Friends Public Mention of Embarrassing Hobby: AITA for Feeling Ashamed?

Are you the jerk for feeling embarrassed by your friend's public discussion of your shared hobby? The original poster (27M) and his best friend (27F) have a long history of text role playing and D&D, which they enjoy.

However, things took a turn when their friend began openly referencing their roleplay plot points in public settings, including their workplace. The OP feels a sense of embarrassment as their friend discusses "the rp" and NPCs around coworkers, making them uncomfortable with the juvenile nature of the hobby at their age.

Despite not wanting to stop the hobby, the OP struggles with the public exposure of their private pastime. In the thread, users debate whether the OP is justified in feeling embarrassed or if they should embrace their hobby openly.

Some suggest setting boundaries with the friend to keep personal matters private, while others argue that age shouldn't dictate one's enjoyment of nerdy hobbies. The discussion touches on the balance between personal interests and workplace professionalism, highlighting the complexities of sharing niche hobbies in public spaces.

The diverse perspectives showcase the nuances of navigating social norms and individual preferences in different environments.

Original Post

Okay, so I (27M) and my best friend (27F) have been friends since middle school. Something we did back then that never really went away was text rolepay (rp) because we play D&D, it was just a staple of communication in our lives, etc., idk.

It’s a fun hobby, I don’t want to stop, but recently, we’re writing a really interesting plot point rn and she keeps referencing it/bringing it up/talking about it in public around people who aren’t our friends. It’s not the most appropriate subject matter.

We work together, and the kind of place we work at is basically one big room, and it gets quiet, so all our coworkers can hear us. And I get it, I’m doing it so I shouldn’t be ashamed, but I also understand that this is a *very* juvenile pastime and a weird one for someone who’s almost 30 to have.

I get a sharp twinge of embarrassment every time she mentions “the rp” or “npcs” or asks a plot related question in public, at work, or when people are *clearly* listening, like she wants them to overhear. I’m happy she thinks it’s cool, but it’s not something I’m really keen on letting people, especially essential strangers, know that I do.

ETA: I’m not ashamed of my hobby or whatever, but just like anything you do in private, I want to keep it private. The sentiment of “don’t be ashamed of your hobby” is nice and all, but if your hobby is something like LARP-ing you aren’t always the first to volunteer that icebreaker.

Edit 2: IT. IS NOT.

AN RPG OR TTRPG. THERE WOULD BE NO ISSUE IF IT WERE LIKE D&D BUT IT’S NOT.

You know those “wolf kids” in school that would be like: “I’m Alpha Rose Lavender Moonshine and I have Ultra Magic Powers” and LARP like that? Okay, it’s that kind of s**t, but we’re adults and it’s just more sophisticated now.

I get it, I get it: “RPGs are totally normal! Totally normal to be a nerd!” THIS ISN’T NORMAL NERD S**T.

AITA?

Understanding the Psychology of Embarrassment

Feeling embarrassed or anxious about the disclosure of a personal hobby, particularly in a professional setting, is natural. This reaction arises from the fear of possible negative social evaluations, which is a fundamental aspect of human nature. This is supported by the research conducted by psychologist Mark Leary, who proposed the 'sociometer theory' suggesting our self-esteem is driven by how we believe we are perceived by others.

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The sense of embarrassment can also be linked to the concept of 'stigma.' Role-playing games like D&D have often been stigmatized due to societal stereotypes. Psychologist Patrick O'Connor, who published a study in the Journal of Geek Studies (O'Connor, 2015), discussed how geek culture, including hobbies like D&D, can often be misunderstood and stigmatized, leading to feelings of embarrassment.

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The Impact of Social Context

A friend's public mention of shared hobbies can sometimes put us in an awkward situation. According to a theory developed by sociopsychologist Erving Goffman, our behavior changes based on the social situation we find ourselves in, which he termed 'dramaturgical analysis' (Britannica, Erving Goffman). When the social 'stage' changes, such as moving from a private to a professional setting, so too does our behavior and comfort level.

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It's also important to note that everyone has different levels of sensitivity about their personal life being mentioned in public. This is largely influenced by our individual differences, including levels of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and social anxiety. These concepts have been extensively studied by psychologist Albert Bandura, whose research shows that these factors can significantly affect how we react to social situations.

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Embracing Individuality

It's crucial to remember that it's okay to have unique hobbies and interests. According to psychologist Robert Plutchik's psychoevolutionary theory of emotion, our interests contribute to our individuality and personality (Plutchik, 2001). The embarrassment experienced may be due to the perception of potential negative reactions, but it's important to embrace our unique passions.

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Open communication with your friend about your feelings may also be beneficial. Research by psychologist John Gottman shows that clear communication leads to better relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 1999). Expressing your discomfort with the public mentions of your shared hobby may lead to a more comfortable situation for both of you.

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The Impact of Cultural Perception

Finally, it seems important to consider cultural factors that might influence your friend's willingness to discuss your mutual hobby openly. Cultural psychologist Steven Heine has conducted research showing that culture plays a significant role in our self-concepts, including how we perceive and express our hobbies.

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In summary, it's natural to feel embarrassed when personal hobbies are discussed publicly, especially if they're stigmatized or misunderstood. This can be understood through various psychological theories and concepts including the sociometer theory, dramaturgical analysis, Bandura's research on self-efficacy, and the impact of cultural perception. Remember, it's important to embrace our individuality and communicate openly about our comfort levels in different social contexts.

Expert Opinion

The OP's embarrassment stems from a fear of negative social evaluation, a principle highlighted in Mark Leary's 'sociometer theory.' This is compounded by the stigma around role-playing games, making him feel judged in a professional setting. Open communication about these feelings, as suggested by John Gottman's research, could help address the situation.

Dr Anvi Patel

Psychologist