Redditor Asks How To Deal With Her Grieving MIL Who Forgets She's Babysitting While She's Meant To Be Babysitting

The loss of a spouse is an incredibly difficult time for someone to go through. So when Reddit user u/Professional_Memory's MIL lost her husband, the Redditor tried to be kind to her (sometimes manipulative) MIL.

However, the OP came to regret being so nice, and she shared her story in the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit. The OP explained that her MIL is the type of person who will always find a way to get something for nothing.

Her husband passed away from an alcohol-related illness, and while he was alive, he only kept a job between stints in jail. Meanwhile, the MIL doesn't feel the need to work because she has her government check to rely on.

The OP owns two houses: the one she and her family live in, and the one she lived in before she met her husband.

The OP's MIL lives in her old house and pays below-market rent in exchange for helping out with childcare. The OP also pays all of the MIL's utilities as part of the deal.

The thing is, since her husband passed away, the OP's MIL hasn't been holding up her end of the deal. Understandably, it's been a tough time for her, so the OP offered for her to come and stay with them for a couple of nights each week.

The Redditor says that's where she made a mistake. The MIL shows up at random times expecting to stay the night in the OP's daughter's bed.

Not only that, but when she is supposed to be babysitting, the MIL often leaves the kids to their own devices and stays in the bedroom on her phone. She uses the OP's WiFi for her dating apps, and the kids are left to fend for themselves. Understandably, the OP is fed up with her MIL's behavior, but her husband says they should give his mom more of a chance.

Now the OP isn't sure what to do, so she turned to the Reddit community for advice. Keep scrolling to see how people reacted.

The OP shared a story about how her MIL forgets she is babysitting... while she's babysitting.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

She explained that her MIL can be quite manipulative.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The OP says her MIL will always find a way to get something for nothing.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

Coping with Grief and Responsibility

Grieving can significantly impact cognitive functioning and emotional regulation. Dr. George Bonanno's research at Columbia University illustrates how grief can alter attention and memory, leading to forgetfulness.

When someone is grieving, their capacity to manage responsibilities, like babysitting, may diminish, resulting in lapses that can frustrate others.

Understanding this can foster empathy towards the grieving MIL and encourage supportive rather than judgmental responses.

Understanding Grief and Its Impact

Grief can profoundly affect an individual's cognitive functioning and emotional availability. Research in bereavement psychology indicates that individuals experiencing intense grief may struggle with concentration and attention, which can lead to forgetfulness and lapses in responsibility.

According to studies published in the Journal of Death and Dying, caregivers often find themselves emotionally drained, resulting in inadequate attention to their caregiving roles.

MIL's husband passed away recently.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The OP owns two houses: the one she and her family live in, and the one she lived in before she got married.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

MIL lives in the OP's house and pays below-market rent in exchange for helping them with babysitting.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The concept of cognitive overload is particularly relevant here. When individuals face multiple stressors, their ability to function effectively can be compromised. According to Dr. Daniel Goleman, an emotional intelligence expert, "Cognitive overload can significantly impair our ability to focus and remember tasks." This aligns with findings from Dr. Lawrence Cohen, a child psychologist, who notes that "When overwhelmed, even the most capable individuals may struggle to keep track of their responsibilities, which can lead to forgetfulness in caregiving roles." These insights help explain why the MIL might forget her babysitting duties amidst her grief.

This situation is exacerbated when the grieving individual also takes on responsibilities that they may not be emotionally equipped to handle. Research shows that caregivers in distress are more likely to experience burnout, which can further impair their ability to provide effective care. Dr. Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes that "recognizing and honoring our emotional limits is crucial in preventing caregiver fatigue and ensuring we can be present for those we care for" on her website tarabrach.com.

The OP's job is flexible, but she works a lot of hours.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The Redditor offered to let her MIL stay with them for a couple of nights each week since her husband died.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

But the OP says her MIL is unreliable and will show up randomly.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

Balancing Caregiving and Self-Care

Parents often find themselves in a challenging position when caregiving responsibilities extend to family members who may be struggling emotionally.

Studies indicate that caregivers must prioritize their own mental health to provide effective support to others.

Encouraging the MIL to engage in self-care practices, such as counseling or support groups, could benefit her mental well-being and improve her caregiving capacity.

Strategies for Better Support

To alleviate the burden on grieving caregivers, families should consider implementing a support system. Research indicates that shared caregiving responsibilities can significantly reduce the emotional load on individuals struggling with their grief.

According to studies in the Journal of Family Psychology, collaborative caregiving promotes better emotional health for all involved and helps maintain the quality of care for children.

Now she's coming over to use the OP's WiFi for online dating.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The OP says her MIL does not take babysitting seriously.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

She consistently leaves the children to fend for themselves.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

Implementing structured schedules and reminders could also assist in mitigating forgetfulness. Research shows that external aids, like calendars and alarms, can significantly enhance memory performance.

By creating a routine that includes reminders for babysitting, both the parent and MIL can work together to ensure the child's needs are met without overburdening the grieving individual.

Moreover, providing education about grief can help family members understand the dynamics at play. Workshops or support groups focused on grief can equip caregivers with strategies to cope while also maintaining their responsibilities. Studies show that shared knowledge within families fosters empathy and understanding, which can enhance relationships.

Grief education can also reduce the stigma associated with grief, allowing individuals to express their struggles more openly.

Instead of watching the children, she hides away in the bedroom on her phone.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The OP is furious that her MIL isn't keeping up her end of their deal.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

Now the OP is sick of negotiating.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

The Importance of Open Communication

Open communication is critical in navigating complex emotional situations like this. Expressing concerns without blame can foster an environment of understanding.

Studies indicate that couples and family members who practice effective communication skills tend to experience lower levels of conflict and higher satisfaction in relationships.

Encouraging honest discussions about feelings and expectations can help in managing the stress of caregiving roles.

Encouraging Self-Care as a Priority

Encouraging self-care is crucial for those navigating grief. Research indicates that caregivers who prioritize self-care are better able to manage their emotional health and responsibilities. Techniques such as mindfulness, journaling, and physical activity have been shown to promote emotional well-being.

According to findings in the Journal of Health Psychology, engaging in self-care practices can enhance resilience and improve overall caregiving effectiveness.

In a later edit, the OP thanked the Reddit community for their advice.

Reddit/Professional_Memory

Here's how people reacted.

Reddit/Heyedith

She needs to be evicted.

Reddit/Zukazuk

Easy. Turn off the WiFi!

Reddit/LadyLeeLeeH

Okay, but why can't she sleep on the couch?

Reddit/carhoin

What a "lazy mooch."

Reddit/WaffleDynamics

Enough said.

Reddit/AngryPrincessWarrior

No more negotiation.

Reddit/ConsistentCheesecake

"This woman is stealing your peace of mind and your money."

Reddit/WhalenKaiser

"Remind her that the utilities are an exchange for babysitting properly."

Reddit/lumabugg

What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think the OP should be more understanding of her MIL and her grieving process, or is it reasonable for her to expect more from her MIL?

We would love to hear your opinions on this. You can share your thoughts with us in the comment section.

Psychological Analysis

This scenario highlights the significant challenges that grief can impose on caregiving responsibilities. From a psychological perspective, it's essential to recognize that the grieving process can impair cognitive functioning, making it difficult for individuals to manage multiple roles effectively.

Encouraging open communication and shared responsibilities can help alleviate some of the burdens faced by grieving caregivers.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, understanding the emotional impact of grief is vital for effective caregiving. Research emphasizes the importance of support systems, education, and self-care in navigating these challenging dynamics.

By fostering an environment of understanding and shared responsibility, families can better support grieving caregivers while ensuring that children's needs are met.

Psychological Analysis

This scenario illustrates the complexities involved when grief intersects with caregiving roles. It’s important to approach the situation with empathy, recognizing that grief can significantly impair cognitive functions.

Encouraging supportive practices can enhance the overall family dynamic and ensure that both the grieving party and the child receive the care they need.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, understanding the psychological impacts of grief and responsibility can lead to more compassionate interactions.

By employing strategies for communication and memory support, families can work together to create a more harmonious caregiving environment.