Husband Refuses to Help with House Repairs Because It's “Not Technically His House”

A Redditor shared her dilemma about finances in her home, sparking a heated discussion online. She’s been married for three years, has been with her husband for six, and has owned her house for eight.

When they got married, she was making significantly more money than her husband, so he moved into her home. They even looked into adding him to the mortgage and deed but were advised against it because of his poor credit and her recently refinanced low-interest mortgage.

To protect both parties, they included in their prenup that he would pay “rent,” and the house would remain legally hers in the event of a divorce. The plan was always to save and buy a home together someday, but he never managed to save enough for a down payment.

Today, her husband works as a software developer with a $95K salary, while she’s a journalist and 1099 contractor. Her income is slightly higher but less predictable, and she pays significantly more in taxes, so financially, it’s “evened out” most months.

She explained that she covers certain non-essential expenses on her own, like house cleaners, landscaping, and their kids’ swim and dance lessons. Her husband views these as “nice-to-haves,” but she feels some, like swimming lessons, are essential for the kids’ safety.

The real friction arises with big, necessary expenses. From plumbing repairs to replacing a bathtub that the kids damaged, her husband often refuses to contribute, citing that it’s “not technically his house.”

They go in circles during these arguments. He points out that she chose to live in a “fancy” home and implies he wouldn’t live there otherwise, even though there are few affordable options in the city for a family of four.

When he does contribute, it’s usually a smaller amount, but she says it’s always preceded by a fight.

Now, she’s dreading asking him to help cover a major upcoming expense: a full roof replacement.

AI-generated image

The OP added an edit to her post.

She clarified that their mortgage is $1,600 per month, and they each pay $800. She’s considering raising his “rent” contribution to help cover necessities but fears the confrontation it may spark.

Now, the OP is asking Reddit, "AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner?"

Here's the original post by Reddit user 'Helloiamfezzik'

EDIT: I'm getting a lot of questions about our house payments; it's a $1,600/month mortgage, and we each pay $800. I'm definitely allowed to raise his "rent," so I will certainly consider that.AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner?I've owned my home for eight years; my husband and I have been together for six and married for three. When we got married, I was making a lot more money than he was, and he couldn't afford to get our own home, so he moved into mine.We looked into adding him to the house deed/mortgage but were advised against it by the bank because his credit was poor, and I had already refinanced mid-pandemic for an amazingly low-interest rate.So we included in our prenup that he would pay rent, and in the event of a divorce (which is not the plan, of course!), the house would remain legally mine since I had put in the down payment and a few years of mortgage payments already.The goal when we married was to save and then move, buying a home together. I've saved enough for a down payment a few times, but he never has, and I didn't want to just front all the money for another house when it's important to both of us for it to be "ours."Today, my husband has a great full-time job as a software developer with a salary of $95K. I still make a bit more than he does, but I'm a journalist and 1099 contractor, so my income is more unpredictable, and I also have to pay significantly more in taxes.Income-wise, it seems like it evens out, but still, we run into trouble with any type of expenses for the house. There are certain things that I always pay 100% myself, like house cleaners and landscaping, because they are "nice to haves" and not necessities. (I also pay for our kids' swim and dance lessons on my own because my husband also sees them as non-necessities. (Dance is fine, but I would argue that learning how to swim is pretty essential. BUT anyway).So those are the expenses I've agreed to take on all on my own, even though I find it frustrating. But when the plumbing needs to be replaced, or our kids crack the bathtub and we need a new one, my husband falls back on the "it's not technically my house" excuse, and we often end up in huge fights because he refuses to contribute to a multi-thousand-dollar expense that is definitely a necessity for our family.We talk in circles: He will say living in this "fancy" house (a 1,900 sq ft bungalow from 1940, in a city, which I bought for $320K) is my choice, and if it weren't for me, he wouldn't live somewhere like this—but I find that hard to believe because there are few places cheaper in our city where a family of four could fit. Our boys share a bedroom. Plus, the whole reason we live here is that I already owned the home when we met, and my husband has never been able to afford to go in on a new place of our own.He usually relents and contributes some smaller dollar amount eventually, but it's always a fight first, and it's exhausting. Right now, I just found out our entire roof needs new shingles, and I am dreading the fight if I ask my husband for any help paying for this expense. AITA?

Financial experts often emphasize the importance of clear financial boundaries in relationships. Farnoosh Torabi, a well-known financial coach, explains that financial discussions are vital for relationship harmony. Couples should openly discuss their financial commitments and expectations to avoid misunderstandings.

Creating a joint budget or having regular financial check-ins can help both partners feel involved and responsible for household finances. This proactive approach not only alleviates tension but also fosters a sense of partnership and shared responsibility.

Here's what the Reddit community had to say.

Reddit u/ChampionshipBetter91

"How has he been unable to save for a house during that time?"

Reddit u/X-cited

According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, a renowned relationship researcher, "Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, especially when navigating complex issues like home ownership." She emphasizes that understanding the emotional roots of a partner's detachment can foster cooperation and resolution. In this situation, examining why the husband feels disconnected from the house may reveal deeper concerns about self-worth or shared responsibilities. Couples therapy, as Dr. Orbuch suggests, can provide a constructive environment for both partners to articulate their feelings and expectations regarding their roles in the relationship and home management.

"You seem to want it both ways."

Reddit u/Nathan_Thurm

"YTA."

Reddit u/wrenwynn

"He is a tenant."

Reddit u/Ill-Description3096

Relationship experts note that differing perceptions of ownership can create significant rifts in a marriage. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of 'The 5 Love Languages,' emphasizes that understanding each other's emotional needs is crucial. When one partner feels their contributions are undervalued, it can lead to resentment.

Establishing a shared understanding of what each partner brings to the relationship—financially, emotionally, or through household tasks—can help build a stronger connection. Regular discussions about each partner's contributions can alleviate misunderstandings and foster a collaborative spirit.

"Increase his rent."

Reddit u/GenxBaby2

"You're no longer his wife, but the landlord."

Reddit u/Apharesis

"The house is yours, and he only pays rent as per your agreement."

Reddit u/Electrical-Ad-1798

Experts recommend proactive strategies to avoid financial disputes in relationships. According to Suze Orman, a prominent financial advisor, establishing a joint financial plan can help couples align their goals. This includes setting shared financial goals, like saving for repairs or discussing long-term financial planning.

By creating a collaborative atmosphere around finances, couples can prevent feelings of isolation or resentment. Engaging in joint decision-making fosters teamwork, ensuring that both partners feel equally invested in their shared home and future.

"It's weird."

Reddit u/BriefHorror

When it comes to marriage and money, the lines can get blurry—especially when one partner technically “owns” the house. Reddit has weighed in, but for the OP, the challenge is real—and the roof isn’t going to fix itself.

Expert Opinion

This situation highlights the complexities of financial dynamics within relationships, especially when one partner feels less invested due to ownership issues. The husband's reluctance to contribute may stem from feelings of inadequacy or a perceived lack of ownership, leading to a defensive stance. This can create a cycle of conflict, where money becomes a symbol of power and control rather than a shared responsibility, making it crucial for them to openly communicate their feelings and expectations to find a more equitable solution.

Behavioral Analysis & Pathways Forward

Addressing financial and emotional dynamics in a marriage requires openness and effective communication. Experts like Psychology Today highlight that successful relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. Couples should prioritize regular discussions about finances and emotional contributions to prevent misunderstandings.

Ultimately, approaching these conversations with empathy can transform challenges into opportunities for growth. Establishing shared financial goals and responsibilities can enhance the bond and ensure both partners feel valued in the relationship.