Holding A Funeral For Estranged Father: WIBTA

A 21-year-old woman just tried to do the “right thing” after her estranged father died in a car crash, and it turned into a family grenade. She was the oldest child, the one who got named next of kin, and she ended up taking over the funeral logistics for the father who vanished when she was three.

Here’s the mess: her dad had eight more kids, and only three of them were in his custody, including a 12-year-old daughter who didn’t want to cry in front of her. The 12-year-old knew the truth because she found OP’s Facebook bookmarked on her dad’s computer, and he admitted he hurt OP, down to the “Band-Aid wasn’t enough” story.

So while OP’s mom wanted to cremate him and toss the ashes, OP decided this funeral wouldn’t be about mourning him, it would be about protecting the kids he actually affected.

Original Post

I’m 21. My parents had me at 15 and split when I was 3.

I haven’t seen my father since then. He went on to have 8 more kids; three were in his custody (12F, 10M, 8M).

I’m my mom’s only child. When I was 16, he reached out, saying he was getting clean for his kids.

He apologized to me and my mom (she never got the message). He knew that saying sorry wouldn’t fix things but wanted to do better for his children.

He offered to let me meet my siblings and said if I didn’t want to see him, he’d arrange it through our grandmother. I declined, asking for photos and videos only.

I didn’t want them to know I existed. He respected that.

I obsessed over every picture, noticing every bruise and Band-Aid. Eventually, I went to therapy and accepted that he was a better dad to them than he ever was to me.

I came to see him as someone different from the man who raised me; he was no longer my dad, but he was theirs. I never told my mom I was in contact with his side of the family.

He died this year in a car crash. The kids are going to my paternal aunt.

Since I’m his oldest child, I was legally next of kin and claimed the body at my grandmother’s request. My mom found out and was thrilled; she wanted to cremate him and flush the ashes or throw them out.

I ignored her and met his 12-year-old daughter. She didn’t want to cry in front of me because she knew he hadn’t been a good dad to me.

She had seen my Facebook bookmarked on his computer and asked him about it. He told her he had hurt me, that a Band-Aid wasn’t enough to fix it, that Band-Aids fixed small cuts and he had smashed a vase.

She didn’t fully understand but tried to respect my feelings. I told her this wasn’t about mourning my father; I’d already done that.

This was about her dad. She cried, I comforted her, and decided then that this funeral would be for them.

Trashing his ashes wouldn’t hurt him, only them. With help from my grandmother and some of his friends, we’re planning a funeral in his town.

I won’t mention myself or his other children. I’ll write that he struggled with addiction, hurt people, and couldn’t undo it, but got clean and did his best for the three kids who had no one else.

My mom is furious. She says I shouldn’t honor him after what he did.

She’s stopped speaking to me and threatened to cut me off if I go through with it. Others in town are starting to treat me differently too.

But I stand by this: the kids deserve a chance to say goodbye to their dad. They’re innocent.

This funeral isn’t for him; it’s for them. I had to shorten it due to character limits, so some details got cut out.

So, Reddit, WIBTA for holding a funeral for my “father” despite my mother’s wishes? Edit to add: the only members of my dad's biological family who I would let handle the funeral are my grandmother and aunt, who are helping but are both incapable of handling the full weight alone. They ARE grieving him, and that’s hard; I’m not; I feel nothing; it’s another day to me.

His father, brother, grandfather, etc., I would DIE before I let those men be in the same town as these three little kids, and those men know it. I’d be surprised if they dared show up to the funeral. But his friends are helping as well; again, they are grieving; I’m not.

I’m also not going into debt; he left savings, my grandmother is helping, and the church is also willing to help as they understand the situation, including the pastor who knows everything. Mini update: I’ve decided I’m going forward with the funeral and may cut my mom off.

I have done so much to prevent her from ever hearing his name throughout my life to the point of lying about childhood friends' names. The funeral is 3 hours away with no traffic; she can’t stumble upon us; she can’t accidentally hear about it; I’ve shared nothing.

My mother needs therapy; she’s stewing over an event that she wouldn’t have known about had gossips not let it slip that I claimed the body. I will also not be forcing the kids to have a burial; no funeral, just family.

Because the eldest wanted a funeral so she can mourn with friends, family, and their church. It would be cruel of me to take that away from her when my mother spent a maximum of six years with this man to that little girl’s 12.

Yes, he hurt my mother, but it was years ago, and this little girl wasn’t a thought process at that point. My mother has every right to be upset I’m involved, but she has no right to demand these kids get their lives destroyed more than they already have been.

Thank you, Reddit, for helping me see that, because I hadn’t realized how wild my mother’s demands were until this post. She basically wanted me to steal a body and destroy the evidence in my mind.

If the eldest was 18, I’d have turned everything over to her and walked away, but she’s not; she’s 12, she’s a baby who needs someone to shoulder the burden, someone to get in the way of the falling rocks. Honestly, after this, I feel it doesn’t matter who holds the funeral; my mother will be angry. She sent my grandmother a message and called her many unkind things for 'celebrating' him.

And so, even if this girl was 18, she’d probably have gotten harassed by my mother, just like I am. My mother turned my hometown against me; many there hated him too. I doubt anything I say to them will change their feelings, but I’m going to keep pushing through the snowstorm before me because I’m an older sibling now, and it’s my job to protect them from the raging storm of insanity that may come with this funeral. I might update if anything else happens, but for now, thank you, Reddit, for helping me make up my mind. Even if the decision results in both my parents being dead to my heart, I have three little lights to carry forward and leave the smoking ashes of who I once was behind. That family, the one I was born into, is long gone. I tried to hold up pieces to keep my sham life how I thought it was, but it was always going to finish crumbling one day.

All I can do now is move forward.

Comment from u/FabulousTrick8859

Comment from u/sonjelly

Understanding the motivations behind wanting to hold a funeral can be rooted in the psychological concept of 'disenfranchised grief.' This term describes grief that is not acknowledged or supported by the social norms surrounding mourning. The children may feel that their grief over their father's death is invalidated by their mother’s stance, leading to feelings of isolation and emotional turmoil.

Creating a meaningful ritual can serve as a powerful tool for processing this grief. Rituals provide a structured way to express emotions and validate the significance of the loss, which can be particularly healing in complex family dynamics.

Comment from u/Forever_Lorelei

Comment from u/houseonpost

OP’s mom was thrilled about cremates-and-flush plans, even though OP was the one who had already claimed the body.</p>

Family systems theory posits that individual behavior is best understood in the context of family dynamics. In cases of estrangement, the family system often exhibits patterns of communication and emotional expression that can exacerbate feelings of conflict. This can lead to what is known as 'triangulation,' where family members become enmeshed in one another’s emotional struggles instead of addressing the core issue directly.

Addressing these dynamics can facilitate healthier communication. Family therapy may be beneficial, as it allows family members to express their feelings in a safe space, potentially leading to greater understanding and resolution.

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Comment from u/ObeseHam

When OP met the 12-year-old daughter, the girl’s quiet shame made it clear this wasn’t the kind of grief you can “move on” from.</p>

Practical strategies for approaching this delicate situation can include open dialogue about feelings surrounding the father's death and the perceived need for a funeral. Engaging in family discussions can be challenging but may help bridge the emotional gap. Encouraging each family member to express their thoughts can lead to a collaborative decision that honors both the father's memory and the children's emotional needs.

In addition, considering alternative forms of memorialization, such as a private gathering or a memorial service that respects the mother's wishes while acknowledging the children's grief, may serve as a compromise that honors all perspectives involved.

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Implications for Emotional Healing

Emotional healing often requires confronting difficult feelings associated with grief and estrangement.

This feels like the inheritance fight where OP inherited the family home, then refused siblings who wanted to move in, sparking drama.

Read what happened in that AITA.

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Comment from u/Crafty-Shape2743

After the daughter realized OP existed from that bookmarked Facebook, the dad’s own explanation, Band-Aid versus smashed vase, landed like a confession.</p>

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Comment from u/geekyheart225

Now OP and her grandmother, plus some of his friends, are planning the funeral in his town, specifically so the kids won’t be the ones punished.</p>

The story of a young adult wrestling with the decision to hold a funeral for an estranged father illustrates the intricate web of estrangement, grief, and family dynamics. The Reddit post reveals a tumultuous background, marked by a lack of contact with the father for nearly two decades, which adds layers of complexity to the emotional landscape. The act of considering a funeral, even for someone largely absent from their life, suggests a desire to confront unresolved feelings and find closure. This journey underscores the importance of acknowledging the past while also paving the way for personal healing. In scenarios like this, it becomes essential to reflect on how such rituals can serve as a means of validation for the experiences of those left behind, allowing them to honor their own narratives amidst the pain of familial disconnection.

This funeral is OP’s way of making sure his worst parts don’t become their last memory.

Now see why one OP refused to pay for her brother’s luxury vacation, despite family pressure. Read the AITA here.