Feeling Neglected: AITA for Acting Cold Towards Mom Favoring Brothers?

OP is 19, living in an apartment with her mom, while her brothers live right next door. At first, things were fine. Then somewhere between 12 and 15, the vibe flipped, and suddenly “helping out” turned into doing everything for herself, while her brothers got full-service treatment.

Here’s the mess: mom cooks for the brothers, buys their groceries, does their laundry, cleans their place, and basically runs their lives, but when OP comes home from work at 7 PM, mom is already done feeding and cleaning for them, then turns around and tells OP to make something for herself. And when OP pushes back, she gets hit with the worst logic, boys don’t do chores because it’s “a girl’s duty,” plus her mom is Dominican and “hard to talk to.”

Now OP stays in her room, and her brothers are calling her cold and “unfriendly,” like she’s the one who changed.

Original Post

So I'm currently 19 years old, and my brothers are around 10 and 11 years older than me. My brothers and I got along just fine, but as I got older, I started to notice certain behaviors from my mom. When I was younger, she took care of me just fine, but as soon as I turned around 12 to 15, things started to change. She began to ask me to do my own laundry and help around the house. Don't get me wrong; I don't mind helping around the house, but it's weird because she also wanted me to clean my brothers' apartment.

We live alone; my mom and I live in one apartment, and my brothers live in the apartment next door. As I mentioned before, my brothers are much older, so you would think they would do things by themselves, but no, my mom still cooks for them, buys them groceries, does their laundry, cleans their place, and a bunch of other things.

My issue is that she loves to do it for them, but for me, it seems like it's too hard of a job. For example, when I come home from work at around 7 PM, she has already cooked for my brothers and everything, but then she asks me to make something for myself. Even though she was home for hours and cooked for them, why can't she just cook a little more and make something for me too? Her reasoning for why my brothers don't do anything and I'm supposed to do everything is that they're boys and I'm a girl, so it's like my duty to do so?

Like, what? Because of all of that, I stay in my room most of the time and don't even talk to them that much anymore because I've just had enough. When they get mad at me, they say, 'Oh, you used to be so nice back then, and now you're just an unfriendly person,' and whatever, and 'Oh, you're always in your room on your phone; that's why no one talks to you.' Mind you, I'm very nice and friendly outside.

But yeah, I don't know, AITA for acting the way I do after all these years of the same treatment? P.S.: My mom is Dominican, so she is very hard to talk to. When I try to bring up a topic she doesn't like, she tells me I'm yelling at her or being disrespectful. Also, when she's saying mean things to me, I can't even respond back because she says I'm talking back, which is not the case; I just want to respond. But yeah...

The narrative of familial favoritism in this situation highlights the emotional toll it can take on siblings, particularly when one feels sidelined in favor of others. The original poster's experience of feeling neglected by their mother due to the preferential treatment given to their older brothers resonates deeply with the psychological implications of perceived parental bias. This dynamic can foster feelings of resentment and inadequacy, as the poster grapples with their role within the family structure.

The shift in the mother's behavior, as the protagonist describes, underscores the potential disruption of healthy emotional development that favoritism can cause. The original poster's struggle with self-esteem and the desire for equitable treatment illustrates the importance of balanced family dynamics. By acknowledging these feelings, one recognizes the need for open communication within families to address perceived inequalities and foster healthier relationships.

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Once mom started asking OP to do her own laundry and clean up, it felt like normal growing up at first, until the brothers kept getting everything done for them.

Feelings of neglect can lead to emotional withdrawal, as seen in the original poster's response to perceived favoritism.

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Communication Strategies

To address feelings of neglect, open communication is crucial.

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The part that really stings is when OP comes home at 7 PM and mom has already cooked for the brothers, then still expects OP to handle her own dinner.

It’s like the single friend refusing the bunk bed while couples demanded double rooms on the trip, read the Airbnb room drama.

The situation described highlights the psychological concept of 'role strain,' where individuals struggle to balance expectations placed on them by family dynamics. Role strain can lead to feelings of inadequacy and stress.

Learning to set healthy boundaries is essential for managing these feelings. Therapy approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns, leading to more adaptive behaviors and emotional relief.

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Then the “boys are boys, girls are supposed to” argument drops, and OP’s brothers start acting like her boundaries are the real problem.

Impact of Birth Order

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That’s when OP retreats to her room, and the next complaint comes straight from the brothers, “you used to be nice,” while mom stays tough to talk to.

The emotional fallout from perceived favoritism can lead to long-term relational issues.

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In the face of familial favoritism, developing emotional resilience becomes crucial for those feeling overlooked.

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

In the intricate web of family relationships, the feelings of the original poster highlight a significant emotional struggle that many can relate to. The shift in their mother's treatment as the siblings aged raises important questions about favoritism and its impact on familial bonds. While the poster is willing to contribute to household responsibilities, the sense of being sidelined is palpable and speaks to a deeper issue of perceived neglect.

To address these feelings, embracing open communication and empathy becomes essential. The poster could benefit from articulating their feelings using 'I' statements, which may foster a more constructive dialogue with their mother. Setting boundaries might also be a crucial step in ensuring that their needs are recognized and respected. This scenario illustrates how vital it is to navigate the complexities of family dynamics thoughtfully.

Seeking support, be it from friends or professional guidance, could further empower the poster to confront these challenges. The path to reconciliation is not always straightforward, but with commitment and a willingness to engage, there is potential for healing and deeper understanding within the family unit.

Nobody wants to be the unpaid roommate of their own family dynamic.

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