Helping my son make real friends: Am I the bad guy?

Some people don’t recognize a favor, and this freshman-year friendship strategy is basically that problem in human form. OP’s high school-aged son started at a brand-new school, in a district he’d never been to, hoping a clean academic reputation would instantly translate into real friends.

Here’s the twist, though, he isn’t just helping when someone asks. If anyone asks for answers, he hands them over. On group projects, he ends up doing other people’s parts, because it feels like the fastest way to be liked. Then after school last week, he’s suddenly complaining that nobody talks to him anymore, even though they were friendly in class last year.

Now OP has to figure out if she said the harsh part out loud, or if her son finally heard the truth.

Original Post

I (44F) have a high school-aged son. He started at a new high school for his freshman year in a district he had never been to before.

My son seems to have self-confidence issues. He thinks the only way he can make friends is to offer them something.

He's very skilled academically, so what he feels he has to offer is answers on assignments in class. Last year, if literally anyone asked him for answers, he would give them up, hoping they would like him.

The same goes for group projects. He'd do other people's parts of the project to make it "easier" on them.

After school last week, he was telling me (complaining about) how all those people didn't talk to him anymore, even though they had talked in classes they had last year and he thought they were friends, or at least acquainted.

I told him that if he'd stop being a doormat and trying to win people over by giving them things and getting nothing in return, he'd actually make some friends. I wasn't trying to be rude, as this post seems to suggest.

He's been pretty distant since. AITA?

The journey through adolescence is often marked by a deep yearning for peer acceptance, which plays a pivotal role in shaping a young person's identity and social interactions. The mother in the article confronts a troubling reality: her son's attempts to gain friends through academic assistance may not be the wholesome strategy it seems. While he may believe that helping others with their studies will endear him to them, this approach could inadvertently create relationships that lack reciprocity. This imbalance can lead to feelings of being undervalued and may chip away at his self-esteem over time.

The mother's concerns about her son's social dynamics highlight a crucial point; while seeking acceptance is a natural part of growing up, it is essential for adolescents to engage in friendships that offer mutual respect and genuine connection. Without these foundational elements, the pursuit of fitting in may come at the cost of his self-worth, making it imperative for parents to guide their children toward healthier social interactions.

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Comment from u/0biterdicta

The mother’s critical perspective on her son’s behavior might stem from a genuine desire to steer him toward healthier relationships and emotional well-being. By instilling a sense of value in oneself, children are more likely to seek out and maintain positive relationships. Encouraging your son to reflect on his motivations behind his actions and the nature of his friendships may help him develop a more assertive and confident approach to socializing. This reflective practice not only enhances his interpersonal skills but also allows him to discern which relationships genuinely contribute to his happiness and personal growth. Ultimately, guiding him through this process can empower him to make more informed choices in his social interactions.

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That first week at the new high school is where his “answers for acceptance” plan really takes off, and it sounds great right up until people stop asking.</p>

Building self-confidence in adolescents is inherently complex and requires a nuanced approach.

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Comment from u/EvilTodd1970

In the ongoing saga of helping a teenage son navigate friendships, the original poster reveals a critical family dynamic that speaks to the importance of self-worth in social interactions. The mother grapples with her son's apparent 'doormat' behavior, which, as highlighted in her reflections, can severely undermine self-respect and lead to emotional turmoil. This behavior not only affects individual self-esteem but also creates unhealthy relational patterns, where one may feel perpetually undervalued and overlooked.

As the mother contemplates her role in shaping her son's understanding of self-worth, it becomes evident that parental guidance is essential. Encouraging children to establish personal boundaries and advocate for themselves is not merely beneficial but crucial for developing healthy social skills. By teaching her son to recognize his own needs and assert himself in a respectful manner, she can help him cultivate confidence that will serve him well in all his relationships. The insights offered in this scenario underscore the importance of fostering emotional intelligence and resilience, which are vital for navigating the complexities of teenage friendships and beyond.

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Comment from u/Dull-Habit2973

When he told OP he was basically being ghosted after giving away assignment answers and doing extra work on group projects, the whole “I thought we were friends” thing got shaky fast.</p>

This also reminds me of a Redditor putting their teenage son on food restrictions after he ate them out of house and home.

Consequences of 'Doormat' Behavior

Understanding the concept of reciprocity in friendships can significantly enlighten your son’s social dynamics.

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For lasting improvement, it’s vital for the mother and son to have a constructive conversation about self-esteem and peer relationships. This conversation should create a safe space for him to express his feelings and thoughts openly. Immediate steps could include discussing his feelings about friendships today, exploring both the positive and negative aspects of his interactions with peers.

In addition, short-term strategies might involve role-playing scenarios to practice assertive communication within a week. This technique can help him feel more prepared to handle real-life situations where he needs to express himself confidently. Longer-term, engaging in activities that boost his confidence—like joining clubs or sports—can foster a sense of belonging and help him develop authentic friendships over 1–3 months. Such activities not only enhance social skills but also provide opportunities to meet peers with similar interests, creating a supportive network for him.

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OP’s comment about him being a doormat lands hard, especially because he’s been trying to buy connection with homework help instead of actual conversation.</p>

The Need for Constructive Conversation

Ultimately, guiding your son toward understanding the importance of balanced relationships can be transformative for his overall development and mental health. This foundational understanding can lead to healthier interactions and a more fulfilling social life.

By fostering awareness of his intrinsic value and encouraging him to seek out reciprocal friendships, you can help him cultivate confidence and resilience in various social settings. These skills are not just beneficial during adolescence but will serve him well into adulthood, as he learns to navigate the complexities of personal and professional relationships.

Encouraging open discussions about emotions and boundaries will further empower him to establish connections that are both supportive and enriching. Ultimately, this approach can lay the groundwork for lasting, meaningful relationships throughout his life.

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Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

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Since that talk after school last week, he’s been distant, and now OP is stuck wondering if she made him feel worse or finally exposed the real issue.</p>

In this case, the mother's approach, while appearing strict, is underscored by a genuine concern for her son's well-being. It is crucial that she finds a way to balance her critical observations with encouragement. This balance can significantly influence her son's self-esteem and social skills, which are essential during his teenage years. The emphasis on fostering a healthy understanding of reciprocal relationships stands out as a key element in helping him cultivate true friendships. If the mother can navigate this delicate dynamic, she may empower her son to thrive socially and emotionally in the long run.

Nobody wants to be someone’s free study guide, and now they’re all acting like they noticed.

Want another family blowup over “helping out,” read about refusing to loan a tablet for a friends trip after agreeing to sell it.