Holding A Funeral For Estranged Father: WIBTA

In a heartfelt Reddit post, a 21-year-old explains the complex dynamics of their family history. Born to teenage parents who split when they were just three years old, the poster had no contact with their father for most of their life.

However, when their father reached out at 16, expressing regret and seeking to make amends for his past mistakes, the poster chose to keep their distance but allowed some communication with their father's other children. Despite their father's troubled past, including addiction and hurtful behavior, the poster decided to hold a funeral for their father after his sudden passing in a car crash.

The key focus of the funeral wasn't to honor the father but to provide closure and a chance to say goodbye to the three young children he left behind. This decision sparked a conflict with the poster's mother, who wanted to cremate the father and dispose of the ashes.

As the poster grapples with their mother's disapproval and threats to cut them off, Reddit users overwhelmingly support their decision to prioritize the needs of the father's grieving children. Many commend the poster for their empathy, maturity, and selfless actions, urging them to continue standing up for what they believe is right, despite the familial discord.

Original Post

I’m 21. My parents had me at 15 and split when I was 3.

I haven’t seen my father since then. He went on to have 8 more kids; three were in his custody (12F, 10M, 8M).

I’m my mom’s only child. When I was 16, he reached out, saying he was getting clean for his kids.

He apologized to me and my mom (she never got the message). He knew that saying sorry wouldn’t fix things but wanted to do better for his children.

He offered to let me meet my siblings and said if I didn’t want to see him, he’d arrange it through our grandmother. I declined, asking for photos and videos only.

I didn’t want them to know I existed. He respected that.

I obsessed over every picture, noticing every bruise and Band-Aid. Eventually, I went to therapy and accepted that he was a better dad to them than he ever was to me.

I came to see him as someone different from the man who raised me; he was no longer my dad, but he was theirs. I never told my mom I was in contact with his side of the family.

He died this year in a car crash. The kids are going to my paternal aunt.

Since I’m his oldest child, I was legally next of kin and claimed the body at my grandmother’s request. My mom found out and was thrilled; she wanted to cremate him and flush the ashes or throw them out.

I ignored her and met his 12-year-old daughter. She didn’t want to cry in front of me because she knew he hadn’t been a good dad to me.

She had seen my Facebook bookmarked on his computer and asked him about it. He told her he had hurt me, that a Band-Aid wasn’t enough to fix it, that Band-Aids fixed small cuts and he had smashed a vase.

She didn’t fully understand but tried to respect my feelings. I told her this wasn’t about mourning my father; I’d already done that.

This was about her dad. She cried, I comforted her, and decided then that this funeral would be for them.

Trashing his ashes wouldn’t hurt him, only them. With help from my grandmother and some of his friends, we’re planning a funeral in his town.

I won’t mention myself or his other children. I’ll write that he struggled with addiction, hurt people, and couldn’t undo it, but got clean and did his best for the three kids who had no one else.

My mom is furious. She says I shouldn’t honor him after what he did.

She’s stopped speaking to me and threatened to cut me off if I go through with it. Others in town are starting to treat me differently too.

But I stand by this: the kids deserve a chance to say goodbye to their dad. They’re innocent.

This funeral isn’t for him; it’s for them. I had to shorten it due to character limits, so some details got cut out.

So, Reddit, WIBTA for holding a funeral for my “father” despite my mother’s wishes? Edit to add: the only members of my dad's biological family who I would let handle the funeral are my grandmother and aunt, who are helping but are both incapable of handling the full weight alone. They ARE grieving him, and that’s hard; I’m not; I feel nothing; it’s another day to me.

His father, brother, grandfather, etc., I would DIE before I let those men be in the same town as these three little kids, and those men know it. I’d be surprised if they dared show up to the funeral. But his friends are helping as well; again, they are grieving; I’m not.

I’m also not going into debt; he left savings, my grandmother is helping, and the church is also willing to help as they understand the situation, including the pastor who knows everything. Mini update: I’ve decided I’m going forward with the funeral and may cut my mom off.

I have done so much to prevent her from ever hearing his name throughout my life to the point of lying about childhood friends' names. The funeral is 3 hours away with no traffic; she can’t stumble upon us; she can’t accidentally hear about it; I’ve shared nothing.

My mother needs therapy; she’s stewing over an event that she wouldn’t have known about had gossips not let it slip that I claimed the body. I will also not be forcing the kids to have a burial; no funeral, just family.

Because the eldest wanted a funeral so she can mourn with friends, family, and their church. It would be cruel of me to take that away from her when my mother spent a maximum of six years with this man to that little girl’s 12.

Yes, he hurt my mother, but it was years ago, and this little girl wasn’t a thought process at that point. My mother has every right to be upset I’m involved, but she has no right to demand these kids get their lives destroyed more than they already have been.

Thank you, Reddit, for helping me see that, because I hadn’t realized how wild my mother’s demands were until this post. She basically wanted me to steal a body and destroy the evidence in my mind.

If the eldest was 18, I’d have turned everything over to her and walked away, but she’s not; she’s 12, she’s a baby who needs someone to shoulder the burden, someone to get in the way of the falling rocks. Honestly, after this, I feel it doesn’t matter who holds the funeral; my mother will be angry. She sent my grandmother a message and called her many unkind things for 'celebrating' him.

And so, even if this girl was 18, she’d probably have gotten harassed by my mother, just like I am. My mother turned my hometown against me; many there hated him too. I doubt anything I say to them will change their feelings, but I’m going to keep pushing through the snowstorm before me because I’m an older sibling now, and it’s my job to protect them from the raging storm of insanity that may come with this funeral. I might update if anything else happens, but for now, thank you, Reddit, for helping me make up my mind. Even if the decision results in both my parents being dead to my heart, I have three little lights to carry forward and leave the smoking ashes of who I once was behind. That family, the one I was born into, is long gone. I tried to hold up pieces to keep my sham life how I thought it was, but it was always going to finish crumbling one day.

All I can do now is move forward.

Navigating Estrangement and Grief

When considering the decision to hold a funeral for an estranged father, it's essential to understand the complex psychological dynamics at play. Research in family psychology emphasizes that unresolved grief can manifest as complicated feelings of anger, guilt, or regret. This situation isn't just about honoring the father's memory; it's also about the emotional needs of the children involved, who may be seeking closure or connection to their heritage.

According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, children of estranged parents often grapple with conflicting emotions. They may feel a sense of loyalty to their father while also experiencing the hurt caused by his absence. This internal conflict can make the decision of whether to hold a funeral particularly fraught but also an opportunity for emotional healing.

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Understanding the motivations behind wanting to hold a funeral can be rooted in the psychological concept of 'disenfranchised grief.' This term describes grief that is not acknowledged or supported by the social norms surrounding mourning. The children may feel that their grief over their father's death is invalidated by their mother’s stance, leading to feelings of isolation and emotional turmoil.

Clinical psychologists suggest that creating a meaningful ritual can serve as a powerful tool for processing this grief. Rituals provide a structured way to express emotions and validate the significance of the loss, which can be particularly healing in complex family dynamics.

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The Role of Family Dynamics

Family systems theory posits that individual behavior is best understood in the context of family dynamics. In cases of estrangement, the family system often exhibits patterns of communication and emotional expression that can exacerbate feelings of conflict. This can lead to what is known as 'triangulation,' where family members become enmeshed in one another’s emotional struggles instead of addressing the core issue directly.

Research indicates that addressing these dynamics can facilitate healthier communication. Family therapy may be beneficial, as it allows family members to express their feelings in a safe space, potentially leading to greater understanding and resolution.

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Practical strategies for approaching this delicate situation can include open dialogue about feelings surrounding the father's death and the perceived need for a funeral. Engaging in family discussions can be challenging but may help bridge the emotional gap. Encouraging each family member to express their thoughts can lead to a collaborative decision that honors both the father's memory and the children's emotional needs.

In addition, considering alternative forms of memorialization, such as a private gathering or a memorial service that respects the mother's wishes while acknowledging the children's grief, may serve as a compromise that honors all perspectives involved.

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Implications for Emotional Healing

Emotional healing often requires confronting difficult feelings associated with grief and estrangement. Research in grief counseling emphasizes that acknowledging complex emotions is vital for processing loss. The children may need to explore feelings of love, anger, and sadness surrounding their father, which can be a pivotal step toward healing.

Furthermore, studies in psychology highlight that supportive environments are crucial for emotional recovery. Creating a space where the children feel safe to express their diverse feelings about the father can facilitate healing and promote healthier family relationships in the long term.

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We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation reflects the complexities of family relationships, particularly when dealing with unresolved grief and estrangement. It's common for family members to have differing needs and perspectives in these scenarios, which can lead to emotional conflict. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healing and connection.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

The interplay of estrangement, grief, and family dynamics can create a deeply challenging emotional landscape. Behavioral specialists note that addressing these issues through open communication and supportive rituals can facilitate healing for all involved. Ultimately, the goal is to honor the past while creating a path forward that acknowledges and validates the children's experiences.