Helping my son make real friends: Am I the bad guy?

Are you the jerk for calling out your son's behavior, or did you handle it all wrong? This Reddit post delves into a complex family dynamic that's sparking heated discussions.

The original poster, a mother in her forties, opens up about her teenage son's struggles with self-confidence at a new high school. The son, eager to make friends, resorts to offering academic help in hopes of winning social approval.

However, the mother takes a critical stance, labeling her son a "doormat" for his behavior. Despite her intentions not to be rude, her words hit a nerve with many Redditors.

Comments flood in, unanimously calling her out for her approach. Some suggest therapy and activities to boost the son's confidence, while others criticize the mother for undermining her son's self-worth.

The thread showcases a range of opinions, with the majority siding against the mother's harsh words. The discussion shifts towards the impact of parental influence on a child's self-esteem and social skills.

As the debate unfolds, it becomes evident that building a supportive environment for the son is crucial for his personal growth and well-being.

Original Post

I (44F) have a high school-aged son. He started at a new high school for his freshman year in a district he had never been to before.

My son seems to have self-confidence issues. He thinks the only way he can make friends is to offer them something.

He's very skilled academically, so what he feels he has to offer is answers on assignments in class. Last year, if literally anyone asked him for answers, he would give them up, hoping they would like him.

The same goes for group projects. He'd do other people's parts of the project to make it "easier" on them.

After school last week, he was telling me (complaining about) how all those people didn't talk to him anymore, even though they had talked in classes they had last year and he thought they were friends, or at least acquainted.

I told him that if he'd stop being a doormat and trying to win people over by giving them things and getting nothing in return, he'd actually make some friends. I wasn't trying to be rude, as this post seems to suggest.

He's been pretty distant since. AITA?

Understanding the Psychology of Peer Approval

Adolescents often seek peer approval, a crucial aspect of their social development that shapes their identity and behavior. According to a study conducted by Allen and Loeb, this quest for acceptance can drive behaviors that may not reflect their true selves. During these formative years, the desire to fit in can lead teens to compromise their values and interests, which may have long-term implications for their self-image.

While striving to fit in, your son’s strategy of offering academic help to peers might seem harmless at first glance. However, it could lead to a one-sided relationship where he feels undervalued or taken for granted. Over time, this dynamic can further affect his self-esteem and overall well-being, making it crucial to balance social interactions with genuine connections that foster mutual respect and understanding.

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The mother’s critical perspective on her son’s behavior might stem from a genuine desire to steer him toward healthier relationships and emotional well-being. According to Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a renowned parenting expert, “When children understand their self-worth, they are more likely to form meaningful connections.” By instilling a sense of value in oneself, children are more likely to seek out and maintain positive relationships. Encouraging your son to reflect on his motivations behind his actions and the nature of his friendships may help him develop a more assertive and confident approach to socializing. This reflective practice not only enhances his interpersonal skills but also allows him to discern which relationships genuinely contribute to his happiness and personal growth. Ultimately, guiding him through this process can empower him to make more informed choices in his social interactions.

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The Role of Parents in Adolescents' Self-Esteem

Building self-confidence in adolescents is inherently complex and requires a nuanced approach. According to renowned psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel, "When we focus on our children's strengths, we foster a sense of security that allows them to thrive." This insight highlights the need for parents to tread carefully when discussing their child's challenges. Instead of focusing on what needs to be fixed, parents might consider using supportive language that emphasizes their son's strengths and achievements. By framing conversations around positive reinforcement, they can help their children feel valued and understood. This approach not only fosters a sense of security but also addresses their need for approval in a more constructive manner, ultimately promoting healthier self-esteem and resilience in the face of life's challenges.

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Engaging in 'doormat' behavior can significantly diminish one's self-respect over time, leading to a range of emotional challenges. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, "When individuals prioritize others’ needs over their own, they often struggle with self-worth and self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics." This pattern can create a cycle of dependency and resentment, leaving individuals feeling undervalued and overlooked. To counter this concerning trend, parents play a pivotal role in shaping their children's perspectives on self-worth. Dr. Shefali Tsabary emphasizes, "Encouraging children to set personal boundaries and advocate for themselves equips them with essential skills for healthy social interactions." Teaching kids to recognize their own needs and assert themselves respectfully helps them build confidence and maintain balanced relationships throughout their lives. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Shefali Tsabary provide valuable insights into fostering emotional intelligence and resilience in children.

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Consequences of 'Doormat' Behavior

Understanding the concept of reciprocity in friendships can significantly enlighten your son’s social dynamics. In his influential book, Dr. Robert Cialdini discusses how mutual exchanges build stronger relationships. This foundational principle can empower your son to seek balance in his friendships, ensuring that he both gives and receives support.

Encouraging him to recognize that friendships should be based on mutual support may help him develop more fulfilling connections over time. By fostering an environment where both parties contribute, he will likely experience deeper bonds and a sense of belonging.

Moreover, understanding reciprocity can also teach him valuable life skills, such as empathy and communication. These skills are essential not only for maintaining friendships but also for navigating various social situations throughout his life.

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For lasting improvement, it’s vital for the mother and son to have a constructive conversation about self-esteem and peer relationships. This conversation should create a safe space for him to express his feelings and thoughts openly. Immediate steps could include discussing his feelings about friendships today, exploring both the positive and negative aspects of his interactions with peers.

In addition, short-term strategies might involve role-playing scenarios to practice assertive communication within a week. This technique can help him feel more prepared to handle real-life situations where he needs to express himself confidently. Longer-term, engaging in activities that boost his confidence—like joining clubs or sports—can foster a sense of belonging and help him develop authentic friendships over 1–3 months. Such activities not only enhance social skills but also provide opportunities to meet peers with similar interests, creating a supportive network for him.

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The Need for Constructive Conversation

Ultimately, guiding your son toward understanding the importance of balanced relationships can be transformative for his overall development and mental health. As noted by Dr. Madeline Levine, a renowned child psychologist, "Teaching teens to value their own needs is essential for their mental well-being." This foundational understanding can lead to healthier interactions and a more fulfilling social life.

By fostering awareness of his intrinsic value and encouraging him to seek out reciprocal friendships, you can help him cultivate confidence and resilience in various social settings. These skills are not just beneficial during adolescence but will serve him well into adulthood, as he learns to navigate the complexities of personal and professional relationships.

Encouraging open discussions about emotions and boundaries will further empower him to establish connections that are both supportive and enriching. Ultimately, this approach can lay the groundwork for lasting, meaningful relationships throughout his life.

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Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

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Psychological Analysis

It sounds like the mother’s intention to push her son toward healthier social interactions comes from a good place, but her choice of words might have backfired. Adolescents often tie their self-worth to peer approval, and if they feel criticized without adequate support, it can lead to further insecurity. Encouraging open communication about his feelings could help him build confidence while also teaching him the value of reciprocal friendships.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, while the mother's approach might seem harsh, it's important to recognize that her intentions are likely rooted in her son's best interests. However, she needs to balance criticism with support to help foster her son's self-esteem and social development. As Dr. Lisa Damour emphasizes, constructive feedback alongside emotional support can be a powerful tool in helping adolescents navigate their social world. Most importantly, fostering a healthy understanding of reciprocal relationships can help the son build genuine friendships in the future.