How to Convince Stubborn FIL to Prepare for Aging Parents?

It started with a pacemaker, and it ended with the OP and her husband doing everything for two aging in-laws who would not change a single thing about their giant house.

Father-in-law is 90, mother-in-law is 85, and they’re both dealing with the usual stuff, hearing loss and mobility issues included. Then mother-in-law gets hospitalized, a mistake happens, and she needs open-heart surgery and ICU time. The couple becomes the entire support system, hiring full-time in-home help just to get through recovery, while father-in-law basically contributes nothing besides demanding milk and refusing to lift a finger.

Now the fear is simple and brutal: if either of them has another accident, the family is not prepared, and father-in-law refuses to downsize or renovate, even though everyone knows they will need live-in care someday.

Original Post

My father-in-law is 90, and my mother-in-law is 85. They are in fairly decent health mentally, alongside the expected issues like hearing loss and mild mobility challenges. Last year, my mother-in-law was hospitalized for a pacemaker; however, an error occurred that led to her needing open-heart surgery and spending time in the ICU.

My husband and I, being the only family in town (he has a brother in another city, but he’s unhelpful), had to do everything at that point. Eventually, we became exhausted and hired a full-time in-home caregiving service for the month it took her to recover, as my father-in-law is basically useless in terms of keeping the home or cooking, etc. My father-in-law even makes my mother-in-law get him a glass of milk; he does nothing for himself.

After this incident, we realized that if either of them ever has an accident, we are completely unprepared. They have a huge house on 2 acres that they refuse to downsize and also refuse to renovate in case they ever require live-in caregiving.

The house is big but isn’t set up for guests. After what happened, we do not think we are equipped to provide that level of care (bathing, grooming); it was exhausting.

While my mother-in-law is on board with renovations, my father-in-law won’t budge, and he won’t even really give any reason why. From what we can gather, he doesn’t want strangers living in his house (he disliked them when they were there for my mother-in-law). But where does this leave us then?!

We have children and can’t be expected to drop everything if one of them breaks a hip. My husband is stressed thinking of their future (and so am I), but how on earth can you change their minds to prepare for the inevitable?

Edit: Supportive living is definitely out of the question for them; they’ve said they wish to remain in their giant home.

The resistance to change often stems from fear and uncertainty. In her work, she explains that people grapple with emotional agility, making it challenging to adapt to new realities. This is especially true for aging parents who might feel a loss of independence at the thought of needing care.

Research underlines the importance of addressing these emotions openly. Engaging in empathetic conversations about their fears can pave the way for constructive dialogue and future planning.

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Comment from u/Slightlysanemomof5

That’s the part that really stings, the month of full-time caregiving was temporary, but the house is still stuck in “no changes allowed” mode for a 90-year-old man.</p>

Financial planners frequently underscore the necessity of having open discussions about finances and caregiving. Making informed decisions together can reduce feelings of dread and empower everyone involved.

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The narrative surrounding the father-in-law's reluctance to acknowledge the realities of aging parents underscores the critical importance of fostering a supportive family environment. The emotional dynamics at play can heavily influence how receptive individuals are to discussions about care needs. The original poster's struggles highlight that creating a nurturing atmosphere where every family member feels valued can facilitate more constructive conversations about sensitive topics.

In these challenging situations, patience and empathy emerge as essential tools. By approaching the conversation with understanding, family members can help alleviate the sense of overwhelm that often accompanies discussions about aging and necessary changes. This emotional support may ultimately lead to a more open dialogue and a greater willingness to embrace the changes that aging necessitates.

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After the ICU and open-heart surgery mess, OP and her husband expected at least one concession, but father-in-law won’t even explain why he refuses renovations.</p>

And if you need a break from aging-parent planning, this tipping fight is basically a diner versus the internet.

In addressing the sensitive issue of preparing for aging parents, the article highlights the importance of communication strategies that can effectively engage a stubborn father-in-law. The original poster's experience illustrates the challenges faced when discussing necessary changes following a health scare in the family. By utilizing 'I' statements, family members can express their concerns without provoking defensiveness, creating a more receptive atmosphere for dialogue.

Moreover, the timing and setting of these discussions cannot be underestimated. Choosing a calm and appropriate moment to broach topics related to care planning can significantly enhance the likelihood of a productive conversation. This approach not only fosters openness but also encourages the father-in-law to reflect on the reality of the situation, ultimately leading to better preparedness for the future.

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Comment from u/Criseyde2112

It gets even more tense because mother-in-law is on board with fixes, while father-in-law blocks everything, and the two acres and huge home suddenly feel like a trap.</p>

Engaging Professional Help

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Therapists often observe that addressing underlying emotions can ease resistance in aging parents.

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And with kids at home, OP cannot keep playing medical crisis roulette, especially when father-in-law’s main “plan” is staying put and insisting strangers should not live there.</p>

Creating a Care Plan Together

Developing a care plan collaboratively is vital for fostering cooperation. Involving aging parents in the planning process can help them feel valued and respected.

He suggests initiating discussions by asking open-ended questions about their preferences and concerns. Creating a visual representation of the care plan can also make the process more engaging. This collaborative approach not only strengthens family bonds but also ensures that the plan reflects the parents' needs and desires.

Comment from u/Minimalist2theMax

We'd love to hear your take on this situation. Share your thoughts below.

The father-in-law's reluctance to embrace change appears to be rooted in a strong desire for control and familiarity, a sentiment that is often observed in older adults confronting substantial life transitions. As detailed in the original post, the mother-in-law's health scare has likely intensified this need for stability, making the father-in-law resistant to the idea of downsizing or altering their living situation. This tension not only affects him but also places a considerable burden on family members, who feel the pressure of caring for aging loved ones while grappling with their in-laws' unwillingness to adjust. The emotional toll of this situation is significant, highlighting the delicate balance between encouraging necessary changes and respecting the autonomy of elderly parents.

Addressing the challenges of aging parents, particularly in the context of the original poster's situation, requires a thoughtful approach that emphasizes empathy and patience. The article underscores the critical emotional and practical dimensions of care planning, especially in light of the mother-in-law's health scare and the father-in-law's reluctance to downsize. Creating an open dialogue within the family can be instrumental in bridging the gap between stubbornness and acceptance.

Engaging professional guidance may also be beneficial, as it can provide the necessary support and structure for discussions about care decisions. By taking these proactive steps, families can mitigate tension and foster stronger connections during what can be an incredibly challenging time.

Nobody can keep rescuing them from the next accident if the house and the mindset never change.

Want another family blowup, read how a missed Christmas RSVP turned into a standoff with a daughter-in-law.