family as a teenager, he returned home from school to find all of his belongings outside.

When the OP turned 18, his grandmother took him in.

The Role of Personal Values in Grief Response

Personal values significantly influence how people respond to loss. Dr. Kenneth Doka, a leading expert on grief, emphasizes that individuals may choose to honor their emotional needs over societal expectations during times of mourning.

The choice to skip a funeral can reflect a personal decision to prioritize one's well-being and emotional health rather than conforming to traditional expectations.

The Redditor cut all contact with his parents and sister, finished high school, and went off to college.

Sadly, his grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, and the OP has been taking care of her ever since.

Social pressure can create additional layers of complexity in grief responses. According to research from the American Journal of Sociology, societal norms often dictate how individuals should behave during mourning, leading to feelings of guilt or inadequacy when personal feelings conflict with these expectations.

Understanding these societal pressures can empower individuals to make choices that align with their emotional health.

When the OP's sister reached out to inform him that their father had passed away, he was understandably taken by surprise.

The OP's grandmother offered to pay for his ticket if he wanted to attend, but he decided he didn't want to go.

Creating a Supportive Environment for Grief

Encouraging open communication about grief can promote a supportive environment within families. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor, advocates for creating spaces where family members can express their feelings surrounding loss without fear of judgment.

Fostering these conversations can help family members feel validated in their unique grieving processes, promoting healing and understanding.

So, he sent a message to his sister explaining that he wouldn't be attending.

Of course, the OP's sister informed their mother, and she contacted the Redditor, calling him names for not wanting to attend his father's funeral.

What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think the OP should attend his father's funeral regardless of his feelings, or does he have every right not to want to be there?

We would love to hear your opinions on this. You can share your thoughts with us in the comment section.

She even reached out to his grandmother to ask her to convince the OP to attend.

Several of the OP's family members have since contacted him, encouraging him to attend the funeral.

Now, the Redditor is wondering if he's the a**hole here.

Here's how people reacted.

Reddit/BulbasaurRanch

He stopped being your dad when he shunned you for being gay.

Reddit/Famous_Specialist_44

"Don't subject yourself to that."

Reddit/Super_Selection1522

"Do what feels right for you and have no regrets."

Reddit/RoyallyOakie

NTA.

Reddit/bookworm1398

"Your parents proved their love, which is none."

Reddit/GoreGoddezz

Psychological Analysis

This scenario exemplifies the complexities of grief within families, particularly when past conflicts and differing feelings about the deceased come into play. The choice to skip a funeral may reflect a need for self-preservation and emotional health rather than a lack of respect.

Recognizing that each individual's grieving process is unique can help family members approach these situations with increased understanding and compassion.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In summary, grief is a highly individual experience influenced by family dynamics and societal expectations. Understanding the varied ways individuals cope with loss is crucial for navigating familial relationships during these challenging times.

Creating an atmosphere of open communication about grief can foster empathy and support within families, allowing for healthier grieving processes.